Ten People We'd Like To See Haunted, and Why

Written by Juan Incognito 

Every day Karate Party sees and smells injustice in the world, wasted potential, and general all around emo angst. Now if we were 100 metres tall and made of steel with red laser eyes a few things would change, and fast, but till that happy day we have to indulge in thought games like this. So, failing our dreams of robot glory we’ve moved to more attainable goals, like what would it be like if a variety of famous people had ghost advisors to help them out? What a world we’d live in!

So meaningless hyperbole aside, Karate Party has undertaken to pair up globally important figures with the best possible ghost, based on scientific research.

Richard Gere

Widely celebrated for his titular role in Pretty Woman, Richard has run into some legal troubles in India recently with his unrestrained libido. Well, that may be stretching it a little since he just kissed a woman on stage, but clearly this man needs some sort of moral guardian in order that we, his people, keep receiving the golden treasures that are his movies.

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Mother Teresa.

Why? Popular in India for her good works, this Albanian expat was also a bright shining beacon for all those people that think old-fashioned morality never goes out of fashion. Richard, for all his good works, clearly needs a good dose of pre-Vatican Catholic morality. Besides, spiritual is spiritual right?

Michael Jackson

Jackson’s life would make a great Shakespearian play. The young hero raised high, then brought low by a fatal flaw that leaves him languishing in the dirt, despised by all. Except of course Shakespeare could have never ever thought up such a crazy family, turn of events, then the mystery conversion to Islam and possible bankruptcy. That stuff has to be seen to be believed.

Now you might say that this situation is perfectly fine, that you like reading about Michael’s crazy life. But not me. I know better. I know Michael is desperately seeking stability.

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Elvis (Vegas not Army)

Musicians need to stick together, and with all the fried chicken Elvis ate during his Vegas phase Michael will have trouble detaching himself from the King’s presence. Everywhere Michael goes, so will Elvis. Vegas Elvis was a man of maturity, he knew the best place to be was a place where one could get fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches on demand, and believe me, that ain’t Bahrain!

George W. Bush, Jr.

Poor George has been having a depressing time of late in what should be his time of glory time; being a lame duck, two-term president. Sadly the war in Iraq, the missing terrorists, the Democrats and those freaky Christian allies of his are all conspiring to seriously fuck with his head. This is no way to live, George.

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Boris Yeltsin

Boris was president of the largest country in the world during rather grim times for Mother Russia. He also had a war, troublesome opposition, robber barons and more! But did this keep him down? No, he always had a happy dance to display to the waiting cameras of the press. So what was his secret? Booze, lots of it, all the time. This is exactly the kind of moxy W needs. We’ve all read the stories of the fun loving guy W once was when he drank – and with the ghost of Boris whispering into his ear we’d soon see mad man Bush, life of the party, returned to our welcoming arms. 

Prince Charles

HRH Charles, the future King of the UK and Commonwealth, gets a bad rap in the press for his views on religion, organic food and nanotech. Which is good, never devalue the place of social pressure to ensure conformity. But if I must be saddled with this guy as my future sovereign I want a few changes made.

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Frank Sinatra

This guy was Chairman of the Board; a great singer, actor, respectful of authority - all in all, a real pillar of the community. Mess with him and you end up regretting it. With this type of style Charles could say all the weird and fruity things he wanted and get away with it. Those tabloids would soon learn who was boss with a bit of Vegas-style persuasion. Best of all, we could get rid of that shitty monarch’s Christmas address and replace it with smooth crooning. What’s not to like? 

Britney Spears

Where once stood a body and voice that dominated a generation now stands a solo mother/party girl who everyone either despises or feels sorry for. Truly a sad fall for a woman not yet 25. Where can she go from here? She isn’t smart enough to do the Madonna thing, nor talented enough to be a full time actor (although Crossroads had its moments (You mean when she was dancing in her underwear? - Ed.)). So what can we do with this embarrassment to Western culture?

