KarateParty.org - 1986

First published in 1986

How to describe a masterpiece? How can one accurately reflect in a few meagre words the sweeping majesty of possibly the greatest story ever told? Well, I’m not sure and luckily I don’t have to do that, as I’m reviewing Cannibals by Guy N. Smith. Thanks again, Juan.

Basic plot summary: Invercurie, small village in the remoter Highlands of Scotland, is opened to the public as a holiday destination by one of the village’s inhabitants (for reasons never actually explained, except for what seems to be vague dissatisfaction). But Invercurie holds a dark secret – decades of inbreeding have produced a mutation in many of its children. The mutants are kept "hidden" in the mountains around Invercurie; they are things that are not quite human (stunted limbs, third eye, no nose, that kind of thing) and that crave the taste of human flesh – the Cannibals!!! Of course, tourists come, limbs get snacked on, and wackiness generally ensues. That’s all I can tell you - far be it from me to deprive you of the joy of reading the book and getting to the thrilling climax yourself.

Review:

This book is so many things to so many people. It is:

· A moral and cautionary tale about right and wrong, with various examples stunningly juxtaposed one against the other (mostly about sex, dirty, dirty thing that it is) (eg: teacher bonks student, comes to Invercurie for a little sumthin’-sumthin’, both get eaten; villagers bonk one another, eventually give birth to cannibals, get eaten (by own relatives, this book is a Freudian’s dream!); man and wife used to bonk but don’t now as she is obsessed with him becoming a proper "bank manager" (dream lady, dream) which is ruining their relationship, son gets eaten.)

· A feminist critique, whereby Smith sets up caricatures of femininity in each of his female characters (eg. slutty thick student, harpy wife, whingeing little girl, termagant shop-keeper + cousin/son-bonker), so that he can knock them down, thereby teaching us all something about the dangers of stereotyping (Smith is obviously an adherent of the Socratic "straw man" technique).

· A slice of life so accurate you feel as if Smith is describing modern life even though he is writing in the 1980s (eg. "With dark fluffy hair and a neatly trimmed moustache, [Phil Drake] was the typical policeman: kind and considerate, tough when he needed to be").

Best bit:

It’s short. [Fav line: "This was certainly no place for a bank manager and his family." I’m going to use it in conversation.]

Worst bit:

I must admit the whole thing is so bad it actually merges over into the "good" category, by very virtue of its awfulness (I’m a sucker for "so bad it’s good," a la Mystery Science Theatre 3000).

In all seriousness, if you don’t mind the odd plot hole, a good ole simple scary (?) storyline and the startlingly frequent use of italics to describe anything vaguely suspenseful, you’ll probably quite like Cannibals as an easy, no-brainer read. Enjoy.

Rating:

In comparison with other books 2/10

In comparison with other Guy N. Smith books (not having actually read any others but willing to go out on a limb here) 7/10

As a nod to that slightly bizarre conversation a couple of weeks ago, this book gets 2 ½ out of 5 possible ponies.

[Moy is a Guest Reviewer for Karate Party. She is a recluse and shark wrangler from the Great Barrier Reef, Cornwall. She enjoys Pina Coladas (without the pineapple juice and coconut milk) and walking in the rain.]

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