LIVING WITH MANNERS

3. Being an Unwilling Dating Agent

Written by Mandroid3000

Of the many unreasonable things that friends ask us to do there is one that is especially galling. Galling not for being insidious (“Help me hide this body”), or embarrassing (“Help me hide this body, and yes, those are fuck holes.”), or because it’s destined to end in a brawl (“My teenage daughter is going through a rebellious sexual phase, can she stay at your place to cool down?”). No, it’s galling because it brings home to you how truly pathetic the friends you are fated to journey through life really are. That thing is the dreaded question, “I really like this girl. Could you ask her out for me?”.

While this shouldn’t be something that happens after age 10 (and even then it is justifiable cause for a restrained, understanding thrashing), this test of friendship goes on well past that age. Your first instinct may be to say “don't be an ass”, but you should hold your tongue and read on. For we cannot all be silver-tongued Casanovas, or freakishly hung Ron Jeremies. We can’t all even be rich but ugly, or be basking in the two weeks or being attractive to the lower classes that comes with a stint on a reality show. Some people need help, and those people are your MMORPG buddies.

This article will guide you through this social minefield with your legs intact. I'll tell you how to find out with senstibity and subtlety if your friend's crush has reciprocal feelings (in a manner that could be compared to walking slowly through the minefield with an accurate map, if one were willing to make metaphors). I will then tell you how to hype up your friend if his crush has no denies any interest (I guess this is like going through the minefield with a map if your kind of crap at navigation). Then, I offer important advice on how to behave when you also have a crush on the woman in question (equivalent to throwing your hands in the air and running through the minefield screaming like a banshee).

The Favour
Your friend (who we shall henceforth refer to as “Daryl”, as in 99% of cases it will be a male requestee with a silly name) will usually ask for the favour in one of two forms. The first is to discover if there is reciprocal attraction from the target (who I shall refer to as Lola, as it’s easy to spell). The second is to request a date or erotic rendezvous.

I will dispatch with the second in a speedy manner as it is not a step that should ever be undertaken. A woman of sound mind, which Lola certainly is, would respond to the question “Will you go on a date with Daryl tomorrow night?” with “Why doesn’t the idiot just ask me himself?” Confidence is often cited as an attractive feature in men, so Daryl has just ruled himself out of any fleshy pleasure. But he can fake it by finding out if he’ll get a definite “Yes” before acting like the suave hot dog that he isn’t.

Now, you may say, Daryl may be interested in a woman of unsound mind. If that is the case no series of etiquette guides will be of any use in deciphering her random synaptic pulses. You’ll do just as well squeezing into some tight jeans and picking random words from the dictionary.

Girls, Defined
So, we have the task of subtly discovering if Lola feels any affection towards Daryl. There are several approaches that can be taken depending on the woman you are asking. I can safely say that there is a question here suitable for every woman in the world.

1. The direct: “Do you like Daryl?”
2. The really direct “On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), how moist would you say you get when you see Daryl?”
3. The super subtle: “Did you just say Daryl? I’m sure that’s what I heard.”
4. The overblown: “Daryl, what a guy? Will I ever find someone so understanding again? The only thing I fear is that some lucky woman will realise how special he is, and I’ll be left thrashing on the seas of life like a schooner without an anchor.”
5. The passive, queer-sounding: “Daryl’s pretty cute, don’t you think?”.

Having skilfully asked the question, you need to be able to understand the answer. There are several phrases that may sound like an admission of attraction, however “He deserves a girlfriend”, “He’s a nice guy”, and “He reminds me of my brother” all mean that Daryl has absolutely no chance. Any redness of the face means yes (or poor circulation), while any sharp snorting means no (or that Lola has boogers).

Marketing Sub-par Goods

If you are on the receiving end of a negatory, there is much debate about whether to try to sell your friend’s virtues. The wise money says you should gently change the subject and inform your friend in a sensitive manner. The speculative money says that caution should be thrown to the wind, and a wild series of lies entered into. This column falls on the side of the speculative money.

