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Cabana of Quotes
Latest - Categories - The Quotes 
GREETINGS The Cabana of Quotes is a tropical oasis where our quotes can play in the sun and surf before being withdrawn and put to use in the drudgery of an article or touring puppet show. Here, free from the constraints of that work-a-day world of comedy, they seem happy, playful, full of hope. Let’s remember them this way.
LATEST - October 15, 2007 Advice – Business
“I've seen your business plan and I am almost certain dressing up cats in military uniforms has been done. Sending them to Iraq however, that is 100% original.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito “A penny pinched is a penny earned, just don't expect her boyfriend to understand.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000 Advice – Social
“Giving frank advice to strangers can often result in broken teeth.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito “Govern yourself by other's expectations and you will soon be sailing the sweet waters of the Ocean of Popularity.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito Advice – Trains
“Never trust a railway to understand your personal timetable.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito Advice – Writing
“One doesn't need a plot when there is exposition to be done!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito “A better doodler than writer? Never mind! Simply distract your readers with pictures on every page and you will be laughing your way into the Dan Brown Club of Shit Authors With Audience-Winning Gimmicks.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito Observations & Statements – Family
“A family is like a ship made of fish crewed by a horde of hungry cats.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000 Observations & Statements – Historical
“Foolish thoughts often escape the loosely guarded mouth.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito Observations & Statements – Profound
“To be cutting edge is glorious, to be the trendsetter is even gloriouser.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito
Observations & Statements – Self Delusion
“Drugs are steroids that help you lift the weight of the world.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000 Observations & Statements – Social
“In the popularity stakes, a cold passionless monster will always do badly against a frothing madman.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito Put Downs – Library Related
“The day someone places a reserve on one of your books is the day your mother learns to read.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000
CATEGORIES Action & Adventure
Interrogation – Military – Spying – Superheroes – Tactical Discussions
Advice
Artistic – Business – Charitable Works – Computing – Cookery – Crime – Family – Fashion – Health – Parenting – Political – Relationships – Sexual – Sexual, 1920s – Social – Sounding Intelligent – Trains – Writing Boasts
Baffling – Family – Partying – Sexual – Vainglorious Compliments
Back-Handed Criticism
Cookery – Literary – Wine Bluffery Holidays
Christmas – Easter Marketing
Movie Trailer Quotes – Studio Shill Statements Observations & Statements
Appreciation, General – Baffling – Crime – Disappointment in Others – Disappointment in Self – Economics – Ethics – Family – Fashion – Historical – Marriage Proposals – Nature – Olfactory – Personality Traits – Physical – Politics – Profound – Relationships – Religion – Self Delusion – Sex – Social – Travel – Workplace
Puns
Foreign Language Based Put Downs
Animal Themed – Blunt – Droll – Library Related – Redundant – Temporarily Topical Questions
For the Guidance Counsellor – Political – Rhetorical – Self Realisation – Snapping Others – Stupid Retorts
To Trite Cliches Sex
Baffling – Come Ons – Disappointments – Pimping – Rejections Threats
Baffling – Parenting – Telecommunications – Tough
Action & Adventure
Action & Adventure - Interrogation
“You're bringing up Habeus Corpus? I'll bring him up and bury you in his place if you don't answer my questions.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “Officer Coco Ramsbottom is not a name that inspires fear in the underworld; take away 'Coco' and no one wants to be in an interrogation room with me.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 “We can pretend to be the prisoner’s friends, but not friends with privileges.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “It’s against regulations to use prisoners to make up the numbers in your laser tag match.”
Deposited byMandroid3000, 03/11/06
“My teacher told me: Dancers Get Answers. That was spectacularly incorrect.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
“This mystery is like a Rubik’s Cube where each square is another Rubik’s Cube. That would be very complicated, no? No. Not for a robot, which you are. Or are you? No. You are not. I have you now.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
Back to the category list
Action & Adventure - Military“My strategy is to follow the tactics laid out in our battle plan which I will finish drafting as soon as we get out of this bloody melee.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “In 1941 Moscow lay supine before the German Army, and things looked ill for the fate of Mother Russia. I was in bed at the time, after a rather pleasant evening out the night before with friends, and a soft pillow seemed more important.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 "I don't usually squeal like that, but no one else in the platoon makes cocoa that hot."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"Call off the invasion, the General's had too much sugar."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Action & Adventure - Spying “You may not be able to rely on information you beat out of someone, but that doesn't mean you can't get money for it.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “The best disguises are ones that come naturally; you should pretend to be a preening show pony who blurts out 'I'm a spy' after three beers.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “I don't spy for the women, for the danger, or even for the fast cars. I spy for the sneaking,”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 “There are 34 known ways to use squeaky shoes to your advantage. List them now or die.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"I'm sure that's our guy, he's just in disguise. Try to imagine him without that hedgehog skin glued to his face like an itchy beard."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Action & Adventure - Superheroes
“Super strength is of little value given today's levels of steroid consumption.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Shape shifting girlfriends can get a bit sensitive about being constantly asked to change into your favourite pornstars.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07
“If your girlfriend's a shape shifter it gives you free licence; you can always claim you thought she was roleplaying.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07
“This obesity epidemic has ruined the cheeky thrill of X-ray vision.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “The punching strength of a neutron bomb is of little use when battling systemic political nepotism.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “Superman's greatest power was his magic spectacles - when he put them on everyone around him became retarded.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/11/06 Back to the category list
Action & Adventure – Tactical Discussions
“There is a time and a place to discuss the merits of the long handled baton, and being dragged up the station steps by a burly officer is not one of them.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 “Never shoot a man in the back if you can shoot him in the buttocks.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 “The old axiom that you can lose the battle but win the war doesn't apply when you're a one man army.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07
“It's hard to blow up a drug depot when you're always worried what people think of you.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07
“I cut into the clear because I thought you said Wiggins had feinted. Throw some water on his face and put him in bed.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “We learnt last time that we can’t all go straight for the guy wearing girl’s sports shoes.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"If I'd known I'd end up with cataracts I never would have stabbed you in the eyeballs."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"You've doomed us all....except him."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"You fool! That's not the right way to drown a rat!"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"With my karate skills and your baking skills working together, well, there would be no synergies that would help us stop Baron von Knuttenchop."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
