KarateParty.org - Beach Fever (1987)

BEACH FEVER
* out of *****

Genre
Comedy

1987
Directed by
Alexander Tabrizi
Written by
Francis X. Cronan (screenplay)
Larry W.W. Talbot (story)
Cast
Kato Kaelin .... Chat Frederick IV (as Brian 'Kato' Kaelin)
Rodney Ueno .... Sake
Judea Brittain .... Sandy
Jeffrey Asch .... Ernie
Aaron Biston .... Mario
Ron Reese .... Gus
Gary Roberts .... Les
Lisa Carroway .... Lisa
Gloria Morrison .... Female News Reporter
George Tsaki .... Sake's Father
Anne Marie Hardin .... Fat Girl

Is Beach Fever the worst movie ever made? Probably not, but it may be the worst comedy made in the 80s. I can handle a comedy not having great production values, or continuity, and sometimes even acting, if it’s actually funny or witty. Beach Fever is not funny or witty, Beach Fever has nothing except a dizzying level of crapness and the presence of O.J. Simpson witness Kato Kaelin to recommend it.

We open on an Asian geek (Sake) being chased by women in bikinis in sub-sub-Benny Hill fashion. He’s father has promised him $100,000 to find the secret to picking up chicks (“That’s a lot of sushi” as he so terribly puts it). But his efforts aren’t going too well and now he has a posse chasing him.

Meanwhile Chat (Kato Kaelin) is sitting in the bridge of a boat pretending to be captain. On deck a really bad party is happening, highlighted by a long and rather poor display of Cossack dancing by a guy in a tracksuit. But Chat doesn’t mind because a woman comes in, strips off, and gives him a blow job. When she leaves, bizarrely, the local pimp Fat Daddy and his Goon come in and demand $500. When Chat refuses to pay Fat Daddy pulls a shot gun on him. Why they think this is good business practise, I’m not sure. Fat Daddy says she was his best girl, which I assume means she could service willing clients instead of extorting a dopey teenager.

So after these hilarious introductions our main characters are thrust into the plot's maelstrom when they run into each other while fleeing their particular maladies. Chat agrees to help Sake find out how to pick up chicks. They meet a young inventor called Ernie, who happens to have just discovered a love potion, and hey presto, the plot wheezes into motion.

Intercut with the “action” throughout the film are some annoying catchy doo-wop songs, and three women dancing and singing them. Right in the middle of the action we’ll get a musical reminder that “Fat Daddy” is a character in the movie, or that “He’s got the magic potion” followed by a return to a character who does indeed have the magic potion. They come into there own with a Japanese musical motif that finds them shuffling around in geisha-style short steps, then bowing to the camera. This helped me remember that Sake was from Japan.

If my description is clear, this is the set up for a bad film. But, it’s hard to capture just how bad this movie truly is. There are endless “funny” sound effects, which combined with unconvincing cutting underline the lameness of the physical humour. Rodney Ueno may be the worst Asian geek in cinema history. His comedy acting style involves pronouncing things very badly and making funny faces. Then there are things like a plastic dog pissing on a newswoman, Chat and Sake being chased around the beach by a toothless fat woman in a bikini, and the naming of an Asian character Sake in the first place. Let these percolate in your brain, and try and imagine how bad this picture is. Done that? Beach Fever is worse.

It’s the sort of depressingly bad film that makes you feel worse about the world. I was lucky to watch it with a group of people, if I had watched it by myself it would have started me on a depressive spiral. I would have been sitting there, isolated from the world, watching an obscure movie that was so bad it made me feel dirty. I would have gone to the mirror and starred at myself, the movie having drained me of the belief that anything could ever be funny again. I would stare deep into my eyes, looking in contempt at a 26 year old living in his mother’s house, trying to be a screenwriter, and failing in the most miserable, shameful way. Precious moments of life wasted, inspiration that may have sparked while I was watching Beach Fever will never happen. I will never succeed, I am an isolated foolish child.

But fortunately, I watched Beach Fever with eight other people, so this didn’t happen. I strongly recommend caution with this film. It is in the so bad it’s good category, but it’s veering into the so bad you’ll go insane category. Small doses spread over several months is recommended, and don’t say you weren’t warned.

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