Poison
  "The Best Of Poison: 20 Years Of Rock"
** out of *****

Poison were an ‘80s hair metal band who were never as big as Bon Jovi, but were bigger than Cinderella. They had power chords, wild parties, gigantic hair, and girlish make up. I seriously dug them when I was between eight and ten years old. Those were the days when I had a gorgeous flowing blonde mullet (though without the internet I never did find out how to make it go all big and puffy). I remember dancing round my bedroom to Poison’s early albums back in the days when, thankfully, digital video cameras didn’t exist.

Oh, the memories! Memories which, I’m not too pleased to have pointed out to me, are now twenty years old. I remember buying Poison’s debut album on cassette in a Cuba Mall music store which I think is now either the comic shop or a place selling Chinese medicine. I even recall an anguished debate with myself about whether to get Look What the Cat Dragged In or a tape by Bad News.

Listening over this retrospective album I found the songs were as cheesy as I expected. Cheesy, but a lot of fun in the unique way that ‘80s glam metal was fun. Sure, you could call it mindless and unsophisticated, but it’s like saying Mozart didn’t write enough songs about getting boozed. I wouldn’t tell anyone to go and get this for the awesome music, but if you weren’t around in the ‘80s it would give you a feel for the decade (in the way that my whole conception of the 1970s is from the soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever). Sure, it would have little relation to reality, but whatever.

The bulk of the songs on this collection are from Poison’s first three albums; Look What the Cat Dragged In (1986), Open Up and Say...Ahh! (1988), and Flesh and Blood (1990). The songs on all three albums are pretty similar, but the production, singing, and guitar playing grows slicker and sounds less artificial in the later albums.

There are three main types of Poison songs from these albums (at least amongst the songs selected here). Those about partying and sex, earnest songs about life lessons and aspirations, and the ever-popular ballads. I don’t know if there’s a different type of fan for every song, but I’m sure some people who love 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' will find 'I Want Action' a bit silly.

My tastes tend towards the partying/sex type songs. 'Talk Dirty to Me' sounds a lot like 'Hey Mickey' with guitars added. It’s about a couple who are going to 'Talk Dirty' in all sorts of ‘50s locations; the drive-in, behind the wood shed, in the cellar. 'I Want Action' is a similar number. It’s about cruising around and finding a lady to do it with to the accompaniment of power chords, overdubbed singing and the occasional suggestive guitar note. Fun stuff.

The song 'Unskinny Bop' is, I think, about sex. I never knew what an Unskinny Bop was, and after doing some research (i.e. looking at Wikipedia) it seems no one else is really sure either. To quote:

The phrase was used on the basis that it was phonetically suited to the music. The song was later played to producer, Fairbairn, who stated that although he did not know what an "unskinny bop" was, the phrase was perfect.

I’m going to assume it’s about sex, which I’m assuming 'Your Mama Don’t Dance' is about as well.

The party songs include a Kiss cover ('Rock and Roll All Nite') which had been circulating as a bootleg. 'Nothin’ But A Good Time' is your standard bluesy guitar rock about working hard and then going out and partying, with the added bonus of an ‘80s metal style chorus. 'Look What the Cat Dragged In' is one of those defiant rock songs about being a bad ass party animal: screaming guitar solos, sneering then almost falsetto delivery of lyrics along with some “meows”.

In the life lessons/aspiration genre is 'Cry Tough'. It’s a strange mix of street smart advice and an aspirational anthem (“You gotta cry tough out on the streets to make your dreams happen”). 'Fallen Angel', as the name suggests, is about a rebellious girl who’s got herself in trouble, a popular type of song in the ‘80s (I remember similar songs by Skid Row and Aerosmith). 'Ride the Wind' sounds pretty decent, but is overburdened by guitars. I think it’s about riding a motorbike. 'Something to Believe In' sounds like Joshua Kadison.

I’m not much of a ballad guy, but some of Poison’s biggest hits were soppy love songs. 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' is probably their best known track, but it does nothing for me. I find that 'I Won’t Forget You' blends into the background. And 'Life Goes On' sounds a bit too Nickleback-esque (“You heal up my wounds, I tasted your tears”).

The final four tracks cover the last three quarters of those "20 Years Of Rock” promised by the album’s title. 'Stand', from the 1993 album Native Tongue, is an acoustic, country-esque, rootsy sort of song. It’s one of those inspirational ‘let’s fight injustice’ tunes that seems destined to be played over news clips, but not be listened to by me.

'The Last Song', from 2000’s Power to the People, is earnest and too lite-rock for my tastes. A sample lyric is: “When I look in your eyes, don’t tell me lies”. 'Shooting Star' from 2002’s Hollyweird is a country-girl-in-Hollywood story: she’s seeking fame and is maybe a bit nuts. It’s one of those songs that I’d hear on the radio and not pay much attention to.

The last track is 'We’re An American Band', the one new recording on this album. And it’s rather sad that they didn’t write something but covered a Grand Funk Railroad song. The song makes sense in terms of marketing because there is, of course, a tour coinciding with this CD. I think I’m supposed to listen to this song about a good honest hardworking band who are coming to my town (and will help me party down) and buy a ticket. But I can’t, since they’re not coming here. Alas and alack.

After taking in these 18 tracks I realised that Poison are like the friend you only hang with when you go out to get absolutely smashed. They’re not a sober day friend. You don’t even want to think about them once you've sobered up. When Poison got more serious and more competent, they became the sort of band I don’t really care for. I don’t listen to them and remember wild parties, since I was was a little kid in their heyday (my big party days coincided with the Backstreet Boys, damn it). But I remember what I thought wild parties would be like when I was eight.

All up, even though it was a fun trip down memory lane, I can’t recommend this on the strength of the music. It's either for those of you who are like me and have memories (or imaginings) to relive, or those who, out of curiosity, want the hear some ‘80s glam metal and don’t care if the music isn’t great or not.

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