Concept:
Star Trek: South Beach chronicles James T. Kirk's early years as a Starfleet recruiter on South Beach, Florida. He shares a beach front bungalow with his fellow recruiter Hank Lazarus, and the pair have been responsible for a major increase in the babe ratio on board Starfleet's ships. Every episode feautres at least one celebrity guest and is directed by a big-name director.
Episodes:
The Pilot
Kirk and Lazarus meet up for the first time and move into a bungalow together. They start wandering the bikini rich beaches signing up recruits. But they come across the Klingon Jaer'k'off who is determined to thwart their recruitment drive by killing them. But when Kathy Ireland and her beach volleyball team teach Jaer'k'off how to play, his heart softens. He still tries to thwart their recruiting, but never again will he resort to violence.
Directed by Mike Nichols
Jetski Fever
Special guest star Corey Feldman recreates his role from the smash-hit film Meatballs 4. The cocky jet ski instructor tries poaching Starfleet recruits for his summer camp. Lazarus, coached by former Jet ski champ Petey Sweetback and the drunken James Kirk, has to beat Feldman in a race to win the recruit's hearts.
Directed by Ivan Reitman
Kirk vs. Cuba
Florida is attacked by Mecha Fidel Castro, piloted by the lovely Rosarita Sanchez. While Lazarus, flying a plane made of swizzle sticks and bottles caps, wages a futile battle with the mech, Kirk woos the lovely pilot. Smitten, she stops flying the mech, lands on the beach and makes sweet love to Kirk. Kirk then has her deported and Starfleet keeps the robot for further study.
Special Guest Stars - Michelle Rodriguez as Rosarita Sanchez, and Jimmy Smits as Mecha Fidel Castro.
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Lazarus vs. The Cuban Lobby
While Kirk sleeps off his passionate lovemaking Lazarus engages in a debate with some drunken Cuban dockworkers. They argue about the compatibility of Castro-bashing and the seemingly communist manifesto of Starfleet.
Special Guest Stars - Edward James Olmos and Steve Guttenberg
Directed by Oliver Stone
Open Mike Night at the Thirsty Thong
Special guest stars Bobcat Goldthwait and Carrot Top come to the aid of Starfleet by using their comedy skills to encourage recruits. But the Klingon Jaer'k'off holds his own comedy night, with embarrassing results.
Directed by Harold Ramis
Double Duty
Kirk and Lazarus really want to go to the upcoming Pearl Jam concert, but they can't afford the tickets on their measly Starfleet salary. So they open a house of ill repute in their bungalow. Hilarious complications ensue when their landlord, special guest star Christopher Walken, starts murdering the "ladies".
Special Guest Stars - Eddie Vedder as Tennessee Slim, and Tom Waits as Eddie Vedder.
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Haunted Holodeck
Kirk and Lazarus have to move out of their bungalow for a night to get the blood cleaned up. Lazarus tells Kirk that, after buying Pearl Jam tickets, the only place they can afford to sleep for the night is spooky Bloodstone Manor. But what Kirk doesn't know is that Lazarus dragged him into the holodeck while he was asleep and the whole thing is an elaborate prank.
Special Guest Star - Neve Campbell as Headless Millie McMinster.
Directed by Wes Craven
The Keys in the Dog
Lazarus is hit by a ray that makes him see dead animals. Kirk takes him to the Pet Cemetery to find the dog that swallowed his keys. With the keys found, Kirk reveals that he's owned a hot rod the whole time, but just hasn't been able to drive it. He takes Lazarus for a drive, but crashes the car. Lazarus loses his powers and Kirk loses his hot rod.
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Ho-Ho-Holodeck the Halls
Kirk and Lazarus teach Jaer'k'off the magic of Christmas through a series of treacly holodeck adventures. Several scenes are animated in the hideous style of director Zemeckis' Polar Express.
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Kirk's Gut Pain
Kirk bursts his appendix. Lazarus rushes him to the hospital, where they find a hectic emergency room with myriad dramas unfolding. Uninterested, Lazarus takes a walk through Chinatown and eats a delicious meal alone. He returns to the hospital to find Kirk recovered and romping with nurses.
Special Guest Stars - Michael Douglas as Man With Pen Knife in Throat, and Daniel Day-Lewis as Intense Doctor Malletto
Directed by Michael Crichton
Sex and the City Crossover Special
The girls take turns at being intrigued and disgusted by Kirk. Lazarus and Jaer'k'off try to form a barbershop quartet but have trouble find the other two members until Mark Kate and Ashley Olsen come along.
Special Guest Star - Steve Martin as Polished Troubadour #3
Directed by David Mamet
The Boss' Visit
Kirk and Lazarus have to do an intense bout of sign ups when they hear the Inspector is coming to check up on them. But, to their relief, the Inspector is more interested in babes and beer. Meanwhile stenographer De Niro visits the pound and delivers an impassioned plea for dog neutering.
Special Guest Stars - Al Pacino as the Inspector, and Robert De Niro as the Inspector's Stenographer
Directed by Martin Scorsese
Hungry Shark Panic
A robot super shark, created by the Cubans, starts eating beach goers. Splicing together components from Mecha Fidel Castro, Lazarus is able to hook their computer up to override the Cuban's control. They find that the eaten swimmers are alive and well inside, and that the shark is manned by Cuban military personnel. Kirk makes love to the ladies, then has them all deported.
Directed by Renny Harlin
Aimless
Kirk befriends a lonely young girl who is trapped in a loveless marriage and doesn't know what she wants with her life. They romp around all the hot spots of South Beach. He makes love to her under the stars, then signs her on to a garbage scow. Meanwhile Lazarus gets lost in a cave while looking for pirate's treasure.
Special Guest Star - Christina Ricci as the aimless girl.
Directed by Sofia Copolla
It Happened Right Here
Lazarus, tired of Kirk's constant partying, joins a Gang War Recreationist Society. Kirk decides to learn about the indigenous music of the Florida area. Jaer'k'off learns the beauty of the American Flag.
Special Guest Star - Ice Cube.
Directed by Michael Cimino
Happy Holidays
After blowing all their money, the only place Kirk, Lazarus, Jaer'k'off, Petey Sweetback, and Intense Doctor Malletto can afford to go on holiday is a trailer park in Hurricane Alley, Nebraska. Their trailer is sucked into a twister, and it drops them right in Leonardo Di Caprio's swimming pool. Leo's have a party and invites them to join.
Special Guest Star - Woody Allen as Clumsy Waiter #7
