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1

+ 1

2

Recovering from their first run in with a trumped up intellectual, the lions came to terms with their inferiority by eating the faculty of The Limpopo International School.

2

+ 17

Before disappearing into her underground sanctuary she was heard to mutter “No grubby little mortal is getting in my skirt.” Why is it that an immortal is the only person with enough sense to flee the coming maelstrom?

3

-

NR

So the Mysterious Man From the Future (see #4) will award this baffling contraption to the man who can arrange a night of passion with She. This "laser" looks nice, but can it really blow a Rhino's head in half as promised?

4

-

NR

We don't know who he is, but we do know he has a nice gun and a hungry wang. As long as that Voyager Starship has nothing to do with him, he can have the run of the Continent.

5

-

NR

A trouble-making ninny, she has caused turmoil with her Women's Work Weekly magazine article “What Adventure?”. Detailing much lazing in the shade and frollicking with the natives, her writing sent many a fine man racing home to patch up his marriage. In typical busybody fashion, this occurred just as people on the continet, in the heart of the "adventure", stopped caring about Moral Turpitude. Bug off!

6

+ 8

14

Upon hearing of the laser gun/sex with She proposal the “fictional” adventurer extricated himself from a stringy pool of his own vomit, took a bath in the Nile (which included a vigorous wrestling match with an overmatched alligator), and declared “That broad'll drop her pants at the snap of me fingers” before bounding off into the desert.

7

- 1

6

His stooges claims that he's discovered a Lost World of dinosaurs and taught undead hordes of Gorillas to ride the T-Rexs. Is he Africa's new make believe story for scaring uppity children, or a real threat who may soon be the undead ruler of us all?

8

-

NR

The only thing that could have stopped the criss-crossing domination of the Free State Railway Company was some sort of botanical uprising. Some are saying they spotted a strange metallic man descending into the haunted caves outside of Maputo just after the first devastating "accident".

9

+ 8

17

As Africa turns to hell around him and his peers start to treat him as a lower class interloper, Freddy is said to be abandoning diplomacy. His exact words are “I'm out for meself now you twat-faced twits.”

10

+ 6

16

You know what they say about social climbers; you can't climb a ladder without spreading your legs. Yes, we are declaring these beasts Life Whores for siding with the dreaded Zombie Tarzan.

11

-

NR

The linguist disembarked in Monrovia hoping to gain an ear for African dialects and an ability to place any African's origins within 2 miles of their home. Rumour has it that he wants this information for more than intellectual curiosity....His achievements so far are little, but his sharp tounge reduced our correspondent to tears so we rank him 11th out of fear...

12

-

NR

Are they pleased that their Lost World was discovered? Do they like being ridden by undead primates? We're not going to go and ask them.

13

-

NR

This charlatess has been swanning about London and Algiers claiming all the social niceties reserved for the real deal. While we were overjoyed that the dubious French Colonel was conspiring with a fake, we wonder if this is the wretch who was trying to seduce this newsletter's editor? If so, he feels slightly deflated.

14

- 11

3

Their fall is entirely attributable to #8....though we should point out that they do have quite a lot of trains left.

15

- 14

1

This swine's problem is a lack of ambition. Who knows what giddy heights they could have scaled on the food chain after devouring the Winchester Cathedral's School Choir. But they refused to try and eat human adults, so they are back skulking around rotting carcasses.

16

- 7

9

This unappealing sour puss has had all his theories on the 'State of Nature' smashed to smithereens by the appearance of both the undead and the extinct. Being an intellectual he will, of course, not change his theories. Last we heard he was taking up arms to rid the continent of animals that should not exist.

17

- 13

4

With the Steam Punk Laser Gun arriving on the scene, will this semi-reliable Empire builder become a rusty museum piece? We think it's not too long before the two sides resort to combat to settle it.

18

-

NR

What makes this stowaway so powerful? He's carrying Smallpox and will cough on anyone who doesn't give him a fathing! Cover your mouths, gents!

19

+ 1

20

An Old Africa Hand informed us that this is in fact Prince Imhotep's sixth ressurection. He decuded from the Prince's demeanour that his majesty can't think of novel ways to terrorise the people of Cairo while reclaiming his lost love Princess Anck-es-en-Amon any more. He's even been reading the pulps for inspiration!

20

- 10

10

With so many threats looming, no one is in the mood to blame people for screwing like rabbits and descending into opium oblivion. Enjoy the free pass, lads!