If your life lacks excitment why not try living vicariously through others, through the open democracy of casual eavesdropping?  Karate Party has compiled a short list that will turn you into the life of any party, assuming of course that when I say ‘life’ or ‘party’ I mean a sneak that finds out useless gossip on the street.  With a little bit of care, and the following words of advice you too can become a casual eavesdropper!

Basic Body Language

1.  Shoulder and Neck Stretches

Develop a complicated set of shoulder/neck stretches, like the 'head as a rocking chair' or the 'someone glued my ear to my shoulder, but it's ok, I'm cool with that".  These moves can be used to hide a subtle repositioning of the ears in relation to the juicy gossip being overheard.  They also act as a self-defence mechanism when the eavesdropped party (or 'mark') sends an accusatory stare your way.

2.   An appreciative audience

People don't like being eavesdropped, but they do like an audience.  Weird huh?  So this leaves you, the eavesdropper, in an odd position. On one hand you want to laugh out loud, or make agreeing sounds, to demonstrate your appreciation of the person's comments, but on the other hand you don't want to get directed an angry look, which all interlopers so rightly deserve.  The answer is to perfect the art of the 'what can you do?" shrug, or the 'suddenly thoughtful' expression.  It is very important that your non-verbal response does not require too active a movement; as that will cross that invisible line.  So don't use any active gestures or finger movements.

Camouflage

3.  Wear appropriate footwear

Wear leather soled shoes when patrolling places that are either a) well stocked with linoleum floors or b) slick (maybe with ice).  This will help you spin around quickly on the spot when you need to interrupt an interesting conversation you have been eavesdropping.  It is essential that you make a big impression on the intruded party (call him Mark). Spinning with flair and grace will do this.  This will also serve as a valuable escape mechanism if your eavesdropping has been detected and is not welcome.  The ability to spin around and pretend to be either looking in a nearby shop window, or running home to turn the gas off are much loved escape mechanisms of the professional casual eavesdropper.

The downside with this is that if the witty commentary is poorly received a quick escape may be impossible.  Leather soles have little grip and can be a menace in wet or icy environs.  Perhaps investigate purchasing a set of stylish spurs.

4.  “Listening to music”

The 1980s was a great decade for the Eavesdropper, with the popularisation of the portable music player.  Not only could a man listen to his smooth sounds anywhere he went, he now also had a perfect cover when indulging in casual eavesdropping.  Earplugs or headphones affixed to the ears, accompanied by a series of ‘rocking out’ gestures, for example rhythmic head shaking or the old favourite “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, Sing it brother!” will distract even the most suspicious of marks.  After all, humanity is well known for being able to focus on one thing at a time, how could you possibly be rocking out AND eavesdropping?  Of course what the mark doesn’t know is that they are your personal music player, and what is better, you can save on batteries.

5. The visual prop

Distraction works. Moose Moose Moose. See?  For some reason humans like being distracted, witness the high attendance rates at casinos, carnivals and churches (the distracting kind).  Use this fact to help you eavesdrop in peace.  Choose an object which preferably is acceptable to be carried around on a everyday basis, like a pair of sunglasses.  Avoid any object that will cause questions, as a rule of thumb don’t carry a change purse if you are a man.  You do not want to be the target of people’s judgmental curiosity, or their pity.

Practise playing with said distraction object in front of a mirror until your routine comes naturally, people must really believe that you are cleaning the glasses, or trying to programme your cell-phone.  You must be able to convince any mark that you are totally transfixed by said distracting object and therefore do not or cannot care about their juicy gossip.   Be careful of using cellphones, god forbid someone actually calls you while you are pretending to use the phone.

Personal space

Most people have got hang-ups over personal space, and resent intrusion from non sexual or family parties.  If you violate this space then you might scare the quarry and have your eavesdropping rights summarily revoked.  It is essential that you develop an acute sense of judgment if you wish to keep learning hot, out of context, gossip.  There are three methods: the exploratory whistle, careful observation of interaction with other people, and the old fall back, the ‘I need to do up my shoelace’ gambit.  Let’s ignore method two and focus on the juicy whistle and shoelace.

6. The Exploratory Whistle

A low, long whistle is a powerful tool in the hands, or, um, mouth of the casual eavesdropper.  Sure, you can hear your mark speak, but what can he hear? Is he aware of his surroundings? You need to know!  Send out the whistle then watch carefully the ears of the mark.  If the mark is dangerously aware his ears may move slightly or cringe, in which case be careful and moderate the eavesdropping.  If the ears do not move, then you are safe to move in slightly.  However be very careful to use a neutral, one tone whistle, if you use the famous wolf whistle then you may have unintended results.

7. I need to do up my shoelace

After identifying a mark, power walk ahead a dozen paces then ‘notice’ your shoelace is undone and stop to remedy this issue.  Choose your stopping place carefully, try and block the middle of the path.  By doing so you force the mark(s) to make a choice about how close to approach you when passing.  If they brush past you then you can safely assume they have little or no personal space. Such a person is tacitly (in-effect) in favour of your eavesdropping, if you cite either the implied or presumed consent rule.  If the mark(s) make a deliberately wide berth around your huddled form then be careful, you may have to stand so far back as to lose the gist of the ‘drop’.

What to do if caught

Like any social misfit the casual eavesdropper will be ruthlessly attacked by his victims, or to be consistent ‘mark’, and rightly so, you are the worst kind of gossip thief, and your stupidity compromises other eavesdropper’s ‘walking to work’ entertainment.  Don't be stupid, don't be caught!

8.  Shoes!

This can be hard, point 3 advises leather soles, but have you tried running in them? Make a judgement call: sneakers or sole.

9.  Carry a bag full of coins.

When confronted create a distraction by throwing said bag onto the ground, this will create a satisfying jingle combined with a veritable rainbow of shiny-ness.  Few people will fail to be distracted by this. In fact be very careful, you may yourself be distracted, you barely evolved magpie surrogate!

10.  Prepare a juicy story

The ancient Anglo-Saxons had a legal concept known loosely as ‘blood money’, basically this meant the perpetrator of a crime would compensate the victim or their family with a sum set by the authorities.  You can do the same, but without the money or the blood.  Instead offer up a story of your own devising but remember to accurately judge your audience, church-goers may not enjoy your story of the priest, the drunken donkey and the newly married couple.

Ideas for stories:

Crib something from the letters page of any popular adult magazine,

Defame a well-known figure,

Offer up a parable that helps the mark improve their life.

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