TARZAN, THE APE MAN
* out of *****

Genres
Adventure
Romance

1981
Directed by
John Derek
Written by
Tom Rowe
Gary Goddard         
Cast
Bo Derek .... Jane Parker
Richard Harris .... James Parker
John Phillip Law .... Harry Holt
Miles O'Keeffe .... Tarzan
Akushula Selayah .... Africa
Steve Strong .... Ivory King
Maxime Philoe .... Riano
Leonard Bailey .... Feathers

Bo Derek used to be famous for being hot and getting nude. She does both in this film, where she plays Jane. Yet, despite her rampantly hot nudeness she is still a virgin. Jane has travelled to Africa and found her father James Parker who, I think, wants to protect her chastity from the super hunk Tarzan. The problem is, Richard Harris plays her father as the character I call the Unreadable Victorian Ranter. I don’t understand what he means, but his accent makes him sound like those fops they have in American infomercials for blenders; it’s easy to just assume he’s talking on a higher intellectual wavelength when he’s really saying that this will cut carrots quite well. James Parker throws tantrums. He’s an egomaniac. He probably quotes poetry when ordering roofing supplies. He may be smart, but he is also an obnoxious jerk who is in more of the film than Tarzan. But his daughter does get naked a lot.

Jane finds her father as he heads off on an expedition, and she joins him despite it being ‘no place for a woman’. They walk around Africa for a long time and meet no great dangers. Eventually they meet Tarzan, and we get about a year of watching the type of awkward courtship scenes which a good porn would get through with appropriate swiftness (Him: “You order the pepperoni with extra man meat?” Her: “Yes” Her friend: “Yes”). Bo pulls the innocent bug eyes a lot and acts like she’s a virgin. O’Keeffe plays Tarzan very realistically; he at no time looks like he knows what’s going on.

There is some the tacked on danger which allows for a scene of Bo Derek being cleaned between the legs by tribeswomen. There’s action which is all shown in slow motion. The action is quite crappy, so it may have been better by showing it sped up in a Keystone Kops style with “Yakety Sax” playing in the background.

Anyhow, below are three things which I place in a numbered list for no real reason. I must be brilliant like Richard Harris. So goes my list of three, storm the walls of Galilee:

1

It’s a bit disingenuous to even call this Tarzan, The Ape Man. Jane, The Human Female lacks flair, but is quite accurate. Walking, Ranting. Or maybe Keep Hitting the Snooze Button.

2

I am formulating a giant database that ranks the styles of action scene filming. One day it will tell film makers what technique to use if you’re filming an action scene in Taipei starring Bobcat Goldthwait and Pia Zadora; quick cutting on the action, slow pans of the skyline, and extreme close ups of concerned bystanders.

Here is what I got so far:

1. Filmed so you can actually follow – w/good action
2. Slow motion – w/good action
3. Filmed so you can actually follow – w/crappy action
4. Music video cuts – w/crappy aciton
5. Music video cuts – w/ good action (to render incomprehensible)
6. Filmed so you can actually follow – w/crappy action – w/Halle Berry playing basketball
7. Slow motion – w/non action – w/cross fading
8. Slow motion – w/non action
9. Slow motion – w/non action – w/cross fading – w/Miles O'Keeffe

Fyi, Tarzan, The Ape Man = 9. O'Keeffe and Derek wrestle an anaconda for about ten minutes. An anaconda is like a big penis. It's very erotic. 

3

The very last shot of Tarzan is a real surprise. It contains the rather shocking sight of a Chimpanzee leaning down and taking a suck on Bo Derek’s nipple. It took me so aback that it actually froze my mind for a few seconds. When I rebooted I realised I was now watching shots of scantily clad Derek and O’Keeffe ‘cavorting’ with an orangutan over the closing credits. I’m not certain what game the orangutan thought they were playing. There’s no nipple suck, but it’s still creepy. This film was directed by Bo Derek’s husband, by the way.

Question: Is this the first and only time an animal has sucked an actress’s nipple in a Hollywood studio film (this was distributed by MGM)? I’m sure I’d remember if I’d seen others. If you know of any, please post it so I can rent it and be shocked and outraged.

I’m also going to start a list called "Animal Scenes That Call For An Immediate Rewind". These are scenes involving animals where something unexpected happens that is violent, naively sexual or comical but doesn’t include death, penetration, or a talking horse.

So the scene in the operating cattle processing line from In a Year Of 13 Moons is out (incidentally, this scene cleared three quarters of the audience at the screening I was in). It was unexpected, but I was not asking the projectionist to show us the reel again as an encore. And Fun on the Farm, which I heard that someone’s brother’s friend watched at high school, is out as well.

My list so far is short, but here it is:

1 – A chimp grabbing a taste of Bo Derek’s nipple – Tarzan, The Ape Man
2 – Governor Schwarzenegger punching a camel in the face – Conan the Barbarian

End of numbered list

So, back to Tarzan…some last things. It was quite boring. If you want to see Bo Derek naked, then do a search for it. O’Keeffe is no Johnny Weissmuller, I should watch Tarzan and the Lost City to see if he’s even a Casper Van Dien. To get places in the jungle you need to walk. A frayed rope scene is the poor man’s insecure grappling hook scene.

Discuss this article on the forums. (2 posts)