Genetic Engineering: A Christmas Wish List
Written by Mandroid3000

Christmas is coming, and yet again the scientific community is letting us down in the gift department. Too many resources have been poured into gaming consoles that allow us to play nicely rendered versions of Rad Racer or DVDs of movies adapted from movies from the 1930s. What’s next, Science publishing a rewrite of "The Foundation of the General Theory of Relativity”? Enough!

Science (as opposed to Science) should try giving a decent Christmas gift to the world. Something new, exciting. Something that makes people say “I didn’t know I needed that until it broke into my house and ate the drapes.” (For the length of this article, please ignore the fact The Island of Dr. Moreau was written 110 years ago, thanks.)

Genetic engineering is mildly hot right now, but it’s being pitched almost solely as a cure for diseases. Note to scientists: When this was written, IGN’s Alexa web ranking was 200, WebMD's was 988. Conclusion: The mass of people care nearly five times as much about entertainment than health! You need to hook people on goodies. Then, after a year playing with them, no one will give a rat’s ass where the stem cells came from.

Your new motto should be: From the mainstream to the bloodstream.

This Christmas I want:

A self-greasing pig

Here’s a Catch-22: You want to grease up a pig for your summer hoe down (note: we are on the scientifically proven bottom of the planet, hence we get summer in winter). But you get half way through greasing it and you can’t get a grip on it to grease the other half.

Catch-23: Inserting some genes from the charming hagfish. Whenever you threaten the pig with tackling, it will evenly secrete a slippery grease from its pores. Fun fun fun!

Estimated project length: Could be done in an afternoon (maybe you’d have to work through dinner).

A bird that shits condiments

I occasionally eat my lunch in scenic Midland Park. Often the lunch is a bland concoction of hurriedly mashed up rice cakes and greying tuna from the back of the fridge. Such an unwholesome mix, like most expiring food, can be pulled off the Injured Reserve and thrown back on the field of play with the addition of rot-masking condiments.

An added note: Midland Park is the favoured sunny-day eating spot of many bureaucrats. Bureaucrats who hold funding purse strings. If you can make a flock of seagulls shit chutney on them, and you’ll be rolling in so much dough Max Plank will crawl out of his grave just to say “Yo! Represent, be-atch!”

Estimated project length: 2 days, + extra two hours for each additional condiment

A Cat With Tell-Tale Skin

Did you know cats eat all sorts of weird stuff and endangered birds? If cats were given the genes to get the super-sensitive skin of a frog, then whatever they ate could be seen in the pattern of their fur.

When they came back in the morning you could inspect them and say, “You’ve been eating white poo and Kiwi birds, Mr. Mittens! But damn, that tabby down the road. Sca-ore! No kibbles for you!”

Estimated project length: 3.564756 days

Inanimate Wombs

You keep a rooster in the back garden. It’s nice and plump. It would be good for dinner. But no, he’s not for eating. He’s your stud. Your dinner stud.

Science, you should try to make pre-mixed meal bases that could be impregnated by the animal you want to eat. The meal base then gives birth to the meal straight into the pan. Yummy and economical!

Estimated project length: 5 days + four hours for each additional meal (five if it involves pastrami)

Dogs With Exoskeletons

Science, just skip one morning tea break and mix genes from a beetle with those of a canine. How awesome would it be to take your dog to the park if he looked all bad ass with his bones outside his skin. He could kill any of those wallet-sized rat dogs with a head butt. You could walk through the tough parts of town and get some real respect. He would be a champion dog fighter like in that inspirational sports film Amores perros.

Estimated project length: 15 minutes

Dear Science. Don’t make me settle for an X-Box 360 and a copy of Madden XIXIXXXIXIIX this Christmas. Try and win the hearts of children (i.e. as well as me). One day they will be the undergraduates subsidising your research.

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