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Written by Mandroid3000
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MYSTIC PIZZA ** out of ***** Directed by Donald Petrie Written by Amy Holden Jones and Perry Howze & Randy Howze and Alfred Uhry Cast Annabeth Gish .... Kat Arujo Julia Roberts .... Daisy Arujo Lili Taylor .... Jojo Vincent D'Onofrio .... Bill William R. Moses .... Tim Travers Adam Storke .... Charles Gordon Windsor, Jr. Conchata Ferrell .... Leona Joanna Merlin .... Mrs. Arujo Porscha Radcliffe .... Phoebe Travers Mystic Pizza I imagine would be a favourite of girls aged between eight and twelve. For anyone else it’s a pretty straightforward and unsurprising coming-of-age-in-a-small-town movie. One of the main reasons people still remember it is because it’s Julia Roberts star-making role. Frankly I can’t see why. It’s kind of hilarious watching her play "the pretty one", but not so hilarious when I realised that without this film I may have been leading a Julia Roberts-free existence. Damn you Mystic Pizza!!!!!  | | You look...um...fabulous. | The film is set in a crap town called Mystic and centres around three girls who work in a pizza parlour called Mystic Pizza. There is an actual Mystic Pizza with a secret sauce on top (I think this was a metaphor for life’s mysteries. It looked tasty). Kat and Daisy Arujo (Annabeth Gish and Julia Roberts) are wildly opposite sisters. Kat is about to leave town for Yale, Daisy is a stupid slut who’ll probably serve pizza and her ass to drunken fisherman for the rest of her life. Then there’s their sassy friend Jojo (Lili Taylor) who, at the start of the movie, fainted during her wedding to Bill (Vincent D’Onofrio). The wedding didn’t go ahead, and now she’s having second thoughts. Since this is a coming-of-age film, our heroines needs things to make them come-of-age. For studious Kat this is the hunky, but married-with-child, Yale graduate Tim Travers. Kat gets a part-time job as his babysitter while his wife is away in Europe. Rumour is they’ve broken up. They fall for each other as they’re hot intellectual equals. Will they do it? Is his wife really gone for good? Will she lose her virginity to him then walk around in the rain crying? Will he give her money to try and salve his underage cherry-popping conscience? The answers will delight and amuse. They are yes, no, yes, yes.  | | So. You fucked the babysitter. | Daisy’s story kicks off with a funny scene (more funny 80s kitsch than funny ha-ha) when a preppy called Charles Gordon Windsor, Jr. comes into the local pub and starts gambling with the locals at darts and pool. The funny part is that Julia Roberts is supposed to be this mysterious girl that the preppy just cannot forget. She hypnotises him with her beauty so completely that he misses the whole dart board! Now that’s comedy! Eventually they get together and drive around in his Porsche. She finds out he’s a rich drop-out. He already knew she was a poor drop-out. They do it. They argue. They suck. Then there’s Jojo and Bill. Bill is constantly feeling catholic guilt while getting sucked off. And he starts to think that Jojo only likes him for his ample man meat. They argue. One argument takes place with her on a wharf and him on a boat. A crowd forms and cheers her on, but I’m not convinced that she made any debate-winning statements despite her claims of victory. It’s a tale of a well hung catholic fisherman and his dumb girlfriend. I didn’t care for it. Vincent D’Onofrio deserved better.
 | In later years Julia's cast mates grew
jealous of her roles in Mary Reilly
and Pret-a-Porter. | So that’s what happens in Mystic Pizza. From there it plays out in the way it has to. Competent. Uninspired. The film did produce two stars; Vincent D’Onofrio and Matt Damon. Damon is in it for a minute. He beat Ben Affleck out for the role, proving that he was always the talented one. If you have kids and don’t mind them seeing subplots about dads rooting babysitters give this a rent! If you yourself want to see dads root babysitters there are probably some websites you could visit that don’t have Julia Roberts on them. Now go home.
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