August 1891

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Compiled by Lord Hawkely Tappleton, under advisement of the editorial panel of the Gentleman Explorer’s Quaterly

We are delighted to welcome you back to our monthly rankings of the most influential players in the life and death game that is African exploration. There are two big themes this month; British Industry and Consumables, and the vagaries of the seasons. However, as we all know the former can overcome the latter.

For the British Empire knows no seasons!!!

Rank	Change	Last	Player	Comments
1	NC	1	Lion	No one thought it possible for lions to look more smug and self satisfied, but their continued domination of the list appears to have done precisely that.
2	-	NR	Plum Sauce	In a terrible accident, 27 of Britain’s finest were mortally wounded when a case of sun warmed plum sauce exploded in the midst of high tea on the banks of the dappled Limpopo. There was some debate about whether to attribute these deaths to Nature or Britain, but a compromise was eventually found in British Nature.
3	+ 1	4	Kurtz	Making money in Africa isn’t easy, but being a complete bastard helps.
4	+ 1	5	Tarzan	Turns out he is a Savage. Some might say there is a certain raw nobility about tearing a zombie withdoctor in half with one’s bare hands. Not us though, it is just not British.
5	- 3	2	Tsetse Fly	The finely woven nets of Liverpool have hit this lovable rapscallion hard. To see a plump, pink back and not be able to sup from it must indeed be a torment.
6	+ 7	13	Allan Quatermain	An unlikely tale of a time machine, and a saucy rendezvous with the fabulous Queen of Sheba have really set tongues a-wagging in Kensington Square.
7	- 1	6	Elephant	Trampling all the sugar cane into the ground is still pretty mean, and no one has to die!
8	- 1	7	Quinine	Sir William’s expedition left Luanda without any tonic water. Happily for the rest of us that was 6 months ago, and nothing has been heard since.
9	-	NR	Panther	When the travelling zoo visited Durban, Julie the Panther escaped. She seems a trifle lost and out of sorts, but that hasn’t stopped her going to town on the locals.
10	-	NR	Badly Loaded Martini-Henry Rifle	Guns are one tool that will make Africa British, that much we know. What is less commonly known is that loading a gun is not quite as easy as it looks.
11	- 1	10	Rhino	As well as being a powerful aphrodisiac, the horn of the rhino is sharp, very sharp, making a mockery of many a pith helmet and petticoat. Not quite enough to keep the rhino in the top ten though.
12	-	NR	Frederick Selous	A stunning lecture to the Royal Geographical Society on the pleasures of road building in lion country boosts Frederick into our list this month. Lets hope he can build on this momentum; perhaps we finally have someone capable of beating the lion for Britain?
13	- 2	11	Hyena	In a happy turn of events the filthy Hyena has dropped down two places. No one likes a chuckling maniac.
14	- 5	9	Cheetah	It has been said that speed kills, but sadly for the poor cheetah this isn’t enough to stop a slide down the ranks. Many people have begun talking about the cheetah in the past tense, and that is never a good sign.
15	NC	15	She	When She paid the editors a visit we felt it impolite to remove her from the list. Remember that ladies.
16	+ 2	18	Whistling Thorn	A sharp, stabbing pain and the pitter-patter of tiny feet convinced the editors that perhaps Whistling Thorn should stay one more month.
17	-	NR	Wild Dogs	The story of how the wild dogs learnt to run so fast is one of Africa’s enduring folk stories. Sadly for the villagers of Eastern Buganda and their precious goats, it turns out that it’s not just a story.
18	+ 2	20	Wild Date Palm	Ever tried to shelter from the burning sun under one of these alleged “trees”?
19	- 16	3	Malaria	Turns out that malaria is very much a seasonal performer and while cold shivers are the bane of many a stout-hearted Britisher, they are hardly deadly.
20	-	NR	No. 27 Engine - South African Railways	Since leaving the Northern England factory of Clyde and Struthers for the warm climes of Cape Province last year, No. 27 has tallied a succession of sleeping oxen, hyena, and one surprised Zebra. Just goes to show what British Industry can accomplish with 30 tonnes of the finest Sheffield steel and a broken steam whistle.

DROPPING OUT

Trader Horn and Queen Victoria – Much to the embarrassment of the Society of Gentleman Explorers, it has been revealed that Trader Horn did not rescue Queen Victoria from crocodiles. Our beloved Queen was resident in Balmoral at the time of this elaborate fraud. Apologises to Her Majesty, and a shaken fist at Mr. Horn.

Antelope and Buffalo – We suggest that they ask Mr. Charles Darwin about steps to take to cease being so regularly consumed.

Hamdryas Baboon – Their comical buffoonery has worn thin.

Leopard Tortoise – They are moving forward too slowly, and being overtaken by history.

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