Everyday we labour under the cruel whip of other people’s ideology and crackpot ideas, living our lives according to their insane ramblings. But no more! It is time for a new Order, where new ideas waft like a breath of fresh of air through the cobwebs of our minds. We’ve decided to start this new wave off by throwing a few ideas out that we have developed over the last few years. Use these tools wisely and they will serve you well, note that we accept no legal liability for any situations where they do not serve you well. We are not your mommies. If you want a brain nappy, then we suggest you go buy a roll of tinfoil ASAP.

1. The Grand Robot Theory of Economics

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all live the good life? Sleep all day, sleep all night. But we can’t, damm our frail bodies that require regular food, shelter and water! If only we had some sort of mother-like figure who could take care of this.

This fundamental need spurred the creation of the Robot Theory of Economics one morning after leaving an economics lecture. The class was decidedly dull, which lead to the observation that we were wasting our time with a class that merely sought to describe symptoms of the problem of human suffering (if you define suffering as not living easy) without offering a solution. A solution that we then developed during a brisk walk to the Student Union:

“We should build a vast Army of robots so we can all live like Kings”

1. A vast army of robots will provide all the necessities of life – food and shelter. So instead of working 40 hours a week to provide such things, humankind could spend that time entertaining itself. Or sleeping.

2. Robot servants for all! Every person gets a personal robot servant. Such servants shall be equipped with a saddle, to allow for easy transportation. Who wouldn’t want a horse that could feed and bathe you? Don’t answer that.

3. With such vastly increased leisure time, humanity could spend time pursuing great works of literature and philosophy. First item on the agenda: Provide a moral justification for creating a vast army of slave-like robots. (For bonus credit find a way of satisfactorily explaining said justification to any angry robots)

4.  If said robot Army rebels and attempts to destroy the lazy human Overlords, the essential rebuilding after the long ruinous war will add much needed economic activity to the global GDP (from a (war-induced) low base).  Remember: You can’t have destruction without construction!

2. Quantum Discrimination

The Everett many-worlds interpretation (or our sketchy interpretation of the Everett many-worlds interpretation) of quantum theory postulates the existence of a multiverse. This is a collection of parallel universes that have split from each other. The split occurs either every time there is more than one way a subatomic particle could move, or at convenient plot points in sci-fi movies.

With so much splitting of our universe going on, no wonder some of us are the less-than-optimal versions of ourselves. What are the odds that we'd be in the branch of the multiverse that became utopia? Very slim indeed. So how can we hold people's lousiness against them? We can't, without being guilty of quantum discrimination.

The effect of quantum discrimination on our lives is monumental. But through understanding, warriors against quantum discrimination can fight back.
 

Making Quantum Discrimination work for you: The Roman Emperor Defence

So what use is Quantum Discrimination, aside from being a nice thought exercise? Imagine you have been charged with an offence, after you smashed your BMW into a bunch of old women crossing the street. There are plenty of witnesses, you were drunk, you have confessed to the action, and things look pretty grim all around. You will be convicted unless you can come up with an iron-cast (or cast-iron) defence. The only solution is to change the rules of engagement, to challenge the court's very existence, and therefore right to charge you.

The logic goes like this: Your ancestors lived in Western Europe, former stamping ground of the Romans and their Empire. Now in our universe that Empire fell about 1500 years ago (in the West) due to a bunch of jerks from the East (who could be your ancestors), and it exists only as a memory, with no legal significance whatsoever. However in another branch of the multiverse an ancestor of yours became Emperor of Rome, and with his incredible smartness managed to defeat the Barbarian Invaders, and his descendants (also your ancestors) and the empire survived to this day.

This next bit is where Quantum Discrimination comes in. If your ancestors in another universe became the rulers of the Roman Empire, and ruled it wisely, the glory and majesty that was Rome would have no doubt extended across the known world, to this very New Zealand. Now in this other universe you are now the current Emperor of Rome, since New Zealand is a part of this Empire it would be impossible for your Imperial person to be charged! Of course someone might say that Rome would not have colonised New Zealand, but that doesn't ruin the defence!  As a head of state you are unable to be charged in another state's courts. So it would be a clear-cut case of quantum discrimination not to accord you (in this universe) the same dignity. Therefore you escape all charges, and leave a free man.

As there are infinite branches of the multiverse, so there are infinite forms of quantum discrimination that must be combated. Do not surrender to this insidious life-warping scourge.

3. The Anglosphere

Ever felt kind-of left out when Muslims, Chinese, the Catholic Church, Africans or the EU go around boasting about their wonderful trans-national identities? No? Me either! So lets move on to a different topic: The Anglosphere!

