Juan’s Proposal to Improve Spam for the Benefit of Readers while Delivering Value to the Sender
Written by Juan Incognito

Spam email is an integral part of modern Digital Living. Everyday, billions of people check their email accounts to see what new offers or invitations to participate in fraud have been delivered. It is a communal experience, one that makes us all part of an angry global marketplace that would rather be doing something else with its time.

But we can’t. Spam has been growing year on year as a proportion of global email traffic, and estimates are that we will soon reach a point where 99% of email traffic is spam. Clearly government, corporate and vigilante attempts to combat this flood of spam have been ineffective. Spam is here to stay, and like an unwanted pregnancy we must all make do and love the child of our passion.

This sad fact emboldened Karate Party. If we must endure, let us at least do what we can to improve the quality of spam. No more shall we tolerate poorly written entreaties to buy cut price potency drugs, enlarge our penises through pills or ointments, buy cheap ink cartridges, take a course at the University of Phoenix or the like. No, we shall receive well written, engaging communications that while we still do not buy, we are amused or at least not scornful or reluctant to spend time reading.

That surely is a virtuous goal that we can all unite to enable.

Manners make the Man

A joy of the rapid adoption of email and the Internet is the growing informality of everyday written discourse. No more must one write formal letters to clients or grandmother, no, one can use slang, emoticons and totally forget the rules of punctuation. But for all the good this brings to society it does have one flaw, it removes the essential politeness that oils the wheels of commerce and social intercourse.

Maybe I do want to buy brand name products at low low prices, but maybe I do not. The spam email provider cannot be sure of this, but he has to try. So he does, and sends out millions of emails, often sending many to the same person. Now we do not begrudge this repetition, but it would be nice if our time was acknowledged.  I suggest that spam emailers therefore directly address this issue in their emails. This would greatly warm the relationship and no doubt lead both parties to think better of each other.

Catch-all closing apology

“My Friends, I seek only to aid you and your family/business in your life’s work through delivering my product or service to you. I sincerely hope that we can engage in successful commerce together, but regardless of that desired outcome I do acknowledge the effort you have spent through reading my offer and taking the time to think through the subtleties of the value proposition. I know we can make this work, and I know that you want a partner who can supply your needs and desire without fear of ill temper.”

Apology for repeated correspondence

“Modern business techniques demand that we make every attempt to ensure that as many people as possible learn about what we have to offer. This can mean that in fulfilling this moral duty we sometimes repeat our message, often many times to the same people. For this we are sorry, and we wish it could be another way. However, the tyranny of monopolists and choice removers seek to destroy our sacred Message and we must take measures to combat their evil machinations. This can mean that you, the innocent party in this eternal war may suffer, but we know that you are on the side of value and choice and we are deeply sorry for the inconvenience this may cause you.”

Confusing apology through metaphor

“Staring through the mists of time I perceived a ship, upon this ship lay a woman. Her body was still, her mind at peace. She was like the ship but not of the ship. I wondered about her. Should I disturb her peace if I knew things that she did not? Her eyes flared open suddenly. An invitation or something else? I had to know. I resolved to speak my words.”

Emotion made me do this

“I grieve that a lie passed between us, but I must do what I have to in order to get your attention. Regret does not make up for such an act but it is all that I can offer. That and a fantastic deal on XXX”

I am but a victim of circumstance, help set me free through Christian charity

“My children are so hungry, my wife in despair. Feeding the children is what I must do, and as the Bible states “to feed a child through theft is no sin”. Help me buy this bread.”

An amusing or engaging story makes up for a lot

It was of great surprise that I discovered many people respond well to a sales pitch based on humour or an engaging story. They still may not buy, but they would at least leave the experience with goodwill  or empathy towards the interloper, perhaps creating a future opportunity for sale. Failing that at least they had a good laugh. Spam emailers do not seem to understand this, and so we are inundated with boorishly staid requests for a commencement of commercial relations. If we must be spammed at least let us be entertained.

So how does one craft an engaging story? Well, that be an art that I cannot speak to, having long been known as an inept public speaker and dull conversation partner. Despite these flaws I can at least identify what interests people, and these are: Sex, health problems, tales of cunning or courage, despair and success. So if you can include one or more of those ingredients into a story perhaps a reader will want to talk money business.

Sexy Despair

“The windows shuddered and groaned as I lay quivering under the sheets, afraid, alone, lost. Why had they left me? What had I done to deserve my solitude? Then with a blast the windows blew open and I lay exposed, the sheets ripped away by the howling wind, my body cold, yet inviting. She/He came through the window, a small pink pill in his/her hand.

“I bring you salvation for a low, hot price. Do you take what I have to offer or do I return to the ether?” he/she asked me quietly. This pill he/she carried I put in my hand and swallowed.

