101 Reasons the 30's Ruled

Written by Mandroid3000

Recently the E! Channel presented a riveting multipart infotainment spectacular called 101 Reasons the 90's Ruled. (That was in 2004, nice timeliness – Ed.)

I, having been alive and largely lucid through that decade, can confirm that the 90's really were so lame that it was fully justified for E! to include the Macarena, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and Susan Powter on the list.

As a flipside to the peace and prosperity of the 90's, the 1930's were lousy. War was looming. The economic conditions were brutal, the Nazis rose to power, Fascism and Stalinism gained considerable influence, and racism was rampant and systemitised in many parts of the world. The decade sucked to live in. But it also ruled, okay maybe not ruled. It also had these 101 things going for it:

101 – The first appearance of The Lone Ranger.

100 – Business leaders, refreshingly, didn't even pretend to give a crap about the common man.

99 – Radio City Music Hall opened and showed movies and the famous Rockettes (who are “precision dancers”, as if ballet was just a bunch of sloppy flailing about).

98 – Zippers became widespread beacuse buttons were too expensive!

97 – Walt Disney Animation Studios founded, immediately begins the 70 Year Master Plan that culminates in the Direct-to-DVD Cinderella: A Twist in Time.

96 – George and Ladislav Biro invented the biro.

95 – The “Chain-Mail Frenzy” of 1935; essentially a dime-based pyrmaid scheme, which was good for a few laughs. Not if you were in the postal service though.

94 – The Zoot Suit. The Zoot Suit Riots took place in the 1940s and did not rule.

93 – The Viking colony of Brattahlíð was excavated.

92 – A book with literature's greatest title, “Honey in the Horn”, won the Pulitzer Prize.

91 – The Raman effect had nothing to do with crappy instant noodles.

90 – The Writers Guild of America was founded. Directors started using “A Film By” in the credits despite this.

89 – The Great Depression didn't refer to emos.

88 – For economical reasons mincemeat became popular, and now everyone can make nachos and hamburgers and fried mince surprise.

87 – You could send a letter by air mail for the first time. Cost more to put a dime in with it.

86 – The goldfish swallowing craze began at Harvard.

85 – Every man wore a hat. That didn't have a baseball team logo on it.

84 – Emergency telephone numbers were introduced.

83 – People still got guillotined in France.

82 – Frozen foods for the home. Convenience food and heart attacks still to come.

81 – Without sophisticated plastic surgery there was a preponderance of hags, crones, and witches.

80 – Crappy photography meant everyone looked classy. Even those above.

79 – The Winter and Summer Olympics were in the same year; people got a three year break from that unbearable 'We Are the World' crap.

78 – There was an 80% occupancy of spooky European castles by spooky, possibly undead, possibly gay, European noblemen.

77 – Radio had mystery plays and comedy shows, not shrill DJs and endless dub music.

76 – Airline stewardesses were invented.

75 – Flame wars were carried out in literary journals.

74 – Being an adult meant being an alcoholic.

73 – A man could wear a suit without being asked what the occasion was.

72 – The Village Vanguard opened.

71 – The Empire State Building was completed.

70 – Attending fairs was a genuinely popular past time. Carnies existed and were feared by all.

69 – Sub-atomic neutrons were discovered.

68 – You could exploit the little man without some busybody film school student putting it on YouTube.

67 – People cared about boxing.

66 – If you were a gangster you didn't sing songs about it. Though if a CD of Mobster Scat existed, I'd buy it. Here is my attempted transcription from my imagination: “Zobeda Rat-atata Me Out Bababadeeedada, Carve Wig-wig-dig-a-de-ga whiskers in your fay-fay-do-zay-fay-face.”

65 – Ragtag armies of children roamed the streets, playing stickball and picking pockets. And no one could afford cars! There's some drama.

64 – Popular musical entertainers often sang songs that weren't about themselves or their feelings.

63 – The hands down best way to kill someone was to organise a large party, cut the lights, then shoot them.

62 – A man could have a regular tailor, barber, haberdasher, and butler without being considered a foppish metrosexual.

61 – Positrons, discovered.

60 – You could still cut a small amount of slack to someone who believed in ghosts and spirit mediums.

59 – The American Rocket Society was founded.

58 – The Opthamology Society estimated that 87% of all glass eyes were cursed by Gypsies.

57 – Without video games people learned knife tricks, card tricks, and manual skills that helped win WWII.

56 – Socialists proclaimed the death of capitalism. ROFL

55 – You could grab a really, really crap meal at an automat.

54 – Technicolor was rolled out. Still looks nicer than digital.

