CHIPEN
Introducing The Terminator's new sidekick
Chipen is a radical, sharp-tongued, rock `n' roll robot. With attitude. He's also totally adorable, with a super-cute chicken-shaped chasis all the kids love. And his comb? Why that's been fashioned into a gnarly Mohawk. Did I mention he's totally bodacious?
He's the comic foil to the Terminator's straight man. Where the Terminator would shoot someone in the eyeball, Chipen would say "Bag your face". When the Terminator tries to kill anyone called John Connor, Chipen tells him to "take a chill pill, tin man". He's the perfect `bot to take with you on a blast to the past.
Below are some rewritten scenes from the original Terminator written by James Cameron. I've fixed them up to incorporate the Terminator's exciting new sidekick.
Revised Scene #1
ARRIVAL IN THE PAST
SLOW PAN as the sound of stray electrical CRACKLING subsides. FRAME comes to rest on the figure of a NAKED MAN kneeling, faced away, in the previously empty yard. He stands, slowly. The man is in his late thirties, tall and powerfully built, moving with graceful precision.
C.U. - MAN, his facial features reiterate the power of his body and are dominated by the eyes, which are intense, blue and depthless. His hair is military short. This man is the TERMINATOR.
As the Terminator surveys his surroundings intensely, a smaller pink electrical discharge CRACKLES behind him. A small, cute, CHICKEN- SHAPED ROBOT appears. This is CHIPEN.
C.U. – Chipen's eyeballs rotate in a comical manner and steam comes out of his ears.
CHIPEN
Hey T-Man, nice buns. What happened to your duds, dude?
TERMINATOR
You are naked too, Chipen.
Chipen looks down and sees he's naked. He starts flapping his wings in panic, hovering in the air as his head spins round and round and round.
CHIPEN
My motherboard would have a fit if she saw me like this.
Revised Scene #2
SHOPPING
INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY
GLASS COUNTERTOP as an AR-180 ASSAULT RIFLE WITH SCOPE is laid beside a number of other guns: a COLT K-MODEL .45 ACP, a SMITH AND WESSON .38 FOUR-INCH, a BERETTA .225 ACP.
TERMINATOR
...the Remington 1100 Autoloader...
The CLERK, who looks like a sick lizard, pallid and paunchy, takes the rifle from a wall rack. He lays it beside the arsenal of perfectly legal anti-human artillery already on the glass counter. Terminator scans expressionlessly for additional selections.
CLERK
Anything else?
TERMINATOR
.A phased plasma pulse-laser in the forty watt range...
CLERK
(annoyed)
Just what you see, pal.
He indicates the display case and wall racks with a minimal gesture.
CHIPEN
I see a Squiddly Diddly Pez Disepnser. Can I get it T-Man?
TERMINATOR
Sugar will corrode your circuits, Chipen.
(To the clerk)
The Uzi 9 millimeter.
CLERK
(setting it out)
You know your weapons, buddy. And you know your pez dispensers, little guy.
Terminator examines each in turn, working the actions with curt, precise movements.
CLERK
(continuing)
Any one of them's ideal for home defense. Which'll it be?
TERMINATOR
All.
CHIPEN
All? If you're going to buy all that stuff get me the pez. That's valuable in the future.
The clerk looks at him quizzically.
CHIPEN
Fu….fu….Phi….Phi….Philippines. That's where we live usually.
TERMINATOR
Quiet Chipen.
The clerk digs deep and finds a scrap of a smile.
CLERK
Maybe I'll close early. Cash or charge?
Instead of replying, Terminator takes a box of shotgun shells from a stack on the display case.
CLERK
Sorry, I can't sell the ammo with the guns. You'll have to---Hey!
Terminator has calmly begun feeding the shells into the shotgun.
CHIPEN
T-Man, that's exactly the way you feed candy into a pez.
CLERK
(continuing)
You can't to that...
TERMINATOR
(evenly)
Wrong.
He raises the barrel and pulls the trigger. The gun THUNDERS. The bullet travels right through the clerk's head and smashes the Suidlly Diddly pez. Chipen squawks and his eyes pop out and of their sockets.
CHIPEN
Aiii aiii aiii.
Revised Scene #3:
POLICE STATION CARNAGE
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT FOYER – NIGHT
As the Terminator approaches the Desk Sergeant Chipen grabs him by the wrist.
TERMINATOR
What is it Chipen?
CHIPEN
Why don't you let me handle this one, T-Man. You end up shooting everyone you talk to.
TERMINATOR
Fine.
Chipen flutters onto the Night Sergeant's desk. The Night Sergeant ignores him. Chipen rings the bell, the sergeant barely glances up.
CHIPEN
Word up, my man. I'm part of Sarah Connor's posse. Can I see her?
SERGEANT
You can't see her. She's making a statement.
CHIPEN
Hey, dude. C'mon. I'm cool. Nothing to worry about with me. Just buzz me in there brother.
SERGEANT
(laconically)
Look. It's gonna be a while. You wanna wait. There's a bench.
CHIPEN
Look, you see my big friend over there. You don't let us in, he'll be awful mad.
SERGEANT
The guy in the shades and leather jacket? He'll be mad?
CHIPEN
That's right. Mad as hell.
SERGEANT
Well, he looks pretty tough.
CHIPEN
Oh, he's real tough mister. You better let us in.
SERGEANT
The only place you two are getting into tonight is each other.
Chipen lets out an outraged squawk.
CHIPEN
You've made Chipen mad. Me and my buddy will be back.
Chipen flaps back to the Terminator.
CHIPEN
No dice, T-Man.
The officer is absorbed in paperwork, not watching as a pair of lights get BRIGHTER outside the doors. RAPIDLY. He glances up at the last second as the glare falls fully on him. CRASH!
Several cops and late night loiterers scatter as a car smashes into the foyer. Chipen is surfing on the hood.
CHIPEN
Cowabunga!!!!!!
