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Moy’s Guide to Europe: Help for the Hapless In beginning its Spotlight on Travel with this Guide to Europe (soon to be followed by “Mrs Fong Presents: Chinatowns of the World”) Karate Party is ensuring that we provide you with more than the average European travel guide can offer. This is because we have it on good authority that, despite the customary slog through Lonely Planets and Rough Guides, most travellers continue to be befuddled by what they find in Europe. For myself, I can’t believe they didn’t mention the dogs (see below in Moy’s guide to animals in Europe), a piece of information that would have lessened the cultural shock considerably. This kind of confusion and non-information, I say, has got to end. Someone needs to tell the truth about Europe. That someone is me, Moy. This Guide, therefore, doesn’t concentrate on that “where to stay” and “what to see” rubbish. It instead gives you, the reader, the information that you actually need to survive in the alabaster jungle that is Europe.
 | | Europa 'Paint by Numbers' |
Moy’s guide to languages in Europe and the interrelationship with niceness
To ease myself into travelling and lessen the “freakin’ out cos I can’t understand a word anybody says” effect (well-documented in medical textbooks), I went first to Britain, primarily staying in Scotland where they speak a language closely related to English. Thence went I, armed with a European phrasebook and a smattering of high school French and German, into continental Europe. Having been forewarned that the French hate being forced into use of the despicable English (a shout out here to Mrs Fong, who calls English “the international language of arrogance”), I managed to use both phrasebook and memories of third form French (“Je mange une orange” – “I am eating an orange”) to make myself generally understood, at least in relation to what I was eating at the time. The French, in general, seemed to appreciate the effort.
No conversational worries in Prague, as every man and his dog speak near-perfect English; example conversation:
Moy: Hello, I don’t suppose you speak English, do you?
Man: A little.
Moy: Oh, great, thanks – can you help me get to my train (shows ticket)?
Man: Ah, yes, the Eurostar, that’ll be leaving from platform 5 (that’s the one marked with a blue bland) in about 20 minutes, unless inclement weather has unavoidably delayed its arrival. Well, I say blue bland, but I’ve always thought it was more cerulean than blue. Also, I have always felt that the philosopher Spinoza was an ontologist whose theories were brilliant but inaccessible to the common man, don’t you agree?
Moy: Um, yeah.
With a clever use of this segue, I boarded the Eurostar on platform 5 and proceeded into Austria confidently armed with five years of German, ready to wow ‘em. To my surprise, however, I got a rather cold reception in Vienna and can only attribute this to one of two things: either, unbeknownst to me, Osterreich (Austrian) Deutsch is completely different from German Deutsch and I was actually calling people’s mothers whores rather than asking for a piece of cake; or the Viennese just hate to hear English speakers mangling their tongue. In any case, if you go there, don’t expect the Austrians to be lovely, helpful and covered-in-strudel-crumbs like their German cousins – all that schnitzel has soured the Austrian’s temperaments somewhat.
As for Italy, man-on-the-street Italians don’t appear to speak much English but are unfailingly nice and helpful, and you can make yourselves understood to one another with lots of hand gestures and use (by me) of English spoken loudly and in an Italian accent.
Moy’s guide to animals in Europe
All Europeans have dogs, usually tiny dogs which accompany their owners everywhere, including onto public transport and Church (European dogs are very devout, unlike their New Zealand counterparts which tend to be agnostic if not downright atheist).
The exception to the general tiny dog rule can be found in Italy, where the dogs tend to be larger. This was most noticeable in Venice, where I’d imagine they own larger dogs as smaller dogs would soon be lost in the current of the Grand Canal. I’m of the opinion that the Venetians have been arming their dogs with scuba gear and are getting ready for an assault on mainland Italy. I can’t prove anything, they’re very clever, but don’t be surprised when it happens.
