Karate Party Productions 2006 Summer Release Schedule

Welcome Investors and Fans,

We here at Karate Party Productions (KPP) are pleased to present our slate of films that may take this summer’s box office by storm. Everyone will be talking about our line up of plucky go-getters. We just have to get the word out to the ‘mainstream’ media that the big studios aren’t the only game in town when it comes to amusing yourself during the vacation. So please, for the love of God, pass this link on. Do you know how much money we spent making these goddamn movies?

But let’s not get started on how the ‘left liberal’ media has ignored KPP, and get onto our line up of cinematic wonders.

Emalien

Opened June 2
Starring Kirsty Q and Bjorn Mundqvistunson
Directed by Omar Benitez

The most deadly computer virus of them all…is actually a sexy alien! A chilling sci-fi romance that explores the danger of high definition monitors.

Gross to date -  $235.00

A Stolen Kiss

Opens June 9
Starring Johhny T. and Britley Shiraz
Directed by Kyle T. Gorlax

Ever wondered where kisses go when they die? High School sweethearts Billy and Jane find out, in a delightful romp through Homecoming, the Prom, and a high school struck by a disease that make student’s lips decompose. Better kiss while you can, kids!

I Dropped the Soap

Opens June 16
Starring Marcel Donovan, Porky P
Directed by Q Lips

A fun-filled hip hop musical abut the slipperiest hands in lockdown. Director Q Lips has seen videos by all the hip hop greats, so he’s bound to know how to make a two-hour long narrative film.

Transformation!

Opens June 23
Directed by Porter Bubblehaus

In what is sure to be the documentary of the year, three young Republicans go undercover to find out if they can infiltrate the Liberal Establishment and bring a note of sanity to their unworldly discussions. You will laugh till it hurts!

Arrest That Dog!

Opens June 30
Starring George Hallman, Sussanah Kipping, and Horace as ‘Inspector Ruff’
Directed by Taylor Bole

Inspector Ruff, a noble police dog is cruelly framed by a drug ring. I.R. (as all the kids will be calling him) has to go on a quest to both clear his name and get revenge on the man who took him to the pound because he pissed the rug (I.R. knows for damn sure that bastard came home drunk and didn’t make it to the can). I.R.’s rage propels him through this charming family comedy about drugs and urine-soaked drinking binges.

Billy Crystal is THAT Girl!

Opens July 7
Starring Billy Crystal, Delbert Sawet, Manfred Banofredi
Directed by V

In an exciting new cinematic development Billy Crystal plays himself as he would have been if he were born female. Watch Billy negotiate the perils of life and boys in this visually stunning coming of age film. See the original Billy (in ghost form!) offer words of wisdom!

I Hate Your Guts, But I Love Your Ass

Opens July 14
Starring Tiarra Spice, Bobby Halloway
Directed by Morah Sharon

A saucy rom-com about the most unpleasant woman in the office, who all the guys want to date because she’s so incredibly hot. Check out our rom-com innovation of having a completely unlikeable female protagonist before the ‘studios’ copy it. We know you reading this and we will SUE YOUR ASS OFF. FUCKERS.

The Last Christmas

Opens July 21
Starring Kurt Weston with special guest star Carlton Noni as ‘God’
Directed by Kazazamekiel Wu

Henry Harrison is a devout father, brother, son, and friend of many, including many who are not of the Faith. Share his joyful experiences as he prepares his family and friends for their last Christmas meal before the Rapture comes. Be prepared for heart-tugging moments as Henry invites his heathen friends over for a last supper before they spend eternity in hellfire and brimstone. This is a moving portrayal of the dilemmas facing modern Christian men in the Last Days.

The Colossal Giant

Opens July 28
Starring Omar and Carol Jaquet
Directed by Philippe de Jardine

Can you say “big”? It’s not that hard. What is hard is the Colossal Giant (not hard to say, hard in that he’s tough). The Colossal Giant is so big that he wrecks the seaside resort of Summervale twice, gets killed and comes back twice, and uses the same line twice when bullets are bouncing off him (“I am a big man, hahaha”). Some say this is just padding, we say this is just padding, the writer says it’s designed repetition intended to underline the themes of the film.

Death Train

Opens August 4
Starring Lawrence Branford, Bohdanko Dymtrus
Directed by Olena Krystiyan

For the 200 passengers on the Quebec City - Windsor Express, this was to be just another day on the train. For Engineer Pierre O'Grady this will be the toughest day of his life, as he battles a force of Ukrainian Anti-Communists, who seek to divert the train to Detroit, and freedom! Who is the real criminal here? Find out what that question refers to in Death Train!

Chastity House

Opens August 11
Starring Barry Smith, Lucy Prince, Paul Brown, and Kimberly ‘Cupcakes’ Konte
Directed by Ezekiel Williams

Want the fun of Animal House without the irresponsibility? KPP’s Chastity House is family friendly teen entertainment. We follow five devout students as they attempt to make it through college without committing a sin. See them leave parties when underage drinking starts, picket family planning, and pray for deliverance from their raging hormones. Chastity House - because you’re at college to learn!

Seamus the Sheep

Opens August 18
Starring Lawrence Branford  and Bruno as ‘Seamus’
Directed by Taylor Bole

At a loss what to do with the children this summer? Why not take them to see the wacky adventures of Seamus the Long-Horned Sheep, as he travels through the Mid-West seeking adventure and a man strong enough to shear off his woolly coat for the hot summer! A surprisingly touching tale of intimacy, and a great metaphor about shedding your tough exterior so your feelings aren’t bottled up until they explode like a cheap wine. A message that every kid (i.e. even dumb ones) should be able to understand.

This Silent Earth

Opens August 25
Starring Earth
Directed by The Society of Lazarus

A 4 hour exploration of the beauty of our planet, Earth, filmed entirely without sound. No talking please.  This takes nature films to the next level, but without those annoying voice overs that other such pre-derivative films like March of the Penguins delight in.

So there they are. Thanks for viewing, thanks for investing, and thanks to Doyle Cartwright of Birmingham, AL for ringing his local dinner theatre and asking if they were getting The Colossal Giant. They said “No”, but it’s fans like Doyle that make theatrical booking much more likely. Thumbs up, Doyle.

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