CASANOVA
**1/2 out of *****

Genres
Comedy
Romance

2005
Directed by
Lasse Hallström
Written by
Jeffrey Hatcher and Kimberly Simi (screenplay)
Kimberly Simi and Michael Cristofer (story)
Cast
Heath Ledger .... Casanova
Sienna Miller .... Francesca Bruni
Jeremy Irons .... Pucci
Oliver Platt .... Paprizzio
Lena Olin .... Andrea
Omid Djalili .... Lupo
Stephen Greif .... Donato
Ken Stott .... Dalfonso
Helen McCrory .... Casanova's Mother
Leigh Lawson .... Mother's Lover/Tito
Tim McInnerny .... The Doge
Charlie Cox .... Giovanni Bruni
Natalie Dormer .... Victoria

My heart sank when the opening credits came up and the words “Directed by Lasse Hallström” flashed on the screen. Could there be a more twee, safe director to take on the world’s greatest lover. It’s like hiring Chris Colombus to make a film about Jenna Jameson. After being subjected to Hallström’s Chocolat (the worst Best Picture nominee ever?) I was not looking forward to this. Thankfully, it was pretty passable entertainment. Sure, it’s a film about the world’s greatest lover with no sex or passion in it, but this is Lasse Hallström, and I managed to get out of the theatre with some laughs and an over-the-top chase scene, so that’s the best I could have hoped for. Just try to hear the name Guido whenever a character says "Casanova" and you won’t feel you’re missing too much.

We meet Casanova (Guido) after (after!) he’s bedded thousands of women. His name is well known, though people seem to either know him only by name or sight as the script requires it. His antics have gotten the attention of the Inquisition, who desperately want him brought to justice for licentiousness, immorality, and other anti-church guff. But the ruler of the Venice, the Doge, is protecting him (I forget why, maybe vicariousness). But with the Inquisition breathing down his neck (eventually in the form of Jeremy Irons) the Doge can’t he keep protecting Casanova for long, so he orders Casanova to find a respectable wife, post haste.

Casanova finds the comedy relief virgin Victoria (i.e. she breaks clumsily symbolic bird cages with her lust grip) and arranges the engagement with her father. But then Giovanni (who’s secretly infatuated with Victoria) challenges him to a duel, at which Casanova meets Giovanni’s sister Francesca (duelling in Giovanni's place, as she is a feisty liberated woman) who Casanova is fascinated by and wants to be engaged to instead. But she’s arranged to be married off to wealthy Genoan lard merchant Paprizzio. And it should be noted that Francesca’s an early feminist who stands against all Casanova stands for, but is luckily one of the cast members who doesn’t know what Casanova looks like.

In essence we have a story about the taming of Casanova by a feminist, though with lots of suggestive jokes and chases involved. I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to watch a film about Casanova that’s not the story I’m interested in (it’s also fictional, as if there isn’t enough real material about him, i.e. six volumes of autobiography). It’s like seeing a movie called John Matrix: After Bennett I Rested. A film where Casanova starts out rooting women and ends up rooting them would be the storyline of Casanova-themed porn out there, which may be the best genre to tells his stories in.

Casanova is played by Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger always seems to be in movies I wind up watching. I have it in my head that I don’t like him. Every movie I see him in I tend to forget that I’m supposed to not be liking him, so his ability to silence the high-pitched voice of rage in the back of my head means I must conclude that I think he’s quite good. He’s quite good in the title role; lover, fun-loving scoundrel, all of that. It’s not his fault that there’s not enough of the lover in the film, which may make his Casanova seem like a bit of a wet fish.

I know from the covers of gossip mags and E! Channel advertisements that I’m supposed to know who Sienna Miller is. I went in knowing the name, but not the face. After the film I wouldn’t be able to pick her generic face out of a line-up of generic pretty girls. Her acting is like the rest of the film, it lacks fire. And this is the woman who Casanova is willing to give up all others for? Do you, Lasse, not think the audience can see all the hot Italian women in the background? How was this ever going to be convincing?

The script isn’t too bad considering the path they chose to take (though it has an over reliance on hot air ballons and their related equipment). The story of a notorious seducer of women, lover of nuns and married women and who knows who else, is going to rely on lots of romantic entanglements, slapstick, and bedroom-related humour if you decide to cut out any sex scenes. The script is amusing, but not that funny. The good actors like Omid Djalili and Oliver Platt made the most of it, the bad ones like Sienna Miller just sink.

But there is one thing so bad I can barely write about it. A joke so misplaced, so jarring, it’s almost a crime. I’m not going to randomly blame the screenwriters, as it could have been suggested by someone on the set. It comes right near the end. Minutes away from the end someone decides to drag us out of 18th century Venice during a bumpy coach chase and have Lena Olin say “This is the last time I ride coach”. Why? Why for God’s sake would you throw away all that work for such an awful awful awful awful joke. And Lasse, you’re married to the woman. You have to protect her from such garbage. Maybe, only maybe, should you peel off the veil of a film’s historical setting if you have the world’s greatest joke. Even then you’d have to think long and hard about doing it. But for “This is the last time I ride coach”. NO!!!!!! Fuck you, whoever the fuck you are. Just fuck you. I know this rant is totally out of proportion, but really, fuck you.

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