KarateParty.org - R.O.T.O.R. (1989)

R.O.T.O.R.
* out of *****

Genres
Action
Robots

1989
Directed by
Cullen Blaine
Writing credits
Cullen Blaine (story)
Budd Lewis
Cast
Margaret Trigg .... Sonya
Richard Gesswein .... Coldyron
Jayne Smith .... Dr. Steele
James Cole .... Greg Hutchins
Clark Moore .... Houghtaling
Nanette Kuczek .... Penny Gayle
Brad Overturf .... Moulie
Shawn Brown .... Mokie Killion
Michael Hunter .... Buglar
Victor Kawasnick .... Grotes
Ron Baker .... Glorioso
Diana Hurd .... Kipster
William Blair .... Statum

It’s clear from the start that R.O.T.O.R. is going to be shit. Part of the white onscreen text could barely be read because a shiny white object was placed right behind it. Unfortunately the title acronym was visible, and when I found out that R.O.T.O.R. stood for the clunky Robotic Office Tactical Operation Research, I knew I was in for a long 90 minutes.

R.O.T.O.R. opens at dusk with a couple driving through the country for the weekend. They hear an explosion and come across a man (Coldyron) cradling a woman (Sonya) in the middle of the road. A redneck says he saw them kill a traffic cop, the police are called, and Coldyron is taken in for questioning. He tells them, and us, what led up to the not-so-intriguing event. His story opens with an extremely boring description of how he woke up on his farm and got ready for work.

Coldyron worked as the head of a research institute creating the future of law enforcement, robots. But after a confusing (because it was so boring I stopped listening) argument with a politician over the phone he gets kicked out. This leaves his dopey second-in-command and his joke-cracking robot to get R.O.T.O.R. ready in 90 days.

Obviously, this is going to lead to some complications. But in the R.O.T.O.R. tradition of redundant scenes it isn’t these klutzes, but a jive-talking Native American called Shoeboogie, who puts his comb in an electrical field which animates R.O.T.O.R. And then off on his rampage he goes. This did beg the question of why it was such a shock that R.O.T.O.R. had to be ready in 90 days when he’s clearly finished. Maybe Coldyron is as thick as he acts.

Here we move into the Terminator rip-off section of the film (mixed with a little Judge Dredd for good measure). R.O.T.O.R. pulls over a speeding motorist and kills him. His wife Sonya flees and R.O.T.O.R. starts his endless pursuit of her because she’s an accomplice to a speeding offence. I don’t know what the laws actually are in the state of Texas, but I doubt it’s really a crime to be a passenger in a speeding car.

Sonya flees, R.O.T.O.R. chases, but whenever they meet up he’s slow and easy to avoid. There is one great scene where R.O.T.O.R. is chasing her around a gas station forecourt, but the actress is clearly not in the scene. You just see R.O.T.O.R. lunge at something that’s behind a desk or in a car, and then hear screaming for the imaginary victim. But, the rest of the pursuit isn’t as entertainingly inept, just dull. Oh yeah, and R.O.T.O.R. looks like a generic redneck cop (as opposed to the cool cyborg on the video cover, boo).

Sonya eventually gets to a phone and is put through to Coldyron. Coldyron, the genius, (I swear it sounded like Sony every time) tells her to keep driving and stay ahead of him (in preference to being caught). She’s on the run for a day. The reason? So Colyron can fly in a butch woman to beat R.O.T.O.R. up. Coldyron doesn’t like rushing, he sedately picks her up from the airport, drives her to a hotel to check in while Sonya is being chased across the countryside by a robot. In the hotel they have a sedate chat and she changes into a singlet. God, this made me so fucking angry. Then they drove around, not obviously in any particular hurry discussing the philosophical quandaries of R.O.T.O.R., which I could only vaguely listen to because they were both tacked on and retarded.

Eventually they fight, and we end up where we started with an explosion. But strangely this all happens differently to the first version. Now it’s day time, and Sonya doesn’t end up lying in the middle of the road. Before you think "Rashomon", I’d wager this wasn’t done for artistic reasons.

For a sci fi action film R.O.T.O.R. dedicates a remarkable amount of on screen time to people talking on telephones, driving in cars, getting out of cars, going through doors, and walking down hallways. After a while you know that whenever one of these scenes starts nothing interesting is going to happen in it, which makes viewing this film kind of like being tied to a post and waiting to be punched in the nuts. In conclusion: Fuck you R.O.T.O.R. You fucking suck ass you piece of shit.

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