A warm flush started in the very core of my being and I lost myself in the moment as we embraced, and all for a very reasonable price”

A Tale of Cunning

“The man walked down the street, his eyes downcast in the summer’s pale embrace, his shoulders hunched against an imaginary wind. A low whistle captured his attention. He stopped to look at the whistler, a young boy with a deck of cards and a quizzical smile.

“To what do I owe this attention” He asked gently, knowing already what would be said. The boy smiled back, indicating the cards with a cheeky grin.

The man slapped down a dollar bill and they began to play. Which card was the Ace and which the Queen? The man thought he knew and his finger indicated his choice. The boy looked troubled briefly then his eyes widened in shock “Oh my god! Kitties!” he shouted. The man turned quickly to see these kitties, and while distracted the cards were changed. When he returned his attention his choice lay exposed, it was a queen, and as the boy said “queens don’t pay you greens”

The man laughed quietly, he had been tricked, but he respected the attempt and knew not to challenge it. In the future he would confine his gambling to safe, secure online poker websites, where fairness was assured by companies he could trust"

My health is as a millstone around my neck

“To be in a sea of pain but without a ship, that is how I lived my life these past few years. My rudder gone, sold to the rich drug companies that so costed the value of my life. Who could I turn to? A message came one day, offering me brand name life giving drugs at incredibly low prices and I was intrigued, but where would I live? If only I had a mortgage with record low interest rates! Who can I turn to?”
Health, wealth and love?

“After a long struggle with cancer Jill was nearly destroyed mentally and financially. Her friends, family gone, dead. She was alone and in need of a miracle. Instead she found Salem, a former Treasury official from the last Somalian government. He had $5 million in a numbered Swiss account, and she had a Wells Fargo trading account. Just as Jill’s bank account was pleasured by Somalian gold, Salem was pleasured by Jill’s herbal potency pill fuelled lust. Two people, partners in love and commerce, brought together by a chance email.”

Strive for the correct use and application of the language of the reader

There are few things worse than receiving an earnest proposal that offers a glimmer of value but one is unable to really be sure because the writer has an incomplete knowledge of English. Now far be it for anyone to discriminate against those who do not speak English as well as you or I, but if we must be sold to, at least let it be in an understandable fashion.

It is understandable that a spam emailer must disguise his message to foil the conspiracy of those who seek to silence him, and that has been addressed, but there must be a balance. So turn on the spell checker, take the advice of the Grammar guide, carry a well thumbed dictionary. A well turned phrase with English pure and good will go a long way to build a professional relationship with your readership.

Do not rely on web based translators to extend the potential pool of investors, instead speak to your friend who teaches English at the local school. She shall no doubt be able to school your phraseology into something than delights and delivers to even the most pedantic of readers.

If mastering the intracacies of these wordsmithing tools is above you then this presents quite a dilemna, it may be possible that you are too stupid to be in the business of spam. However do not let this stop you, for we have crafted some examples that are sure to melt the heart of even the most xenophobic of readers through a well spoken yet discernibly foreign opening salutation:

Noble Barbarian Trader

“Valued foreigner,

I know not the subtleties of your fair language yet I hope this be not a barrier to the river of commerce I hope to flood into your gold purse. Let me be the foreign barge that sails to your port, laden with precious goods and spices from the East. Fill my pockets with your silver and gold coin in exchange. I may not have a map to navigate by, or the skills to read this hypothetical map, but this much I know you will enjoy the journey.

 Afterwards we will share meaningful gestures of good fellowship and satisfaction afterwards can you doubt?”

Poorly educated person that seeks to better himself through commerce

"Sir,

The Prophet once said that education is like a well trained oxen, a valuable partner in any enterprise. I know not the wisdom of his words since I sit in despair in this lowly shack, unable to afford an education, nor repair my broken fingers, twisted these many years by an undisclosed illness that I have not but the money to cure. I lie in earnest wait for your response to my proposal, a sale will mean deliverance in a spiritual and temporal sense, a denial will cast me to an early grave"

Disturbing offer that might mean well?

"Bloody death lies at my door. You are armed with weapons to save me? Turn your rich Western life into a shield that will protect the weak. Make me a Soldier in your army of rich living so that I can defend the weak also, like you will do with me? We are but Men lost, looking for salvation, salivate me, and I will be your sincere friend and helper. The sword may be beaten with a plough and the world claps in admiration at your generosity"

Some closing remarks

“Do no evil,” a wise man once proclaimed to his people. His words brief, but his message deep. Let this be the phrase that spam emailers have framed above their workstations or in their bustling Internet cafés. For if you treat the readers with respect and dignity we will visit upon you much happiness of the money kind. Our time is precious, as is yours. Do not seek to waste it with poorly thought out value propositions, do not make us grind our teeth with anger as we read another poorly written sales pitch. We know you are better than this. Make spam a source of joy not hatred.

Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)