|
THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS * out of *****
 Genres
2005
Directed by Ken Kwapis Written by Ann Brashares (novel) Delia Ephron and Elizabeth Chandler (screenplay) Cast Amber Tamblyn .... Tibby Alexis Bledel .... Lena America Ferrera .... Carmen Blake Lively .... Bridget Jenna Boyd .... Bailey Bradley Whitford .... Al Nancy Travis .... Lydia Rodman Rachel Ticotin .... Carmen's Mother Mike Vogel .... Eric Michael Rady .... Kostos
I know this is a film for teenage girls. I am fully aware that I am not even remotely close to being the target audience. But, they took my ticket money, and as far as I’m concerned that immediately makes me the target audience whether they want me or not. I am giving the film one star for the plain, simple reason that I fucking hated it and I had a miserable time while watching it. I suppose maybe a teenage girl would like it, and if you are a teenage girl you may prefer this or this to Karate Party. So go there now.
 | Greece = old men, donkeys, and
bored tourists. The film gets one
thing right. | I guess the film’s story is high concept. There are four friends who, disgustingly, were friends since before birth because their mothers went to the same aerobics-for-pregos class. This explains why four girls who never in the history of high schools would be an inseparable foursome are an inseparable foursome. There’s the brash soccer star Bridget, the cautious Lena, the "alternative" Tibby, and the fat Puerto Rican, Carmen.
One day this unbearable gang go to a thrift shop and find a pair of magic pants that somehow fits them all perfectly. What they really mean by "magic" is that it fits the three skinny ones and Carmen the fat ass. As you do when you find magic pants, they sneak into the aerobics studio where their mothers met and light candles (it was about here that I tried to stab myself in my brain with the car keys). Amid much saying of the word "pants" they come up with some rules to share the magic pants during their various summer vacation adventures.
So the dicks split up on their adventures which are basically mini versions of other, better movies. Here’s a table to help you keep track:
| Travel Pants | Equals | Tibby is the outsider in a suburban wasteland | Ghost World | Bridget goes to soccer camp and tries to fuck the coach | Bend it Like Beckham without the Indian | Lena goes to Greece, finds romance with a fisherman | Under the Tuscan Sun with Greeks and fish | Carmen doesn’t fit into both family or clothes | Real Women Have Curves mixed with a generic ethnic mismatch drama |
Carmen’s story is the most boring. It basically requires her father to act as moronically as possible for three quarters of the film. And, sure, there are a lot of moronic men out there, but they’re not that interesting in movies. Of course, it all turns around nicely at the end, and everyone suddenly loves each other.
All the members of the sisterhood learn something about themselves or get sex. If this is due to the magic pants or not is up for debate. I'm going to say no, because other than them fitting on Carmen's ass, they don't do anything supernatural.
 | "Shave my head and I'd be a bald
eagle. Ca-caw. Ca-caw." | The people who made the film, other than Ken Kwapis (who should get an endless amount of shit from his friends for directing this), are women. So they used to be girls. Amusingly, they have a really funny idea of how late-teen boys act and think. Long after Eric the soccer coach bangs Bridget on the beach in Mexico, he actually wanders around Maryland looking for her to tell her he thinks she’s nice, or something equally wussy. And Kostos is a noble and wise ethnic dreamboat, and the less said about him the better. Oh Kostos, I hate you.
Okay, that’s the movie. You’re probably wondering when I’m going to say something about that title. Yes, the title is terrible. It ranks down there with Getting Gertie’s Garter and Hullabaloo Over Georgie and Bonnie’s Pictures. A title should elicit excitement, a promise of mystery and adventure. When I heard The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants I expected an informercial for Depends.
 | Kwapis, even the sisterhood of the
travelling pants isn't listening to
you. | But why is the title so bad? Let's analyse. There are several films that have "pants" in the title, and I’m sure they are all better than this. There’s The Way of All Pants, Gee! My Pants!, Hot Pants Holiday, and White Pants Willie. So "pants" is an okay word. I'm going to give "traveling" a pass as well.
"Sisterhood" is a good warning sign of a shit film (i.e. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood). There was a female fighting flick called The Sisterhood (Tagline: Amazon warriors fight to survive in a world gone mad!") that is by default better, but probably still real crappy. So I deem "sisterhood" the problem. If there was a movie called simply "Traveling Pants" everyone would want to see it.
I think there’s a general problem with sisterhoods. When brotherhoods form they try to run a country in secret or sacrifice babies. Sisterhoods seem to be about lighting scented candles and talking about your parent’s divorce. If only sisterhoods didn’t start of with such dumb names then maybe they'd have better activities. If the name was The South Bronx Sisterhood or The Savage Sisterhood of Sadism then they'd do some cool stuff. But it’s always The Sisterhood of the Mystic Butterfly, or something. Stop alluding to your periods!!!!
And with that thought I shall leave you. I am a man whose energy is spent after not only watching the pants, but thinking and writing about the pants. I offer you this solemn warning, do not see the pants, do not share the pants, do not read the book of the pants, and do not rent the pants. Fuck the pants. Fuck the stupid fucking pants. Goodbye.
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts) |