ADVICE
Advice - Artistic“Short pithy statements don't always need to make sense.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 30/05/07 “Madam, the only way you could ever flirt with genius is by putting your hand down my pants.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07 “If literature is a culture's communal mindpool, your story is a three year-old's piss cloud.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “Sir, I am unable to comment on your writing without a certificate in pre-school education.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 “One more stroke, if applied with a big enough brush, will restore this canvas to its unsullied glory.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
"A firm hand and a well loved eraser are the best friends an artist can have"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06
“I suggest you apologise to those paintbrushes.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06 “You should stick to carving turkeys.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06 "The twists in your play were of a such an obvious nature that I suggest a career in Nascar track design."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/10/06
“Look, I’ll tell you what I told the self-saucing pudding, sword and sorcery fiction is yesterday’s news, come back to me when you have something new.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/10/06
Back to the category list
Advice - Business “I've seen your business plan and I am almost certain dressing up cats in military uniforms has been done. Sending them to Iraq however, that is 100% original.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07
“A penny pinched is a penny earned, just don't expect her boyfriend to understand.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 15/10/07
“You cannot eat ideas, or breathe dreams, no; you must enable your own concrete visualisations in order to succeed!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07 “The best advice I can give you about working in teams is don't.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07 “If you haven’t met your quarterly sales targets try going online and selling stuff that came out of your shitter.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 "The pursuit of value, in the kinetic sense, seems rather pointless, from a financial sense."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 “On the internet they’re saying our product is vapour ware. To those people I say: ‘Read the blueprints.’”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“Suitable preparation will ensure goals set are achieved with greater certainty than when preparation is not suitable.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
“Contrary to prior practice, stock take won’t be held in Vegas this year.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
“Annual meetings are a chance to remind yourself what suckers look like.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"Team work makes the dream work!"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
“Running a large multinational is a lot like patting a playful puppy.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Charitable Works
“Don't think in terms of hand ups or hand outs; it's more about playful slaps.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “In the long run, the street collector will thank you for the black eye.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 02/02/07 “If you want to see your charity dollars at work just go look at your self-satisfied face in the mirror.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “Giving money to street beggars is a lot like feeding hungry children.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/10/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Computing“My rule of thumb for making money online: it's better to link than to think.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Internet slang may be English 2.0 but that doesn't mean adding "..is srs bizness" is ever funny or apt.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07
“Don't laugh at Google Ads, you are just not smart enough to know why you need to visit that spyware loader website with the flash games about cats.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07
Back to the category list
Advice - Cookery"If cooking shows could make you a better chef, strip clubs would be full of future Chippendales."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “A plump goose runs a poor second place to a plump garlic sausage.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07 “Try adding a pinch of cayenne pepper to your dish, your dinner guests will thank you! If they don't, try throwing the pepper at their face.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 “Some people like mushrooms, personally, I enjoy eating nice food.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 “If you can think of something that no one has ever stuffed in a pizza crust, all the world’s riches will be yours.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 “Can't afford ice-cream? Try dipping a stick of butter in sugar!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
"Due process has no place in the modern kitchen"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Crime“Justice is a dish best eaten with friends that appreciate irony.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/03/07 “If science could add an ingredient to meth that gave people the urge to cover their tracks then every hitman would take it.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “A coin on a string is a simple but effective way of tricking children and the slow into parting with their goods.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 02/02/07 “Thievery is good, honest work for the terminally lazy.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “Being nice may not pay the bills, but it does make things more pleasant for your cronies.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07
“Any project you ask him to do will die a slow, neglectful death – that’s why you should ask him to fuck your wife.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06
Back to the category list
Advice - Family"Opening a dialogue about drugs with your children will only tell how much your dealer has been overcharging you for the last fifteen years."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “A big house and a small brood have saved many a nuclear family.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “The only structure an extended family should live in together is a crypt.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07 “I was talking to your mother the other night, and we both agree you should call me daddy.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07 Back to the category list
Advice - Fashion"All the drug-fueled inspiration in the world will never create an outfit more dashing than the safari suit."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “Fashion may be art, but not over size L.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 ”Mirrored shoes might be a handy tool in a co-ed school, however a gentleman should always wear suede.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 02/02/07 “You wouldn't mix doilies and monster trucks in real life. Don't do it in an evening gown.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “Look, I don't give a flying fuck what the magic 8 ball told you, patent leather looks good in every situation!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Health“Don't use alternative medicine unless you're willing to fly in an alternative aeroplane powered by magnets and dolphin dreams.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Visualising a healthy version of yourself whill simply generate more guilt when you spend eight hours on the couch eating butter sticks.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “Scared of getting injections? Try visualising the needle as a sacrifical dagger, and the nurse as a high priestess.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07
“If you want to feel robust you need vitamins, not a chrome sex doll.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07
“The best medicine is drugs.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 Back to the category list