I’ve noted that commentators often have trouble describing the English speaking nations, and there is nothing worse than a fumbled, clichéd delivery. The very real problem is that due to colonialism, dismal weather, crap living conditions, religious tolerance, land hunger, bloody-minded psychopaths, etc., the world now has a large number of often geographically dispersed English-speaking nations. These nations share similarities, ranging from common political-legal origin, sport, culture, and um, language. Economically they are quite influential so they often are the topic of discussion.  But how tiresome it is to say “the English-speaking countries” or “countries that share a common cultural legal historical foundation” every time you want to make a quick observation on the global mega-culture. Of course it would all be a lot easier if we still had a British Empire, but that political dinosaur has gone the way of the dinosaurs. Besides, some countries get a little resentful about being included in such an auspicious group of nations.

So we are left in the position of needing a new term to describe this group of nations. Something snappy, that rolls off the tongue, that you would pay to wear on a T-shirt. Luckily someone has already come up with such a label, the Anglosphere! According to Wikipedia, Neal Stephenson coined this term in his 1995 novel, The Diamond Age . Since then it has garnered some use from some news commentators and a bunch of slightly odious websites.

So looking closely at the word “Anglosphere” it can be broken down into two distinct words: Anglo and Sphere. The former refers to a two-bit Germanic tribe, long since mutated beyond reasonable identification; the second word refers to a sphere, in this case, the Planet Earth. I think it non-controversial to say that the Earth is in fact sphere-like (despite any minute differences that may have been scientifically proven by Science), although this will become an issue if English-speaking humans colonise other planets, orbital bodies, or other planes of existence. The real issue comes with ‘Anglo’. This clearly aligns the term to that aforementioned two-bit tribe, now synonymous with the English nation, which brings in all sorts of bad memories around Imperialism. However, for want of a commonly accepted alternative to ‘Anglo’ or ‘English’ I think it best we use Anglo, as it at least is one step removed from ‘English’. Someone once said “If it happened one thousand years ago to people you’ve never met, quit bitching”. While that person may be a chump, they have a fair point in that the world has no time for Anglo tribe patriots (I'm sure they exist, somewhere, biding their time, like the Masons, the Catholic Church, Osama, and all those other crazy guys we love to hate).

So then we have a word (the Anglosphere), but what does it mean exactly? Do we import more than just language into this definition? I think not, for while such things are important the purpose of the label is to get a short hand way of saying ‘English-speaking countries’. Who cares if they have cultural, legal or political differences, they all speak English. So the final definition shall be: All countries that speak English as their main language, whether or not said language is legally their official language.

Note to unnamed nutty websites: There is no way in hell Israel can legitimately be defined as belonging to the Anglosphere. While they may be a close ally of Anglosphere linchpin, the United States of America, their national identity is closely bound up in their revival and use of the Hebrew language. Calling them part of the Anglosphere is both an insult to their language reclamation project, and a fundamental misuse of a snappy description.

4. The Future Quake

Déjà vu is a trippy feeling, the poor man’s LSD, the one thing that makes us all really human. “I’ve been here before” you say fervently to yourself, wanting to believe, but too cheap to actually buy some good, high quality hallucinogenic drugs. Well chumps, it seems almost impossible to prove déjà vu empirically, so I'd wager you are all crazy and criminally cheap. You need to get with the programme and start thinking about deep, profound stuff, like Future Quakes!

Unlike the flaky déjà vu of yore, the Future Quake is clearly a natural phenomenon. Have you ever had a totally amazing idea, like say racing puppies for money, only to turn on the TV and find something called ‘greyhound racing’ already exists? There are two possible explanations: one that you are an idiot who is 100 years behind the play, or secondly you’ve had your intellectual property stolen by some sort of time travelling idea thief. Since 25% of all people now have a PhD (living or dead) we can safely assume that we are not idiots, so it must be option two.

The scientific explanation is a little less hokey than a time travelling ideas pirate, yes sir! The real explanation is more complicated. Using an earthquake analogy imagine your idea as a geological force, generating many millions of units of energy, energy that must be dispersed. Where does it all go? It can’t evaporate, as we all know that a good idea can’t just die. It can’t go forward in time, because that hasn’t happened yet, so where? It does go somewhere: the past! The energy of the idea literally rips a pathway through time, until it hits a receptive mind. In this case the idea of puppy racing has caused an explosion that was so amazing that it shot like a bullet back to that 19th century British gambler who started the greyhound races. I’m not trying to dismiss the contribution of this unnamed gambler, but his role was more like a surrogate mother, who warms the egg, then raises it to the proud adult we now see today. The actual idea father was you.

Ideas that have been proven to have future-quaked:

1. Star Wars: All space-based science fiction (including Metropolis (which is not even spaced based))

2. Podcasts: Radio.

3. Puppy racing: Greyhound racing.

4. Me lending $10 to that guy the other day: The banking industry.

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