53 – The first case was solved by Dick Tracy.

52 – People were aware that cocktails were stronger, and therefore more hardass, than beer.

51 – Making mindless lists of crap wasn't yet an acceptable form of humour writing. (It still isn't – Ed.).

50 – The chocolate chip cookie was invented. Obesity epidemic invented 70 years later.

49 – The combination of unemployed people and double-bill movies were the pioneering influences on the Double DVD Dole Day.

48 – If there was a wall, there was a craps game going on.

47 – Warner Brothers Animation Studios opened.

46 – Gangsters ruled the cities in their well-groomed, blood-stained, wise-cracking glory.

45 – The Green Hornet premiered.

44 – Being born in such a crap decade, and missing out on the Roaring Twenties, inspired Hugh Hefner to start Playboy.

43 – If you were rich, there were a lot of poor people to lord it over.

42 – The trampoline was invented. Colourful plaster casts followed soon after.

41 – Carlsbad Caverns National Park was founded, and had a good 70 year run before The Descent came out and no one wanted to go into a cave again.

40 – The first Soccer World Cup took place. 13 teams took part. 13? How the hell did that work?

39 – The University of Cambridge Computer Laboratory was founded.

38 – With no actual missions to space, film makers could make a believable prop out of plywood.

37 – Introducing: Conan the Barbarian.

36 – The first regular TV broadcasts started.

35 – First appearance of The Shadow.

34 – Prohibition lifted – leaving behind a fine legacy of skilled home brewers, speakeasies, and systemic corruption.

33 – American Gothic was painted; was not yet a cliché on horror DVD covers.

32 – The first Differential Analyzer was built. The idea was already 58 years old.

31 – The Phantom debuted.

30 – The Oscars were still held in hotel ballrooms. In 1930 Thomas Edison gave a talk afterwards.

29 – Superman first appeared in Action Comics #1.

28 – Helicopters, from Da Vinci's mind to reality.

27 – Stand up comedians used nothing but puns.

26 – Hats had to be tilted. A flat brim was the fashion equivalent of tucking in your jersey.

25 – Flash Gordon debuted.

24 – The first drive-in theatre opened. First tities groped therein.

23 – Some hot new words in the vernacular: dong, moxie, patsy, skid row, cojones, switcheroo, booby, guesstimate, cliff-hanger, hep-cat, moola, whanger, commie.

22 – Paperback books made cheap pulpy crap the dominant cultural art form.

21 – Welcomed to the world: Steve McQueen, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery, Gene Hackman, William Shatner, Pat Morita, Gene Wilder, John Saxon, Burt Reynolds, and David Carradine.

20 – Newsweek first published; had news in it.

19 – Wacky inventors claimed to have invented death rays. Now it's the military, and it just doesn't seem as much fun any more.

18 – Cary Grant appeared in 37 films.

17 – GQ and Esquire magazines founded.

16 – Nylon stockings invented.

15 – Batman shows up in Detctive Comics. Slam Bradley not amused.

14 – The first modern “sighting” of the Loch Ness Monster.

13 – Universal horror films.

12 – Constantinople's name was changed to Istanbul; inspires a catchy song. Persia also became Iran, but a catchy song has thus far failed to materialise.

11 – The Thin Man, the greatest film series in history, kicks off.

10 – DC and Marvel Comics established.

9 – Nerds didn't have pasttimes to sidetracked them, so actually learned science and discovered useful things.

8 – People actually believed Orson Welles 'War of the World' broadcast. Thank God, we live in a less gullible....oh, right. Don't worry.

7 – Art deco design resulted in bilding that people didn't want to demolish with mind dynamite within a day of creation (in comparison see design of the 70's, 80's 90's, and 00's).

6 – To solve a mystery you only needed wisecracks and a bad liver, not $50 million of forensic equipment.

5 – Nevada legalised gambling – a wise deicision that spawned the world's most daydreamed about city.

4 – The electric guitar was invented.

3 – Escape artists actually escaped from stuff, rather than staying in them for three weeks.

2 – No one went to nightclubs to hear someone play records on a Victoriola.

1 – Strippers had to be able to dance and sing showtunes.

Those 101 reasons are all well and good. But we all know that you don't "win" unless people say nice things about you on the internet. Will this list receive such a kind and witty endorsement as 101 Reasons the 90's Ruled: The Book got?

“Every page will make you say, "Dude, I totally remember that." Unless, of course, you are very, very young (or don't call people dude).”

That's from Simon & Shuster's, the book's publisher's, website. Neat.

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