Moy’s guide to statues, ruins and all that other clichéd tourist stuff
Luckily I’d studied hard prior to my departure from New Zealand during “Cheesy and Clichéd Tourist 101” and I was ready and able to do my duty and stuff in as many monuments and museums into my trip as possible. In Scotland it’s all about the tourist, especially in Edinburgh, and if you leave without a picture of a guy in a kilt, the taste of haggis in your mouth, and a little Nessie toy which can play “Scotland the Brave” you’re not doing it right. The view from the Eiffel Tower is worth the price and Notre Dame with its fantastically ugly gargoyles is worth the long wait in the queue. You’ll never forget your first sight of Venice as you make your way along the Grand Canal, half the fun is getting lost in the tiny streets that may or may not lead somewhere, and the Moroccan influence in the Italian architecture is surprising and beautiful (don’t do what I did in Venice though and leave the window open at night – the canals are rife with mossies). If you’re into picturesque ruins, Rome is the place for you. One notable and repeated feature throughout the whole of Europe was a statue of a guy on a horse – so many different countries, same statue of the guy on a horse. I’m not sure who he was, but man, that guy got around.
 | Who would have thought a statue could stalk?
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Moy’s guide to food in Europe
The keyboard is damp with saliva as I remember all the amazing food I scoffed while in Europe, but here’s a short guide of what to expect, what to definitely try and what to avoid like the plague. In Scotland the food is good and solid if not particularly inspiring (although my group did sample every sticky toffee pudding in the country and they’re universally good). If you want to know what haggis tastes like – it’s kind of like mince mixed up with oats and is actually pretty good (so try to stop being such a girl’s blouse, get over the ick factor and just try it). Paris has such an amazing amount of good food that you’ll never want to leave – although at the end of my week there I did feel kind-of-sick from my almost entire diet of bread and butter. Also of especial note in France are the cheese (oh, the brie, dribble, dribble) éclairs and the coffee. However, a Gormand’s Paradise the Czech Republic is not. Avoid the bread there at all costs – it’s like someone has baked sawdust into the bread dough and then let the bread go stale. Also in Prague, big, fatty, spicy sausages are pretty good while eating them hot but have the tendency to congeal and get gross quickly. Italian pizza – come on, nuff said - and Wiener Schnitzel, also super-yum.
Moy’s guide to politics in Europe
My trip to Vienna coincided with some kind of election. In contrast to the boredom of a New Zealand election, in Europe politicians understand the importance of free toys and pens in securing votes. I’m calling for greater use of propaganda merchandise in the 2008 New Zealand General Election, and I know my friend will treasure his toy bear marked with the initials of some random Austrian politician forever.
Moy’s short and sweet and possibly actually useful tips
- Wombat’s Hostel in Vienna is the best hostel I’ve ever stayed at with all the mod-cons (including a flash bathroom in every room), a place right in the centre of the city, and with the friendliest atmosphere – big ups to my loudly snoring but highly friendly Aussie roommates. For 20 Euro a night it’s also the best value around. The Absolute Paris Hotel/Hostel in Paris (duh) rocks also with great views, the standard French cool-factor, and close proximity to the metro which will take you anywhere and everywhere you need to go.
- Don’t bother getting money out in all the various currencies you might need before you go – all airports and major train stations have ATMs at which you can grab however much of whatever currency you need without being charged exorbitant fees for changing money over. Also, if you put money on one credit card so that it’s always in credit it doesn’t cost you anything to get money out of an ATM.
- If you want to see the usual suspects in Paris and Versailles and plan to stick around three days or more buy a Museum Carte which will get you into most things cheaper and in a priority queue (i.e. you’ll avoid the long lines).
- I found the first thing I did as I moved around was buy water – but don’t be fooled like I was when buying as 90% of the water on the shelves over there is fizzy water (bleh), which the Europeans have an inexplicable love of – so make sure you’re getting the still water if that’s what you want.
- Airline to avoid – Lufthansa (tiny amount of legroom and really close to you neighbours, which on a long-haul minimum 10 hour flight is not a good thing).
- Airline you’ll love – Singapore (heaps of room to move, own TV with your choice of movies, TV shows and CDs, great food, lovely people).
Conclusion
This conclude Moy’s Guide to Europe. There is obviously lots more I could say, but my attention span in pretty short and…hey, a seagull…
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