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Ronald Reagan

What worked for a washed up actor in the 1960s might work for a washed up former teen idol in the '00s. Put Spears in respectable duds, feed her some lines and somehow beat into her a sense of dramatic pause and we got ourselves the perfect Republican antidote to Hilary Clinton in '12. Even if this doesn't work the way we planned there could be some scope for a Western buddy comedy. Reagan could be the cowboy, Britney the horse. Think about it.

The Pope

So being the God of Catholic’s representative on Earth is pretty much as good as one can get. Having a billion people hanging off you every word, or at least pretending to, must be the ultimate in ego stroking. So where to from here? Well Benedict could have a lot more fun with his role, what with being infallible and all. But after watching him with baited breath for a year now I have been deeply disappointed. It's all 'saint this guy', 'heresy that thing'. No lols to be found whatsoever. The world deserves better.

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Bill Hicks

Bitter, angry and inflammatory was Bill’s angle, and it made him a comedy genius. Sure he was an atheist, drug taker, smoker and alcoholic but that all contributed to the vitriol, as well as his death at a young age. So here we have a man famous for what basically was him delivering a series of judgmental statements in a humourous fashion. Just what the Pope needs. Can you imagine the power the One True Church would have if faith and humour synergised themselves?

Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart - Cook, Criminal, all around guru and prophet to millions of style-lacking drones (no offence). What could she possibly want or need? Perhaps someone to keep her on the straight and narrow – living such a perfect life clearly has its temptations, and we don’t want Martha to end up back at the Big House because things g0t a little too "real" back in the kitchen.

Suggest Ghost Advisor: Biggles

Pilot, mystery solver and hero of the British Empire and children everywhere, Biggles is everything a man should be, if only he were real. His eagle eye and strong sense of justice will be a great boon for Martha, if she thinks of succumbing to temptation again. Plus this could help Martha break into the valuable British Empire marketplace where she has been having trouble.

Kate Moss

Super models never grow old, they just disappear. Or so they should, in an ideal world where beauty is idolised. So what’s the deal with Kate? Kicking about, always in the gossip magazines, why it is just unseemly! Something must be done, and it must be done soon.

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Lord Byron

This guy wrote some poems, drank some alcohol and whored his way across Europe till he died young - no doubt due to his rich living - and for this people love him. Kate could learn a lot about from him, and hey, it's about time we had a new poet for the Anglosphere. The important part though is dying young and remembered.

Brian Tamaki

Every Western country has its own fundamentalist Christian nutter, and Brian is New Zealand’s. But while he has his own peculiar charms he does lack something. I fear the he will never scale the glories of Billy Graham or Pat Buchanan. Never will he have the ear of Prime Ministers, nor strut the stage of respectability. Why? Well he lacks class, despite his fancy suits and rich lifestyle. He needs a helping hand, and failing the Holy Spirit (never to late to go Catholic, Brian) helping out, well...

Suggested Ghost Advisor: Liberace

Liberace had style. Sure it wasn’t the type of style one could replicate easily, but being able to sing, play the piano and melt the hearts of a million housewives has to count for something right? I can just imagine the synergies between him and Tamaki. Sure the gay thing might put off Brian’s followers, but hey, a ghost is by default an asexual creature and you can’t catch AIDS via ectoplasm (I think). Besides, there is always Vegas if the churches of NZ prove inhospitable to Brian’s new style.

Gordon Brown

This is the man who pays for the luxuries that the British have grown to love, and who will soon be their glorious leader (once King Blair abdicates the throne to go off to the Crusades). Which begs the obvious question: how could we improve on such a man? He already is angry AND Scottish and, well, I'm almost out of ideas. Almost.

Suggest Ghost Advisor: Pre-2000 Gordon Brown

Once Gordon becomes PM he will have an awful temptation to go a little crazy in order to bury Blair’s legacy. While we can all sympathise with this desire, for the sake of the British taxpayer it would help if a fiscal conservative kept a tight rein on things. Selling the silver to impress the harlot down the road, while initially rewarding, doesn’t always make for sound financial wizardry.

So there you have it, a cast iron plan to make the world a better place. Don't thank us, just dare to believe in the magic of ghosts.