Advice - Parenting"If you can't get anyone to respect you, becoming a parent is a good way to create a few."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “Before telling your children about your religious or political views ask yourself 'Am I an idiot?'”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Your fists help me learn.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 31/03/07 Back to the category list
Advice - Political
"Being a loyal party man doesn't mean the same in office as it did in college."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “You political base is like your first house; you're supposed to sell it out to move into a bigger one.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/06/07 “Comical innuendo is lost on a playful kitten. Save your A material for the voting public.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 31/03/07 Back to the category list
Advice - Relationships“It's easy to mistake a head-on colission for opposites attracting.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/06/07 “A sly wink followed by widened eyes melts the heart of even the most ice hearted of women.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 02/02/07
“Think of your family as a long term investment, and an affair as a put option.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
"You can't spell 'romance' without 'Ro Man' the cyborg from Venus who will destroy us all."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/10/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Sexual “Don't use a thesaurus to spice up you pillow talk.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 "Herding cats is kind of sexy, thanks to Catwoman's tireless PR efforts."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 “Being boorish is an aphrodisiac, trust me.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 10/11/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Sexual, 1920s"You must be aware that sending a pregnant girl "to the countryside" won't get you the same result as sending an unwanted dog."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “Sometimes it's best to leave her corset on.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Clean living is more fun that it sounds, all those hot Temperence women are gagging for it.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07 Back to the category list
Advice - Social“Giving frank advice to strangers can often result in broken teeth.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/10/07
“Govern yourself by other's expectations and you will soon be sailing the sweet waters of the Ocean of Popularity.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/10/07
“Next time you want to drop kick someone, don't pick Lady Trowbridge.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “I tried singing for my supper once, turns out a low, long scream will get you a smack in the chops.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07
“Fantasising about what might have been, or what could be is a colossal waste of time, especially when there is wrestling to be watched.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 “Thinking things through isn't my way, and it shouldn't be your way either. Think about it.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 10/11/06
“The telephone may have many uses but it hardly is a substitute for a good handshake or rib tickle.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
"You won't get in with a face like that!"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"Drop the attitude and pick up the gratitude."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
“A well pressed trouser leg will make you the friend of both the sartorially inclined and desperate canines.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"That's the last time you drink milk out of a dribble cup while reading the original Magna Carta. Okay, second to last."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Advice - Sounding Intelligent“Extrapolation helps save valuable research time.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/03/07 “A sneering tone is a good substitute for actually knowing stuff.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07
“A well timed pun will reduce even the most austere of Ivory Tower intellectuals to a quivering jelly.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07
“The review page of your local news daily is a fine place to purloin cliched waffle with which to impress wealthy dowagers.”
Deposited byMandroid3000, 27/02/07 “You can see by my portly ghost-like appearance that you can chose not to be a thin-waisted, bronze-skinned, poorly-read moron who is more popular with your friends and wife than you are; for you cannot choose to be more popular than yourself. QED.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 "Try including the phrase ‘Whither restorative justice?’ when corresponding to people
you are eager to impress."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06 Back to the category list
Advice -Trains“Never trust a railway to understand your personal timetable.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07 Back to the category list
Advice -Writing“One doesn't need a plot when there is exposition to be done!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07
“A better doodler than writer? Never mind! Simply distract your readers with pictures on every page and you will be laughing your way into the Dan Brown Club of Shit Authors With Audience-Winning Gimmicks.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07
Back to the category list
BOASTS
Boasts - Baffling "Rugby used to be played on horses until my quads and the SPCA came along."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “I may not look like much in these prison clothes, but in velvet...in velvet I am beautiful.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 "I'm one jig you won't puzzle."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/10/06
"My argument may add up to two sides of the same coin, but that's still money!"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06
"I'm the Dutch salami of the chef circuit, I don't do garlic."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"I came, I saw, I analysed the data and now I'm leaving, on the way to my destination I will stop for a cookie."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Boasts - Family
"Millions will work themselves to death for the faint hope that people will jealously despise their family name as much as they despise ours."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “If my parents were Adam and Eve you'd be a lot less ugly.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/06/07 “The only thing that runs in my family are the kids away from Uncle Clarrie.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “My forty-three illegitimate children mean thousands of people now have the honour of tracing their lineage to my magnificent ball sack.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “I come from a long line of horse stranglers, here, feel my wrist muscles.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
"He's a precocious little bugger, only four and he's already moping like a Liberal Arts major."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Boasts - Partying“I drink so much beer that if I don't recycle my cans there'll be no new cars in Bangladesh for a decade.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/06/07 “I'm the only Prom King in history to be excommunicated by the Pope.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07 “I drank so much beer, the other guys stuck a tube down my throat and did keg stands off me.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “A dirty wine glass will disgust some and turn on others. There is only one way to find out.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 02/02/07 “I was so drunk last night I gave a cop that look I give when I don’t want to do the dishes…and the punk bitch just took it.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 “I once threw up so hard I got drunk off the undigested booze from the previous binge.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06 Back to the category list
Boasts - Sexual “I pounded her so hard she started talking in a British accent.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Until last Saturday night, mariner’s lore said it took more than one harpoon to bring down a sperm whale.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
