THE VICTORIAN AFRICAN ADVENTURER’S MONTHLY RANKINGS
October 1891
Last month - Next month - Index Compiled by Lord Hawkely Tappleton, under advisement of the editorial panel of the Gentleman Explorer’s Quaterly
The moral dimensions of exploration and adventure have come to the fore this month. After several tragic fires in thatch missionary shacks, religious observance fell off precipitously. No sooner do angels step back than the demons rush in. Is it any coincidence that several of our heroes suffered setbacks and disappointments in the very month that Moral Turpitude took the top spot in our rankings? You don't need to ask the Archbishop of Canterbury for the clearly affirmative answer. But the Archbishop might not know if the mysterious visitors from the future, who seem intent on hammering moral messages into us, have the wisdom to correct the course of righteousnesses ship?
May the Lord or the chaps from the future save our souls!!! Rank | Change | Last | Player | Comments | | 1 | - | NR | | Sloth, hard drinking, failure to say bedtime prayers faithfully, and not tipping one’s hat to a lady have been identified as a leading cause of death this month.
| | 2 | + 15 | 17
| | The blood of many has enriched the sweet siren sound of the Whistling Thorn this month. Perhaps it is time we face reality and send only the tone deaf to Africa? | | 3 | + 1 | 4 | | The mighty King of the Jungle has faced down the twin evils of plum sauce and social revolution, and now stands ready to sup on the prostrate body of many a gentleman. In the metaphorical sense surely? | | 4 | - 1 | 3 | | A gentleman Kurtz will never be, but this much we can say without fear of contradiction: he has a mean temper and is easily offended.
| | 5
| + 3 | 8
| Badly Loaded Martini-Henry Rifle | There are stirrings of War, as the hungry eyes of Rhodes look north towards the fat cattle of Lobengula. We hear with some authority that said king has acquired a stock of Martini Henry ‘guns’ for his defence, which bodes ill for the young men of his mighty armies. | | 6
| NC
| 6
| | The name rolls off the tongue with a delicious shiver, we just wish the shivering would stop in a reasonable time. | | 7
| -
| NR
| Free State Railway Company | With the completion of the Vaal extension, the Free State Railway has thrown down a challenge to the bloody cattle guard of No.27 Engine. Who will win, the Pride of British Industry, or the hope of the Afrikaaner Nation? Please lock up your goats. | | 8
| + 3 | 11
| | Further investigation has discovered that the horn of the Rhino is indeed very sharp, and not a thing to be trifled with. Poor Sir Henry and his young wife! | | 9
| + 3 | 12
| | It seems where Rhino leads, Elephant must follow, therefore we must ask, are they just friends, or is there more to this relationship? Many a brave reporter has died trying to find this out. | | 10
| + 5 | 15
| | It is rumoured that some wag has dosed Selous’s boots with itching powder, which would account for his relentless striding across the plains of Southern Africa. This doesn’t really explain his bloodthirst though, nor his tactless comments while in Manica. | | 11
| -
| NR
| | The people of Durban played host to the dubious charms of the crew of the Federation Ship USS Voyager after a lazy scriptwriter decided to stage yet another time travel adventure on Earth. Poorly written dialogue and a thinly disguised morality play caused a riot where several crewmen were lynched.
| | 12
| - 7 | 5
| | The jungle is a finely tuned machine, with many different engines performing their sacred duty. However, where the sadist Hyena fits is still in question, a question our field reporter would like answered. He would also like his left leg back. | | 13
| - 3 | 10
| | Via powder or tonic? That is the question that must be asked! | | 14
| - 7
| 7
| | Not only did Tarzan not rid Africa of the Zombies, it turns out he may well have become one himself. Sadly for his ranking, his slow lurching is easily avoided by those who he seeks to eat. | | 15
| - 13 | 2
| | Assumptions can be deadly. Or at least we hope so, after it was discovered that Quatermain could not tell the difference between Fool’s Gold and the real stuff. The editor has promised to send Allan a badly loaded Martini-Henry. | | 16
| - 2 | 14
| | Writing from London we can but dream of the sweet liquor of this most sultry of the Palms.
| | 17
| - 8 | 9
| Thatch Missionary Chapels | After last month’s avalanche of chapel-related deaths, church and religion have been the last things on the minds of our explorers. Which brings us back to this month’s #1 place winner. | | 18
| - 2
| 16
| | Mr Baker’s strong views on the Sudan, and his vigorous letter writing campaign has not had the results he had hoped for, and aside from a few cutting comments and the occasional paper cut he has performed rather more like a paper tiger than a lion of Empire. | | 19
| - 1
| 18
| No.27 Engine - South African Railways | The London-Cape Town mail ship thankfully delivered a consignment of functioning steam whistles this month, one of which was installed on the Pride of Industry that is No.27 Engine. Sleepy cattle and gazelle everywhere can rest a little easier. | | 20
| -
| NR
| | The sickly stench of plum sauce is a taste of Home for many a weary explorer. It is a pity then that the wildlife of Africa has also developed a taste for this elixir in recent months, and many a safari camp breakfast has been enlivened by a slapdash tug of war between the cunning baboon and Cook. | DROPPING OUT Tsetse Fly - Scientific discovery has established that the Tsetse Fly is in fact innocent of the majority of crimes attributed to its good person. The real villain is moral turpitude!
She – What more can be said about her that could possibly redeem what cannot be redeemed?
Great White Shark – With no swimming club left, the shark sits idly in wait off Cape Town. Perhaps he may summer off Durban this year?
Wild Dogs – What can be said about these lazy hounds, except for “bah”, “begone” and “Not a patch on a bulldog!"
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