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2nd Millennial Afterlife Compendium of Eternal Rest/Damnation

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2nd Millennial Afterlife Compendium of Eternal Rest/Damnation: With Apologies to Dante Aligheri (editor of 1st Millennial Edition), and also to the Reader.
Written by Little Alex [Clone 6655321]

The second compendium of standings in the afterlife is finally published, only five years behind schedule thanks to efficient database maintenance¹. The publishers would like to invite submissions for the 3rd edition, which will need to be received by Good Friday 2007 in order to be considered for publication sometime next millennium.

This Millen -nium	Last Millen- nium	Personage	Probable Location	Comments
A	Ω	God	Omnipresent	Still at the top after 5766 years.
Β	New entry	Pope John Paul II	Heaven: Arena of the Rose	Political manoeuvring by conservative Catholics sees JP II placed as a serious contender for the top spot, should it become available.
Ε	Δ	Dante & Beatrice	Heaven: Sphere of the Fixed Stars	What a lovely couple they would have made – but without her untimely death, we would lack the Commedia. Note that relatively poor performance of La Vita Nuova on Amazon.com has kept Dante locked out of the top two.
Η	Θ	T.S. Eliot	Purgatory Level V: The Prodigal	Dante: “…si lunga tratta / di gente, ch’io non averei credutto / che morte tanta n’avess disfatta”. [Inferno, III, 55-57] Eliot’s adaptation: “A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many / I had not thought death had undone so many.” [The Waste Land, I, 62-63] One comment: At least Dante’s poem rhymes.
Θ	New entry	Johnny Cash & Bob Dylan (pending)	Purgatory Level IV: The Slothful	Proof that while the Devil no longer has all the best tunes, he still demands a high standard of tone control when it comes to vocal delivery.
Λ	Μ	John Milton	Ante-Purgatory: The negligent	Suspicion that he may have supplied funding and/or logistical support for the Devil’s party (with or without knowing it) leaves J. Milton stranded in the lower reaches of the Antipodean mountainside.
Ξ	Ξ	Socrates	Hell: Limbo	Recently heard to comment that the unexamined afterlife is not worth afterliving.
Π	New entry	Mandroid 2999	Hell: Limbo	While Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man convinced us all that robots can have souls, the previous Mandroid model will have to wait in Limbo for the official review of the rules of the afterlife, due in 2010 (million) A.D.
Σ	Π	Robin Williams (pending)	Hell, 3rd circle: The Gluttons	Let’s face the facts: the pinnacle of his career was voicing the Genie in Aladdin. Will share this position with any critic who uses the lazy adjective “dark” to describe the latter roles of R.W.’s career.
Υ	Υ	Bertrand Russell	Hell, City of Dis: The Heretical	Continued publication of Why I am Not a Christian stifling chances of advancement.
Φ	Κ	Winston Peters (pending)	Hell, 9th Circle: Traitors	Coalition-forming antics in the wake of the 1996 N.Z. general election sees Winston replace Brutus in the top three traitors of all time, doomed to be gnawed throughout eternity in one of Satan’s maws. Chances of promotion: fair to excellent.
Ψ	Φ	Satan	Hell, 9th Circle	Apparently making plans that may translate to large gains in the near future. Watch this space.
Ω	Α	God	Omnipresent	While the rules state that only one entry is allowed per entity, we are under instruction to allow this exception.

1. Whereas the first edition was some 300 years behind schedule, due to Mr Aligheri having to conduct the research himself, on foot.

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