"The last time I made a woman groan like that I was doing my Austin Powers impression."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Boasts - Vainglorious"If you want to make a quick ten grand on Ebay, I wouldn't flush that condom, baby ."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 07/10/08 “God said I'd be a good influence on his son.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “I love. I fight. I love to fight.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 “All the cows in Denmark went on strike when they found out they weren't being teat pumped to make butter sculptures of my face.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07 “Cremate me when I die, so all the people of the land can inhale my essesence.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “Ever seen that guy who did something impressive? He is my clone.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “One day a nightclub will serve my saliva chilled, with a pink umbrella and a pinch of nutmeg.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
“If I could find a way to carve my visage onto every retina in the universe, I think I’d probably do it.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
“I should be on the cover of this country’s passport.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
“You've heard of the Titanic? Well I'm the mother fucking iceberg! Now get your arse over here!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
COMPLIMENTS
Compliments - Back-Handed "Seeing you at the film festival is a portent of cinema's artistic decline, but good on you for improving yourself."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “Your wife is a truly ravishing creature; the caterers request you remove her from their snack truck.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07 “I have greatly enjoyed our conversation and look forward to those we undertake when you actually learn to speak English.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “I rarely have met a more pleasing dinner companion…I can only imagine how much better you’d be if you were not a raving psychopath.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 “I’m very impressed that a man of your breeding managed to ride the escalator.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “I’m so very glad you dropped over…without me having to push you off.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“I propose a toast to Barry for not coming into the office smelling of putrid offal all week.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
“Usually I'd say a top-hat doesn't suit a shaved monkey, but in your case, I'm willing to make an exception.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
Back to the category list
CRITICISM
Criticism - Cookery
"If food must be subject to theories, then the holy grail will be a unified formula that links ribs, pizza and marshmallows."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “A gourmet burger is like a high class call girl; the refinement, cleanliness, and range of condiments destroy what should be an exercise in classless gluttony.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “Impressive; you somehow turned a high grade t-bone steak into a Slim Jim.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07 “This pastry should be flaky, but not like those bits of crap peeling off your scalp.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “This sorbet reminds me distinctly of the time some wit replaced my morning caviar with gravel - gritty, hard on the mouth, and with the smallest hint of urine.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “How did you brown these onions? By dipping them in shit?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 "The dubious charms of my rarely cleaned toilet are infinitely superior to this dish you call lunch."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 Back to the category list
Criticism - Literary"Children, as a general rule, aren't interested in self-pitying tales of literary rejection."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “I would sooner trust my eyes to a pair of hungry seagulls than read another page of your 'side splitting' novel.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 Back to the category list
Criticism - Wine Bluffery“I think it's prefectly reasonable to deify mid-career flameouts who run glorified moonshine stills.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “I'm getting a hint of tang and a dash of zing with a heavy undertone of grape.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07
“There aren't enough trumped up wine competition gold medals in the world to praise this merlot enough.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07
“The deep richness of this [insert drink] in no way detracts from what I'll unashamedly say is perhaps the most delightfully pungent nasal experience since that jaunt through the Botanical Gardens in spring.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07
“If tongues had free will, mine would be licking the sommelier's face.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “While I found the aroma pleasing, with subtle hints of seasonal flora there was a distinct lack of full-bodied flavour, despite a pleasing undercurrent towards the end .”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 Back to the category list
HOLIDAYS
Holidays - Christmas “Dear Santa, I'd like to not be a rough hewn transient living in a nappy incinerator.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 "I don't care what he said, three hos don't make it Christmas!"
Deposited by Root, 20/09/06 "I've had it with Christmas, and now I've had it with you!"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Holidays - Easter
“The strange mixture of bloody torture and sweet sugar belongs in the horror section, not on the calendar.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “It's not appropriate for Good Friday and TGI Friday to fall on the same day.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “Easter should be less about sacrifice and worship and more about giant chocolate rabbits fighting eggs dressed up in gang colours.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07 “Easter Mass is not a discussion about your spreading ass cheeks.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 Back to the category list
MARKETING
Marketing - Movie Trailer Quotes“3-D: It's not just for daily activities like grocery shopping and filling your car up with gas anymore.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “He's got the curves, he's got the nerves.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 “How far would you go to save the secret of how far you'll go?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “If someone says you won't enjoy this movie they are hateful scum who want nothing but sadness for you.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “In a world of warring robots can a robot survive the robot wars while remaining a little boy…at heart?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06
“This movie’s twist is so unbelievable even your ass will gape. (Rubbish bag pants available in the lobby.)”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06
Back to the category list
Marketing - Studio Shill Statements
“Calling Academy members: this is easily the year's best film, so you won't have to watch this year's screener discs either.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “This movie destroys the Auteur Theory and creates the Theory of Director as All-Knowing SuperDeity.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07 “A film so amazing, all aspiring directors may as well jump off a dam onto a pile of jagged dildos – it’s truly that good.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 “I’m not going to wait for the apocalypse to call this the best movie ever.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 Back to the category list
OBSERVATIONS & STATEMENTS
Observations & Statements – Appreciation, General "I admire your gait so much I may have my femurs cracked to replicate it."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 08/10/07 “Sometimes a stunned silence is more appropriate than applause .”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “...and I thought whopping cough was how old ladies showed their appreciation at Neil Diamond concerts.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 "This rocks more than a box of gravel."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Baffling“Making cheese is all about a pumping creamy brand of unbearable patience. So is College.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “Locking up valuables in a box is sort of like dipping a cat in jam. Somehow.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 “Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if windows were all mirrors.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements – Crime “Honour among thieves is like passing a dildo round a nunnery.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “Farewells are much more difficult when you're not holding a Luger.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07