Stick to your friend’s emotional strengths. A subtle story about your friend’s support during a tough time may work. How he took you to a Thai brothel when you failed your driving test won’t. As physicality is obvious to non-blind observers, body hyping is unnecessary. Telling Lola that Daryl only looks podgy because he’s always sitting in bad light won’t work. And you shouldn’t hype unseen anatomy. Most women do not feel comfortable having cocks recommended to them by other men (note: unless pornos have lied to me, women do recommend cocks to each other all the time).

Just remember that most women don’t like being manipulated into purchases. They like to feel that they reached a choice through their own deductive reasoning. This comforting delusion is strongest in decisions of a sexual nature. While the promise of “hot young girls” may drag a man into a costly night at a disreputable club, only the most vulgar of shop girls would heed that carnal crier’s call of “hot young cock, two bob a squirt”.

So, in a long-winded way we have learnt how to deal with this situation. A well-pitched question, a delicate ear for the response, and then a series of outrageous lies to change a mind. Simple enough. However, there is one common stumbling block in this transaction.

I Want It
If you yourself are interested in Lola you are faced with the emotional and logistical challenge of talking down goods to Daryl that you then intend to scoff like a greedy lumberjack. So how do you go about this? There are three techniques.

1. The Truth - You have the option of telling Daryl not to be such a pussy, with the hope that he will retreat back to his bedroom while you safely move in for the kill. But if your stern words make Daryl take a fresh look in the mirror and get up the guts to ask Lola himself, you’ll feel a tad foolish if he’s successful.

2. The Fuck and Weave - This option is best employed when you don’t want a relationship with Lola, just a quick round of rumpy pumpy. Make your move, if successful you can break up the relationship in post coital embrace by mentioning that Daryl likes her and that they should go out.

Of course, this pleasurable solution has its own problem. It may drive the now emotionally damaged Lola into Daryl’s arms, and the emotionally damaged have a way of blurting out things that are highly inconvenient. If Daryl would be bothered by your actions, and wouldn’t be convinced that you just wanted to take Lola for a trial run to see how she worked, then this is a poor strategy. If your friend is either extremely foolish, or so desperate for sex that he won’t care, then enjoy!

3. The Double Agent - The third option is also risky. Badmouth Daryl to Lola. Say he has STDs from numerous one night stands with his cousins. Make up outrageous lies about the girls who dropped out of school after he got them pregnant. Say he beats his mother when she gives him cold macaroni. The more outrageous the better.

Now tell Daryl that you questioned Lola, and she’ll definitely say yes if he asks her out. The resulting scene will be an emotional barroom brawl for thin-skinned Daryl. He will be shell shocked. Lola will be grateful. You will have scored.

But, there are pitfalls. You may come across as a raving conspiracy theorist when there may be no need for a conspiracy to stop Daryl from getting sex. Instead try to adopt a tone of slightly detached concern, and punctuate it with ”he’s my friend, and I wouldn’t have said anything. It’s just that I…”, barely choking back a fake sob,… “love you so much myself”. Touchdown!!!

In Conclusion It Truly Was a Luxury Fleet

Affairs of the heart are like a good plate of ribs: messy, sweet, sticky, a little tangy, and supplied with a finger bowl. Can any instructional pamphlet tell you how to eat every style of barbecue ribs in the world? Of course not. Only a charlatan would offer one-size-fits-all solutions, or one-planet-of-origin-fits-each-gender rubbish. There are no hard and fast “Rules” like some dime store hussies may tell you. No! Concrete answers are for the weak-minded.

While my guidance is inherently valuable, I will have done my job if I can make you think like the gracious gazelle in affairs of the heart, weaving and bounding from relationship to relationship. In such tenuous scenarios where you are trying to out-manoeuvre so many people, you have to think on your toes. Other’s advice will turn you into a plodding love rhino. The rhino may live on the same savannah, but the rhino’s only scoring fat broads.

Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)