KarateParty.org - Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN
** out of *****

Genre
Comedy
High School

2004
Directed by
Sara Sugarman
Written by
Dyan Sheldon (book)
Gail Parent (screenplay)
Cast
Lindsay Lohan .... Mary Elizabeth Cep/Lola
Adam Garcia .... Stu
Glenne Headly .... Karen
Alison Pill .... Ella
Eli Marienthal .... Sam
Carol Kane .... Miss Baggoli
Megan Fox .... Carla
Sheila McCarthy .... Mrs. Gerard

Disney and Lohan. This really is a movie for teen girls, but I was surprised not to hate it. Sure, large parts hewed exactly to formula, and there was a lot of crap, but some parts worked surprisingly well. I wouldn’t suggest anyone go out of their way to see it, but if you’re stuck at home with the flu and end up watching it on TV, you won’t be sticking knives in your eyeballs by the end, which was probably your assumed reaction.

Lohan goes by a few names in the film because, after all, she’s a drama queen. So to keep things straight I’ll just call her Lohan. Her mum is moving her out of her beloved New York to the suburbs of New Jersey. Anyone would be pissed by that, and it gets worse when she finds the school is full of upper middle class squares, not the sophisticated urbanites she’s used to.
Lohan makes a dowdy and reserved friend, Ella, and an enemy in the stuck up Carla. Lohan, being the free-spirited New Yorker, of course helps Ella to loosen up, though they have some arguments about Lohan’s constant lying (being the “Teenage Drama Queen” of the title). There’s also a love interest (Sam) who is such a nominal presence I didn’t even recognise him when they got together at the end of the film.

The real drama comes from the Lohan/Carla rivalry. Not only are they both vying for the lead role in the school production, an updated musical version of Pygmalion (by way of My Fair Lady) called Eliza Rocks! (ugh!!!), but Carla’s father is the lawyer for Lohan’s favourite band Sid Arthur. To make matters worse Sid Arthur just broke up, are about to have a farewell concert and after party. Carla’s going, and Lohan says she and Ella are as well, though they have no way to get in.

The concert’s in New York, and Lohan and Ella spend an inordinate amount of time trying to work out how to get into there for it. They argue about whether to sneak out or get their parent’s permission, and it’s all a bit dull. Needless to say they eventually get to New York on the night of the concert.

Everything up to this point was pretty interminable, but the movie hits its stride in New York. Not only do they not get into the concert, while walking the twenty blocks to the party they start being followed by a guy with a dog. Their stalker turns out to be Lohan’s estranged father, who’s pretty funny. When they get to the party they can’t get in, but the lead singer of Sid Arthur, Stu (who Lohan has a crush on) comes stumbling out ranting and drunk.

The girls follow him, fish him out of the garbage, try to buy him food, get arrested, get out of it thanks to Lohan’s dad, and get into the party. The drunk Stu is actually pretty funny, one of the better comedic drunks I’ve seen in a while. If it was economically viable they could have cut out the rest and released these scenes as a passable short film.

The first thing that could be cut is the drama production, the auditions and rehearsals for which are spread throughout the film. Almost everything about it lame. Miss Baggoli is probably the worst in the long line of cinema’s kooky theatre teachers. Carol Kane may have been funny in Twin Peaks, but nothing about Miss Baggoli works. And these scenes really need good comedy relief to fly, and thus, they don’t.

Unfortunately the actual performance of Eliza Rocks! (ugh!!!), which is the final set piece, doesn’t make up for the poor preparation. I guess the show is supposed to be a spoof, there are clear signs that it’s an intentionally bad idea. But it’s actually kind of hard to tell based on the on-screen performance. As a spoof it’s pretty mild, and spoofing My Fair Lady is probably not the thing to do to appeal to the film’s target audience anyway. There also has to be some songs for budding singer (in real life) Lohan to belt out which aren’t intentionally awful. No wonder it doesn’t work.

If you enjoyed Mean Girls and want to see a similar high school comedy starring Lohan you’ll be disappointed. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen breaks absolutely no new ground, and is, in the end, a wholesome Disney film. It wheezes along to the inevitable wrap-up. A showdown with the hated Carla, people hooking up, and people learning lessons, but I learnt a valuable one too: that you’d be surprised at the movies you end up not hating.

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