How to Keep It Real
Written by Mandroid3000 and Juan Incognito

You’ve struck it rich. From humble beginnings you’ve made your way to the top of the heap. Maybe you won the lottery, maybe you made several wise investments and foresighted deals, or maybe it was a hard fought battle against unspeakable adversity.

However you made it, money is no object any more. In these echelons of society reputation is the currency. But reputation is an eternally mutable force. If you belong to the new breed of rich who are rich but ‘real’ in accordance with the place from which they escaped with so much wide-eyed desperation, then you need to spend money on appropriate things to maintain your reputation.

To help those facing this dilemma, we present several ideas for purchases that will keep you “real” while still incurring a satisfying credit card bill.

Antique Cut Crystal
You may be able to buy reasonable vials at the thrift store, but instead keep an eye on the European auction scene for cut crystal from bankrupt royalty (just remember: no secret phone bids). Then keep your Rexona in it.

Home Wrestling Ring + Match Fees
You play the Vince McMahon role here. You can finally set the matches you’ve always wanted to see. Old friend vs old friend. Old girlfriend vs old diseased girlfriend. Hated celebrity vs. actual wrestler. The guy down on the corner who always yells at dogs vs. dogs.

Note: When watching, you should always have a Modigliani by your seat so you can smash it over someone’s head if the bout isn’t going the way you want.

Industrial Donut Equipment
Some rich people want fresh flowers placed around their mansion every day. Those people are only ‘keeping it real’ if they got rich through floristry or fine arts. Everyone else should hire a crew to have nice warm fresh donuts available around the clock.

Note: Rich people fire underlings for eating their food, even if its from a pile of 1500 soon-to-be-dumped donuts.

In-Home Shooting Range
If you buy a mansion you’ll probably have myriad under-utilised rooms. Utilise them with guns.

Plastic Surgery
Most people want subtle surgery. While they may tell everyone in the office highly unwelcome stories about the recovery process, they don’t want to look like a startled panther when all is said and done. They do not want people to know.

You do. For men: aim for a plastic finish which you will combine with fake tan. Think of a varnished wooden table. For women: the same for the face, but go for those old breast implants that looked like two volleyballs were somehow spiked through your ribcage.

Haunted Mansion Cube
Buy up all the haunted houses you can. Put them in a trash compactor. Put the cube out on the lawn. Invite friends over for beer and barbecue to watch the stupid ghosts haunt each other.

Book Binding
Get your favourite works of literature remade as timeless keepsakes to be treasured by your descendants. Here is a list of authors and our suggested modes of binding and embellishment:

Wilbur Smith
Cover: Moose hide
Paper: Wild silk
Ink: Hand-pressed gold leaf

Tom Clancy
Cover: Your own post-liposuctioning excess skin
Paper: Crepe paper blessed by 1000 nuns
Ink: Concentrated Fanta

Virginia Andrews
Cover: Platted cat whiskers
Paper: Bleached ancient papyrus
Ink: Blood of a five-legged goat

Your Childhood Home
Buy your crummy childhood home, then cover the whole thing in gold leaf and diamonds. Just so people don’t get the wrong idea say that it’s an example to the kids of what can be achieved through education.

Solve Mysteries of the Universe
In the days of grand adventure many rich didn’t stay idle; they threw themselves into noble and dangerous deeds to improve the knowledge of mankind. Here are some mysteries you might consider paying to have solved:

• What sort of music does the Yeti like?
• When seals are clapping do they know they’re clapping?
• What’s the best way to respond to “You’re not the boss of me” that doesn’t involve guns?
• How come everyone isn’t a vampire already?
  

An Idea For The End
As we mentioned in the introduction, reputation is the currency in the upper branches of society's Christmas tree. How you exit the crazy game called life could make you the angel on the top (eaten by pet python which then gets eaten by pet shark) or one of those scratched wooden soldiers that has a broken gun and gets hidden round the back by the curtains (eaten by pet canary).

For the ultimate, consider funding research into techniques of spontaneous combustion. If the research tells you how you can spontaneously combust, and you’re ready to bow out, try doing it at a cocktail party following the words, “Fuck y’all leeches, I’m out.”

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