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9 ½ NINJAS! * out of *****
 Genres
1991
Directed by Aaron Barsky (as Aaron Worth) Written by Bill Crounse (also story) John Morrissey (story) Don Pequignot (also story) Cast Michael Phenicie .... Joe Vogue Andee Gray .... Lisa Thorne Robert Fieldsteel .... Arnold Gruber Magda Harout .... Gladys Vogue Tom 'Tiny' Lister Jr. .... Cutter Don Stark .... Sledge Barbara Leary .... Dimitri Paul Jabara .... Mr. Ninja (voice) Sharon Lee Jones .... Zelda Monty Hoffman .... Isaac Rance Howard .... Ninja Negotiator Gerald Okamura .... Master Keaton Simons .... Young Joe
I have very few ideals, a fact which is obvious to those who know me. One of them is that any film can be improved with the addition of zombies or ninjas. But now the very foundations of my being have been shaken, for I have seen 9 ½ Ninjas!. Do the ninjas ruin what could have been a good comedy? Fuck no! But they take what would have been a dull, repetitive semi-spoof of 9 ½ Weeks and made it into a truly, truly, painful experience.
 | Sam Raimi! You
thief! | It’s a little hard to explain why this movie is so bad, but I’ll try. To understand the calibre of the comedy just take a look at the title. Not the most comedicaly inspired title for a spoof. Now think of the worst skit show you’ve ever seen, or perhaps the most energetic stand up comedian who had no idea he isn’t funny. Or try imagining the Naked Gun written by twelve year-olds obsessed with ninjas, breasts, and Cracked magazine. Or try an 80 minute monologue from an ADD kid who’s drunk four litres of Mountain Dew. Done that? Now we’re ready to proceed.
The story is threadbare, and doesn’t really make a lot of sense if you can escape the endless assault of bad jokes and think about it for a second. It starts with a young boy being taught martial arts by an old master. Then it’s modern day, and we see a "beautiful" woman, Lisa Thorne, cruising down the street and buying a raw chicken sandwich (still with feathers, ha ha). But evil property developer Arnold Gruber has just bought her building and is trying to evict her. She refuses to leave so Gruber’s goons go after her. Luckily a mystery man, Joe Vogue, beats them up. Joe Vogue is a ninja.
Joe then follows Lisa. For some reason she goes down an alley and gets caught in one of those traps that hook around your feet and pull you upside down in the air (it’s not clear if we’re supposed to think that Joe set this). Joe comes around the corner and has a chat with her (he doesn’t let her down). Her building gets demolished during this, so they go back to his place. He doesn’t undo her ropes and she sits on the couch tied in a way that’s a lot more elaborate than the simple rope around the feet (see picture below). This is the sort of fine joke you’ll come to expect.
 | Clap clap for the
handicap. | Gruber’s also bought Joe’s apartment and wants to evict him. Joe decides to confront Gruber. They play a game of marbles for control of the building (I’m not really sure why Gruber agrees to this). Once Joe’s gone Gruber orders ninjas to kill him. Joe trains Lisa to be a ninja as well, and occasionally ninjas attack them, and Lisa talks about how Joe is scared of commitment. Then there’s a final showdown on a football field with commentators and stuff.
I know what you’re thinking, that doesn’t sound too bad. Women in ropes, ninjas, evil property barons. At this point I refer you back to the second paragraph. This is a comedy, so these are comedy ninja attacks. One of them is sped up super fast as they chase each other around Joe’s apartment. And Joe does one fight in a polka dot ninja outfit with "Wonder Ninja" on the back. Another fight involves the ninjas running around a group of Rabbis.
For a movie with so little plot it’s quite a feat how many holes they manage to poke in it. First, Gruber is not after Lisa. Her building has already been demolished, and he never threatens her. So there’s really no reason for Joe to be protecting her or training her as a ninja. Also, after endless amounts of training, which largely consists of yoga exercises, she only hits one person in the whole movie. The majority of the film takes place in Joe’s apartment and involves unfunny ninja training and unfunny talking about their past loves, commitment problems, and other assorted crap.
And, it’s never clear what the hell Gruber’s doing that’s so bad. He seems to be legitimately buying buildings. He planned to demolish the two apartment buildings to build one larger one. But, for some reason he’s a con artist. One excruciating scene involves Joe and Gruber doing the tango on a giant board game called "Conopoly". Joe at one point said something about a conspiracy to take over the utilities, but where that came from I don’t know.
 | Someone finally decided to oil up
the Bride of Frankenstein. | At one point in the movie we find out Joe Vogue was actually trained to be a ninja by his mother. Which begs the question of who the hell the kid at the start of the film was. But, to highlight the sloppiness of the script, his mother had taken the job of killing him from Gruber, and then Joe explains to her how ninjas have been hired to kill him. I know the makers of this film may not have had much of a budget, but it doesn’t cost extra to write something that makes sense.
This is the type of movie that doesn’t have any screenshots on the DVD cover (it does have some crudely drawn shuriken though). The film runs at a skimpy 80 or so minutes, even if it feels like about three hours. The frantic pace of bad jokes is wearying, and it seemed to induce a stupor in my angry viewing partners. I really don't know what I can write to get across how crap it is. There's even some debate raging about whether this is a worse comedy than Beach Fever. I know if you love bad films how tempting it is to watch something like this. But seriously, don’t do it. For Mandroid.
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