“From a safe distance defamation can be an amusing sideshow.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 “When the forces of beauty and strength are united there are very few things they cannot conquer, except perhaps a vindictive circus freak armed with an assault rifle.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/11/06
“I once lent some money to a close friend who needed to pay for an eye operation for his grandmother. I never saw him again, but his grandmother had a lot of nice stuff that sold well.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
"You can't spell consent without CON, baby!"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"You want to put me in jail, copper? You'll have to arrest me first."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"This smacks of a cover up, I want to ogle the milky white thighs of truth."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Disappointment in Others“I hired you expecting amusing incompetence; but you're just mean.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “The surly aggressiveness of the average meat pie is in large part responsible for the retarded nature of human society.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “He’s a writer so tardy he bought the deadline back to life.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 "I'd tip my hat, but it gave me terrible service."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06
"And to think, I was going to sponsor your work visa."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements – Disappointment in Self “I thought I was a contender, turns out I'm just an idiot, and a stupid one at that.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “For me to say you are asinine would be overstating my point – that I don’t know what asinine means.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
“Modelling comes naturally to me, unfortunately they’re model trains."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
"I was a fool to ever be this stupid."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements – Economics“Rent seeking behaviour would be a much nicer concept if it really did describe the actions of an industrious landlord.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 “A hedge fund manager uses their investor's idiocy to hedge against their own incompetence.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07
“A well regulated derivatives market is all that separates Mankind from the Great Ape.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Ethics“Pirated movies are a social good equal to free healthcare or the nuclear family.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 30/05/07 “Any ethics textbook is just a high-minded version of 'How to Pick Up Slutty Broads'.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “Virtue isn't really something that can be learnt. Bought maybe, or even stolen, but never learnt."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 "Ethics are one of life's mysteries. Or, more correctly, one of life's stupid, pointless mysteries that divert us from important stuff, like street boxing."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Family “A family is like a ship made of fish crewed by a horde of hungry cats.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/10/07 “Sitting down for a family breakfast is the best reminder of why you leave the house every day.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/07/07 “Pain is like a randy uncle; I don't want it in my body.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 “Parenting is a lot like driving a bus; bad execution can be disastorous, but since you won't be the one getting hit you'd rather pay some chump minimum wage to do it for you.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Fashion“My greatest design challenge is feminising today's titless, robotic man-woman.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07
“If you get murdered and shit yourself, these pants will arrange the poo into the name of the murderer.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07
“Since the invention of sunscreen, technically no clothes have a functional basis.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 "Well-polished shoes, a snappy tie, and a mustache Saddam would kill for are no substitute for wearing pants in mixed company."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 "You should see my damp trousers."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Historical“Foolish thoughts often escape the loosely guarded mouth.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07 “If victors traditionally write history books, should everyone be allowed to edit Wikipedia?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 ”Being written out of history sounds worse than it really is.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 31/03/07 “The main purpose of historical study is to provide bullet point examples for management books.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/03/07 “In many ways the defeat of Hitler in 1945 by the combined Allied nations is a metaphor for my successful trip to the supermarket last night.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 “History won't be kind to a retard like you.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 “Humankind has had a constant struggle to climb out of savagery, to turn away from war and violence, but things are getting better. Pity we all are still so fucking Emo though.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 10/11/06
"Victoria was a fine queen, and a devoted mother but that doesn't mean I have to like her"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements – Marriage Proposals “Let's get married before all the pollutants in the water give me ovaries.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 “When I arranged this romantic dinner in the dojo I hadn’t realised that martial and marital were different words. The protective cup soup bowls don’t seem so magical any more.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “If you marry me I’ll stop doing that thing with the plunger and start doing it with the mop. Okay, honey?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"Your FIRED....Marry me!"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements – Nature “Animals should be arranged into genus by the calibre of rifle needed to kill them.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 “A man cannot fight the ocean when the ocean isn't a metaphor for his soul; he can merely pollute it.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 “A freshly sharpened axe, a litre of whiskey and a red crayon will make quick work of even the most reluctant of trees.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
“Oil has been called black gold, but last time I checked black wasn't shiny yellow.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
"Geese are very smart creatures. No one wants to kill a creature with such a silly name, it's like killing a man called Lanley."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 "I was looking at a rainbow yesterday, and I realised that nature is really fucking fruity."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Olfactory “No smell is more depressing than a fat woman wearing a celebrity's perfume.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 “Hidden beneath the acidic brutality of the vomit was the smell of a revolutionary food combination that had never been attempted outside of a man's stomach.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 "That smell is partly my fault, partly the fault of the madman who grafted a baboon's colon onto my neck."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
“The sweet tang of fresh urine greeted my waking nostrils, a welcome friend in my times of need.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements – Personality Traits
“His lack of confidence is justified by his idiocy.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 “If we could view your brain as you blather on it would be much like watching a blind child playing Marble Madness.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07 “The best wedding gift we could get from Kyle is for him to not take a crap on the cake.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
"I'll tell you this once, I don't repeat myself."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Physical
“Diving through a closed window brings a delicious sense of liberty and bleeding.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07 “Rarely have I seen such a set of proud buttocks!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07 "That girl was so hot, even I got Stockholm Syndrome, and I wasn't even kidnapped!"
