NINJA DESTROYER
*1/2 out of *****

Genres
Action
Martial Arts
Ninjas

1986
Directed by
Godfrey Ho
Written by
AAV Creative Unit (based on a story by)
Benny Ho (story developed by)
Godfrey Ho (screenplay)
Cast
Stuart Smith
Bruce Baron        
Sorapong Chatri
Na Yen Na
Richard Berman
Timothy Nugent
Pedro Ernyes
Rick Jenkins
Roger Seller
Richard Chit
Peter Ramwa

Ninja Destroyer is just one in a series of around 40 ninja films directed by Godfrey Ho using a rubbish, yet strangely compulsive, template; scenes of Western actors playing ninjas are filmed then spliced into an existing, obscure Asian film. New dialogue is then dubbed in to make a seamless new film (this doesn't work). Ninja Destroyer uses a Thai action film about the battle to control an emerald mine on the Thai/Cambodian border. Occasionally a character will talk to one of the ninjas who is clearly in a completely different place (see picture). Watching this composite monstrity it’s hard not to shake your head and ask ‘Do they think we can’t see this?’. Yet Ho kept it up for over a decade, so I guess it worked in a business sense (a pretty dubious business, if you read this interview with Bruce Baron).

We open on two ninjas training in a quarry. They fire arrows at each other which collide tip-to-tip and fall harmlessly to the ground. Then they do some flips and stuff. Cut to an attack on the sort of thatch village that got built and razzed a thousand times in action films of the ‘80s. Some of these people are Cambodian rebels. The Thai Army comes along and explains that there’s an emerald mine the rebels want control of and this battle was just part of a larger campaign. The rebels also have a mine which can be harvested like a potato farm as the jewels grow right at the surface. If the rebels controlled both mines they coud buy more guns and stuff, and the border would turn into a war zone.

Incidentally, there’s an American ninja master named Michael in the area who is really tough. The Thai government enlists his ex-ally Byron (also a ninja) to stop him. The Cambodian rebel/ninja enemy storylines are as technically well integrated as they are logically. Michael (pictured with his three ninja friends) is a bit of a weird guy. He wears a ‘ninja’ headband and when he holds up a photo of Byron he says to his men in a rather tasty bit of Australian twang “That’s Byron. I suppose you’ve heard of him. He’s veeeeerrrry good”.

Meanwhile, in the other movie, people talk, change allegiances, and try to screw each other over. I couldn’t remember who was on whose side, or which ninja was meant to be on which side. I realised after about half an hour that actually trying to understand the plot would add nothing to my enjoyment of the film. Letting go was liberating, and with this new skill I expect I will start enjoying anime a lot more.

Enough about me, the real star of the movie is this plucky guy named Chester, who’s both trying to make a buck in the crazy Thai/Cambodian border area and work as an undercover agent (which sounds quite realistic). He steals jewels, plots with Byron, and tries to make cash from trading hostages (as he explains so eloquently: “If I take her with me I can probably make a few bucks out of it. That’s why I’m taking her with me”). He ends up with everyone after him thinking he’s on the other side in the fight for control of the emerald mines. Note: this is not as much fun as it sounds. All of his running and scheming and capering and innocent face-pulling looked so tiring, I was glad I’d stopped caring about the plot.

Eventually the movie wraps up with a big gun battle over the mine and then in an unrelated fight the two ninja match skills. I suppose both battles are resolved in the appropriate manner.

For your enjoyment, here is a transcript of the bad ass dialogue between Michael and Byron prior to that climactic ninja fight:

Byron: Michael.
Michael: You still look alright, Byron.
Byron: Thank you. You look alright too but you’ve changed completely.
Michael: It’s not your business. I don’t need your approval!
Byron: My mission is to stop you.
Michael: Get out of here now!!!

That’s about a third of it. The battle is pretty nifty. I found out that Byron can squeeze into a small circular shield and roll around. He’s veeeeerrrry good.

There are something like 40 Godfrey Ho ninja films like this. I wouldn’t bother hunting for this one, just get whatever you find at your local junk store. I think it’s good to have one on hand, whenever friends come over you can show them a clip. I’d go so far as to say that I dream of a world where everyone has their own Godfrey Ho ninja film and it’s plain good manners to show a scene to any house guests.

To conclude: Whatever the original movie was, it doesn’t really look too bad. Not great or good, but some of the action is okay and the actors seem reasonably engaging. I don’t care who runs the emerald mine, but I feel an odd sense of fondness for the whole saga. And even the Western actors playing the ninjas have their charms. For that reason Ninja Destroyer gets *1/2 stars instead of *.

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