TMNT: PIRATED CHINESE EDITION

Written by Mandroid3000

While I found this relaunch of the Ninja Turtles franchise a pleasing way to pass one quarter of an afternoon, the makers of the unofficial Chinese release were clearly not pleased with the film. With the power that comes with ripping off someone else's stuff, they have taken it upon themselves to rewrite the film as they saw fit.

They have greatly expanded the size of the cast, added intriguing subplots, and ramped up the non-existent sexual tension between Raphael and Casey Jones to the level of "existent". They also turned Michaelangelo from a fun-loving party dude into a psychotic, gibbering maniac.

The results of these changes are touching, thrilling, and confusing. Let me show you how they accomplished it.

New Characters

Most of these characters don't actually appear in this film - the Subtitlers have learnt from Sam Raimi's Spider-Man series; start seeding characters in the universe at the beginning, and sup on the sweet fruit in the sequels.

Translation: "Miss O'Neil"

Beauty Murder Special Teams

While we never see them, I imagine they're made up of disgruntled special teams players who start murdering quarterback's hot girlfriends. 

Translation: "I've got a shareholders meeting at ten, I'd rather miss it."

Latin-American Dole

The Neil brothers

Translation:  "We're going to lose the biggest client we have if you don't get down here."

Translation: "Don't do this Raph."

The Dance Council

You have no idea how much I wish they were in the film. I mean, it would be Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap all over again. For my money The Dance Council should be made up of the following: Liev Schreiber, Zooey Deschanel, Christopher Walken and Samuel L. Jackson, with Bruce Campbell as their coach.

 

Translation: "It's going to be quite a party."

Ruiao

Translation: "Leo."

Lona More

"As I read a book of forgotten lore, I heard the wind whisper Lona More, etc. & c. & c." 

Translation: "Leonardo."

Translation: "Think you own these rooftops?"

Though I'm not quite sure how he's a Grandpa if this is the case:

Translation: "You may have everyone else fooled, but you haven't fooled me, Raph."

Michaelangelo

Michaelangelo was shallow comedy relief. He has been significantly fleshed out.

Morose: 

Translation: "Why skate a half pipe..."

Robbed of all his wacky catchphrases: 

Translation: "Cowabunga"

Gleefully evil: 

Translation: "Leave it to the police."

Always fishing for complements: 

Translation: "Dudes, can it. Here comes Splinter."

The result is a fascinating portrait of the modern adolescent male.

Plot Improvements

From the very beginning of the adventure the brevity and clarity of the plot is enhanced, leaving breathing space for the new characters as well as added subplots. Just look at how a waffling plot introduction is cut down to its key elements:

Long-winded version: "The Warrior King was left to eternally walk the earth..."

This brevity allows for some serious levels of philosophical contemplation:

And new twists and turns are added. The "American" version has nothing quite this juicy in it:

Translation: "Friends you choose, but never your family."

And it doesn't have the saucy subplot where Karai has trouble getting action in the pants:

 

Translation: "Don't worry. They're impossible to miss."

There's even an exciting challenge that would be perfect for a montage set to Ninja Rap:

Translation: "You've been back for five minutes, now you're schooling us on your master plan."

To fit all this in it is, of course, it was necessary to play down the importance of key pieces of evidence from the "American" version:

While none of these new plot strands are developed to their full potential, none can deny that potential. What they do accomplish is the refocusing of the viewer's attention on the central romantic plot of the new film:

Raphael and Casey

The relationship is cleverly foreshadowing when a costumed Raphael "collars a stick up man". 

It then begins with an angst-ridldled rooftop rendezvous where, racked by doubts, they appeal to an off-screen General Musharaff for advice...

Translation: "What's this all about, Raph?"

...who promptly jumps off the roof, leaving them no closer to an answer:

Translation: "What's going on Raph?"

Raphael eventually makes a decision. He uses anger to disguise his heartache:

Translation: "The roof. You know what the roof is, don't ya?"

Casey, unable to accept this, drugs Raphael and gets ready for business:

Translation: "Who knows, these guys might be friendly."

After all is said and done, their encounter was not as satisfying as they'd hoped:

Translation: "Guess it comes from growing up with a house full of brothers."

Raphael feels a loss of innocence. He decides to return home to the other turtles:

 

Translation: "...being quitters ain't one of them."

But the other turtles aren't quite as supportive as he hoped, hence this plot-ending tantrum.

 

Translation: "Leo? Is it really you?"

Well Done 

The Chinese subtitlers have not only done a great job in stealing one of Hollywood's revenue streams, they've also invented a new technique of post-production film improvement. Hollywood studios could save money on expensive reshoots by just adding subtitles explaining what they wish was happening on screen.

Isn't this exactly the sort of innovation a loose intellectual property system is supposed to engender?