Deposited by Root, 02/02/07 ”An open book is a convenient pleasure for those with fat fingers.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “An honest appraiser would find little to distinguish between a flag and Goatse. Happily for patriots everywhere the latter does not work well with flag poles.” Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07“I thought it meant something else, but the Priest said that us choir boys were the canticles.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 “The only thing he has to fall back on is his fat ass.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
"The Devil may have horned feet but that don't make him a player."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06
“You and rock salt have a lot in common, you are flaky, low in iodine and dissolve in my mouth.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/10/06
"A man should enjoy his bodily functions."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06
"If I had a dollar for every time I've been hugged by a man I'd be rich, and all snuggled out."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"The world is made of hugs."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"It's not the future yet."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Politics
“The one positive thing about being ruled by a God Emperor is the lack of stories about his home-life and how much he enjoys the national sport.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 “British politics can best be compared to a hungry goat. It looks cute and interesting but on closer inspection the bleating and endless appetite make you wish you'd stayed with the sheep.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07
“Cabinet governemt offers little potential for biting satire, unless your audience particularly enjoy references to wood turning and furniture.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07 “Proportional representation is the tight black leather pants of the democratic world. Sure they are hard to get into, but once on you can strut about feeling superior to everyone.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07
“Cuff links and a fine Egyptian shirt will get you further than a well written manisfesto.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07
“For your information; no, I don't care what kind of world my grandchildren inherit.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “Forget freedom of expression, the real money is in repression!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07
“Conspiracy theories are a great way of keeping people distracted from the real problems of life, like why dragon boat racing is so popular.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07
“Secret ballots means never having to say sorry.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07
“If parliament were a sport you'd be the guy with a note from his mother.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07
“We must unite to declare unending war on violence.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 “Just because Hitler came to power by the ballot box doesn’t means it’s good that we only got 1% of the vote.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
“First we had a troika, then we had a politburo, next thing you know every worker in the country will want to be in the Communist Party.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
“Glasnost was all about the Soviets, now I'm reclaiming the word for America!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"My second biggest mistake was entering politics. My third was choosing you as a running mate. My first is unrelated to this conversation."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Profound “To be cutting edge is glorious, to be the trendsetter is even gloriouser.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07 "Greed and arrogance will never get you into a situation that a hundred dollar bill and a slap on the ass won't get you out of."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “A TV without an aerial is a lot like a man without pants. There is always a reason why, just no one will ever remember the answer."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Relationships “Reward for long-term devotion is rarely timely or useful.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 “To keep things fresh, try using radically different facial expressions once in a while.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 “Honey, I lost a bet with Leroy that I could pull a rabbit out of a hat. On the bright side, you'll find that he's a very gentle lover.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 “I'm with Clinton on this one, the BEST way to a man's heart lies through fried chicken.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"Please don't mention this to my wife, she just doesn't get adultery."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Religion“Obvious displays of religious fervour are unseemly at best and are a sure sign of moral dependency. This of course is excepted if done in tattoo form on one's forehead.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07
Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Self Delusion“Drugs are steroids that help you lift the weight of the world.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 15/10/07 “I'm not being ironic; I really do like monekys, robots, and ninjas.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 "My broken jaw is merely an outward manifestation of my acceptance of universal moral law."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 02/04/07 “I find it an amusing commentary on mankind that people are so jealously repulsed by my amazingness.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “I like to give a woman’s vagina room to breathe during sex.”
Deposited by Gorly Shineheimer, 01/12/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Sex"Sometimes the best pick up line is cocaine."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “Even an orgy needs a three act structure.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07 “One man's perversity is another's sexy nightmare.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 31/03/07 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Social “In the popularity stakes, a cold passionless monster will always do badly against a frothing madman.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 15/10/07 “Judging a person by the paper they read is infinitely more satisfying in a place with more than one newspaper.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 “If we are really living in God's MMORPG, that would make you a gold farmer.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07
“Those who mingle on the edges of a cocktail party are like maggots feeding on an open wound.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 29/06/07
“The modern gentleman should be both witty yet crass, as one never knows when one may need to impress a low class piece of ass.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07 “Money isn't a problem when you have a loaded assault rifle, or rich parents.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07 ”A fine steak is in many ways like a child. Both are precious, and should not be encountered without a fine red wine.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 26/01/07 “I'm in the mood for starting a fight I know I can win.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07
“I am sure that many people do awful things with a heavy heart, regret tingeing their actions. But rarely does it actually stop them from being a bastard.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 “A well turned phrase, a cutting remark, a carefully timed barb disguised as a proper noun, these are the tools of a critic, or at least someone without a stabbing knife.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 “Stabbing people tends to alienate those who might be your friends.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 "Going one-up on a colleague or friend is one of life's smallest, but easiest pleasures."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06
"Try holding your sausage like you would a chocolate bar, it is not only convenient to the mouth, it also serves as a valuable visual aid while making a forceful point."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06
"The sexualisation of youth is one of those disturbing social trends that makes one really wonder about media and academic catch-phrases.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 10/11/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Travel“A tube of Pringles and a hot steam iron bring one as close to Nirvana as is possible in a bed sit.”
Deposited by Juan Incognit0, 29/06/07 “You're never quite as alone in this world as you are in an empty hotel.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “I have been rather disappointed by the consistent non-existence of the world's legendary monsters.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “It's something many travellers think but don't say; that it will be a sad day for dubious adventure when the last country signs strong human rights legislation.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 ‘A badly placed boil will ruin even the most pleasurable car journey.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06 Back to the category list
Observations & Statements - Workplace"Being in an office is like being a fetus in the womb with a hundred parasites sucking nutrients from your umbilical cord."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “After a while stale air conditioning start to leave a pleasing after taste.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07
Back to the category list
PUNS
Puns - Foreign Language Based“I got quite a shock when I removed Senor Rita's pants.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 "Ni Hao'bout them apples!"
