Live a Barely Legal Life!
Written by Jiggy and Mandroid3000

We like to do things on the edge here at Karate Party.  So in honour of a publication that likes to feature models just over the edge of minorhood, Barely Legal (this site is R18 and not work safe!), we’ve decided to compile a list of 5 things you can do in New Zealand that give you the thrill of behaving Barely Legally but don’t involve photographing girls naked on their 18th birthday.

“Hang on!” I hear you say. “How can I possibly get the thrill of doing something Barely Legal without asking for ID cards from worryingly undeveloped girls?” Here’s five hot, but not-quite-forbidden, ways!

1.  Associate with unconvicted thieves!

It is an offence to habitually associate with a convicted thief in circumstances from which it can reasonably be inferred that the association is likely to lead to the commission of a crime involving dishonesty.  But is it an offence to associate with your friend who you know for sure stole your CD two years ago, but who nonetheless remains unconvicted? No. That is Barely Legal!

As you watch TV your friend passes you corn chips from his Barely Legal hands. Crinkling the bag, it sounds like a cell door closing. Biting into the first chip (letting some crumbs fall cheekily from your lips) you are filled with an outlaw’s thrill to be getting away with this; at any moment the police could arrest him for theft and within a year or so he may be on some sort of Periodic Detention. Yet here you sit, openly skirting just inside the rules. Thumbing your nose at Johnny Law, while you play video games with your Barely Legal associate. Who knew technical law abidance could be such an exquisite pleasure? Certainly not those strict Catholic parents you are rebelling against.

2.  Be in possession of cooking tools!

It is an offence to have in your possession any instrument capable of being used for burglary in circumstances that prima facie show an intention to use it for burglary.  So what if you happen to have in your possession a couple of ice picks, a jack hammer, and a kitchen knife?  If you can prove that the circumstances are such that you are gearing up to make a ice sculpture, and not rob your elderly neighbour then the possession of those tools would be Barely Legal!

So imagine the cheeky delight as you slip that Barely Legal ice pick from its leather pouch and pierce a block of ice only just frozen enough to be sculptable. An unvarnished block that yearns to be sculpted by your experienced hands. “Teach me,” it yearns. “Show me what I can be!” As your creation takes shape, you rub its smooth surfaces, so fresh, so innocent, so Barely Legal. With those tools you could have car jacked a pensioner. The thought is ecstasy. Mmmmmmm.

3.  Indecent exposure on reasonable grounds!

It is an offence to intentionally and obscenely expose any part of your genitals within view of any public place. But what if you could prove that you had reasonable grounds for believing that you would not be observed? Would that be an offence? No way! That would be Barely Legal!

Think of this delightful scenario. Your flaccid manhood (for to be aroused would risk being called “obscene”) flaps pathetically in the wind at some abandoned rocky outcrop. You are sure no one will happen by, yet you stand somewhat stunned at the place you have come to. The rockery has never been exposed to a man’s twang before, “Check this out you slutty rocks,” you try to think in a smarmy tone. Yet as you sigh, wondering when the thrill of this Barely Legal activity will kick in, you ask yourself what the hell you’re doing there.

4.  Walk away from a smouldering person!

It is an offence to walk away from any lighted, burning, or smouldering substance in the open air so as to cause a fire hazard in vegetation. But is it an offence to walk away from a smouldering person in any night club? This is so close to being an offence we think it should be classified as Barely Legal!

As you flee, the sprinkler system teases you with its torrents of cold water. Your fully clothed, Barely Legal body, is doused. Your nipples go hard as you Barely Legally thrust through the nearest egress. Outside you are surrounded by other Barely Legal escapees and cowards, all of you with clothes sticking like a wet tongue to your protruding, proud nipples. You are bad! You are surrounded by Barely Legal allies. You should try to talking to someone.

5.  Peeping or peering into a dwellinghouse during the day!

It is an offence to peep or peer into a dwellinghouse between the first hour after sunset and the last hour before sunrise. But what if it was one hour after sunrise?
You know for sure that is Barely Legal!

Sure, the erotic bounty is not so high, but it is more than made up with the quasi-but-technically-not-forbidden thrill of it. You may see the family cat, lolling on a leather settee that its not allowed to sit on when the family is home. Can you see the kitchen from the street? How about the refrigerator? Ooohhh yeah. That fridge might have milk in it.  Okay, go home, you’re being creepy now.

Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)