Deposited by Root, 09/03/07
Back to the category list
PUT DOWNS
Put Downs - Animal Themed“Gazing upon your lazy visage makes me overwhelmingly think of how I would much rather be dipping my precious bits into a jar of honey guarded by an untrustworthy goat.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 “I've seen better looking birds betwixt my cat's teeth.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “Your opinion is like foul smelling water oxen, knee deep in the refined filth that is your hypocrisy and paternalism."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/03/07 “The company of the laziest of fat piglets lying happily in the sun near mother is far preferable to spending any more time with your person.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/03/07
Back to the category list
Put Downs - Blunt "You peaked in life when you were a sperm, meaning your finest achievement has been navigating your way about your mother's twat."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “Flattering an idiot makes for long hours at the mirror.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07 “I'm sure I've seen your portrait in a French gallery, you know, the one in the cave.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “You walk the way you talk; when you go too fast shit dribbles out."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 "I have three phones on my desk, none of which I want to talk to you on."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 “Someone call the plumber, my floater just drifted into the office.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“When you were born even Jesus said "There is no God".”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 28/09/06
“You ever see that guy who looks like an ugly gaylord? Go look in the mirror now”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 28/09/06
“I saw something that looked like you today...in the toilet bowl.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 28/09/06
“I met someone who sucked as much as you once. His name was Hitler.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06
“That perm is like an old man's pubes after he's pissed his Depends.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"If you were any lamer you'd only have one leg."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Put Downs – Droll
“Your mouth is like Holden Caulfied - over rated, slightly emo, and potentially violent."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07 “The other night while I idly practiced choking myself with your pillow, I reflected upon the futility of your life and the fine cotton of your sheets.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07 “You're so ugly, if you were an albino I'd paint my walls white.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 31/03/07 “Your erotic fiction submission makes me feel deeply sorry for your wife.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “I can lend you gloves if you find the weather cold or have the desire to beat yourself around the head like a frantic orangutan.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 “Don’t take this the wrong way, but did you come as a guest of Jane Goodall?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “Skin is the soul’s wallpaper; you look like a haunted house.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 “If your body is a temple, then I am going to sue you for blasphemy.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito. 10/11/06
“Your novel doesn’t so much have a story ark as a story wok.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“I once had to choose between reading your poetry or gagging to death on a platinum phallus. I don’t thank you for saving my life.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“I’d pay to have you killed, but I don’t carry small enough change.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
“The last time I met a man of your talents he was supping on offal from betwixt my dog’s teeth.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"I thought your father had already sunk as low as a man could, then he met your mother and you were conceived"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06
"Yours is a very topical comment, but I'll tell what else is topical - my excema cream."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/10/06
"For one so cold and calculating, you got a terrible score on this algebra test."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 09/10/06
"People only think you're high brow because you're going bald."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06
"In a more polite age, you sir, would have been known as an arsehat"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 28/09/06
“It may be true, sir, that you are a riddle wrapped in a mystery, shrouded in an enigma, but your wife is a transparent cow"
Deposited by Root, 28/09/06
"If Beauty is a state of mind, then Madam, you are a half wit."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"The word 'scoff' has two meaning'; one I do to your Doctoral thesis, the other I do to this slice of apple pie."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
“If mercy is a human emotion, then you sir, are a robot."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
“Sir, you may have a PHD in Funology, but I'd wager you have never spent an afternoon at the local library.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"I suggest you wear sunglasses, your eyes betray your lack of education."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Put Downs - Library Related “The day someone places a reserve on one of your books is the day your mother learns to read.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 15/10/07 “Your fingers may well flutter across the reference catalogue like little butterflies, but that does not give you a licence to massage.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 Back to the category list
Put Downs - Redundant“Now that I've beaten you within an inch of your life let me point out that that's also the length of your penis.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “Watching you grasp foolishly for a witty comeback to my masterful argument is a lot like watching a baboon debate George Bush about the merits of your mother. Both make good suggestions but neither is able to capitalise on that because they are too busy kissing each other. While naked, with you in the middle, like a sandwhich. Where you are the meat.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07 “Hey, Saloto. How does it feel to be dead? Bet it doesn't feel as good as boning your wife did when you were alive like I'm about to do.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “Your idea of debate is akin to watching a dog chase his own tail, oh, and you are a retard.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 Back to the category list
Put Downs - Temporarily Topical"You are like a US Bank in your fucking habits; you got in bed with too many sub primes and now you've infected everyone."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “Your sexual performance is as overhyped as the iPhone.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 29/06/07
Back to the category list
QUESTIONS
Questions - For the Guidance Counsellor
“Can job interviewers tell when I use sarcasm to hide my pitiful intelligence?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “Animal husbandry; which countries is that legal in?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07 “Other than working in government, is there a place for someone with wildly disparate interests and no ambition?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 26/01/07 “Does ‘early intervention education’ involve screaming the times tables at a pregnant woman’s stomach?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 Back to the category list
Questions - Political“Are there any segments of the populace that wouldn't look favourably on a video of me shooting rabid dogs with a pump action crossbow?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “Can you think of a better voting strategy than wiping your ass with the voting paper then picking the candidate not covered in poo?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 "If a chicken can have two wings why can't my political party?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Questions - Rhetorical “Are those pimples on your ass or have you been sitting in a collander full of butter?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 “How can it be that when you talk about transmission so far as it relates to electricity or ideas people are impressed, yet when I talk about fluid transmission I am judged lower than the lowliest street person?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 "Does having your photo taken steal your soul, or is just that someone actually steals your soul while you are looking at the camera?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 “If the nuclear family is the glue that holds society together, what does that make me?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"Are you hanging on the corner, or is the corner hanging on you?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
“Only two kind of people post letters these days, my grandmother and the tax department, which one are you?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Questions - Self Realisation“Striding down the footpath one day I decided that while I enjoyed going places I'd much rather have places come to me. Is that too much to ask?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07 “Is there a chance I'm not as cute as I think that wild-eyed street walker was saying I was through gobs of bloody regurgitate?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “Is an ugly meatsack in a sports car just an ugly meatsack moving at highly erotic speeds?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “Did you ever want something so bad that you got up and did something about it?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 Back to the category list
Questions - Snapping Others "Would you show me the clause in your employment contract that requires you to scratch your balls for five hours a day?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/08/07 “While every organisation wishes to inspire passion, may I ask you to refrain from rutting on my desk?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “Are you sure you didn't plagarise the report on the Atkins merger from some 12 year-old's Facebook?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/03/07 Back to the category list
Questions - Stupid“Would my wife like a copy of “The Foundation Trilogy” for her birthday?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “How could joining a gym for a hundred bucks a week not inspire me to lose weight?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “Victors may write history, but who writes email disclaimers?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 Back to the category list
RETORTS
Retorts - To Trite Cliches “A broken clock may well be correct twice a day but that doesn't make you Albert Fucking Einstein.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07 Back to the category list
SEX
Sex - Baffling "My love for you is like your love for yourself, except when I do it, it's not an act of masturbation.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06 “I can’t resist a lady who claps like a seal, just think what that skill can be used for!”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
"China may be morally wrong, but I’d still tap it."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06
“A shiny head, glimmering with the first summer's light will warm the heart of even the most fascist of hair lovers"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06 Back to the category list
Sex – Come Ons “You can scratch and sniff me.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 “Do you have any teabags? Would you like two?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07 "Are your hands playing over my body for a reason, or was this just another sexy mistake?"
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06
“You remind me of a rich tomato soup. Sweet, piping hot, and a pleasing shade of red. Now get over here so I can spoon you some more!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06
“I hope that is not a dog's nose pressed against my thigh!”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/11/06
“Would you like me to introduce myself to you over a drink or with you bent over a barrel?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06
"Though Mars may seem a long way from this bedroom, do not for a second think that the God of War doesn't approve of my actions."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 17/11/06
“I heard you in my conch this morning.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06
“I hope you like Italian food, because tonight I’m serving spermatozoa.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
"Damn bitch, I can't keep my eyes off your puppies."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
“In this scene I want you to imagine you are baby back in the womb, then a bat back in the womb, then a womb, then I will say ‘cut’, then I will get your pregnant. Capiche?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06
"Baby, I'd let you honey trap for me any day."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06
“Your mouth is like canned whipped cream - overly sweet yet very convenient”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/10/06
"Mush me like a snow dog."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"Don't bother giving me an MRI nurse, that not the sort of stroke I just had."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"Tickle my toes...you won't regret it."
Deposited by Finger_Of_DOOM, 20/09/06
"The dove may be the symbol of peace, but my symbol is the Greater Wood Cock. Now take off your pants."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"Will your dog get jealous if you pat me?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Sex - Disappointments “Do not think for a moment that my hand in your trousers is anything more than an honest attempt at finding parking metre change.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/08/07 "I’m sure I told you the film was by Eric Reamer, not Rohmer. Don’t leave, I got extra buttered popcorn for a reason.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have sex with a muscle woman?"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"The worst thing about this whole situation is that I, yet again, end up pantless and unfulfilled."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06
"Yes, my blind date was a model. But she didn't say she was a model for a diabetes campaign."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Sex - Pimping “I'm no pimp, but even I'd be tempted to take a business risk on your mother.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 30/05/07 “Hey buddy, feel like being a disease vector tonight?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“Foreigners are like dogs, you feed them, treat them nice, and maybe they will sit in your lap.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
“In my club we don’t play Russian Roulette, we play Russian Slots.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/10/06 Back to the category list
Sex – Rejections “What the hell makes you think I'd want to see you bouncing around naked?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “You may have a muffin top, but it doesn't mean I want to taste your blueberry.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “You in no way meet the sales description, baby. I'm returning you to the bar I found you in.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 28/09/06
“Understand this Brad, I don't sketch nude for you, I do it for the Art. oh, and occasionally for that guy across the road with the telescope.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
THREATS
Threats - Baffling
“Fair or not, I don't appreciate the tone of your face.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 03/08/07 “If father is a metaphor for daddy, then my fists are a metaphor for kicking your ass.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 24/03/07 “If looks could kill then I'd have a headache and you would need to visit an optometrist.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/03/07
“If the Average American Family was a corporation, we'd take it over and lay off most of the employees.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 16/03/07
“Someone once called me a monist. I didn’t really know what they meant by that so I broke their teeth. You could learn a lot from that.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 19/01/07 “When I see a policeman the first thing I think of is you. The second is a baton, and the third being me chasing the person I thought of first, while armed with the thing I thought of next.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 01/12/06 “Get back, or I’ll show you the parts of my body that made my doctor faint.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “Fuck off or I’ll fuck you off.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 “I don't need to make threats, I let my fists do the talking. Except in this case.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
“Don’t make me so angry that I shit myself.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"Don't tickle my ribs, Maxwell."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06
"I was going to kill you, but, hey I like your face. You're alright."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
Threats - Parenting
“If you don't fill your stomach up with vegetables, rats will dig their way in to sleep in the empty hole.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “Turn off the TV or I'll put it in the cupboard with Grandma's ghost.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “Either learn to eat ice cream wih some restraint or I'll have to mules your face.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 19/01/07 Back to the category list
Threats - Telecommunications “Your fighting skills are as overvalued as a 3G network.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/06/07 “Convergence is all about my fist hitting your face, and anyone who tells you differently is asking to be converged.”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 10/11/06
Back to the category list
Threats - Tough“I kill everyone I murder.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 30/05/07 “I just put on my kicking boots, and, well, I'd like to kick someone or thing. Maybe your thing?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 09/03/07 “I can see you're no chicken – so when I behead you, you won't have five frantic seconds to take your revenge.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 06/03/07 “I'm going to cut your jib the way I like it.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 27/02/07 “Sprakenzie fist?”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 02/02/07 “I’m going to intubate your throat and make you my milkshake.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 01/12/06 “I have already chosen the song to play when I tango in your blood.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 24/11/06 “Fatty, the only thing bypassing your gastric tract is this knife.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 17/11/06 “Ten years ago I tattooed your name on my elbow, today your face is gonna do some readin’.”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 10/11/06
“One more peep out of you and I’ll cut your beak off”
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 03/11/06
“Ever seen a dog without any legs try and run away? No? Well, how about a man?”
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 25/10/06
"One of us is leaving here in a casket: You!"
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 25/10/06
"I've climbed more mountains than you ever will, and just to be sure I'm going to break your legs."
Deposited by Juan Incognito, 16/10/06
"Either face facts or face fists."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06
"Oh, I'll tuck you in...into your casket."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 28/09/06 "Next person to look at me cockeyed gets a cock in the eye."
Deposited by Mandroid3000, 20/09/06 Back to the category list
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