Forgotten Research from Varnerian College

Written by Norman Crayon

Varnerian College, situated on the sleepy shores of Lake Wikatowa, has been a centre of academic renown for near on three centuries. Unfortunately, the University is 350 years-old. In the last fifty years it has been subject to a catastrophic drop off in reputation as it transitions to its new status as a “party school”.

At a recent school jumble sale, Karate Party was able to obtain three truck loads of research materials which were being discarded to make room for a waterslide. These forgotten arcana, these works of mighty scholars of times past, are now housed in Karate Party's special Vault of Forgotten Lore (no, we will not tell you where it is).

As we work our way thought the Varnerian treasure trove we will be periodically presenting items of interest to the reading public.

The Folk Tales of Drazyzdontia

The Lurgs of Drazyzdontia were referred to in the antiquarian travel literature as a “banal, simple-minded people” who lived in a medium-sized corner of the Irol Ranges. Thus slandered, no scholar stooped to spend their academic capital on the study of their language or tales for over 1500 years.

In 1789 there was a brief academic trend for trashing the ancients. In this climate, Anthropology Masters student Corning Drewford was able to gain funding to visit the Lurgs and learn what he could of their folk tales.

Five years later he returned to Lake Wikatowa disillusioned, confused, and rickety. He took to drinking heavily in the long winter months as he vainly tried to mold his pitiful findings with some sort of coherence. He was often found in the corner booth in Sherringham's, reading and rereading his notes, stinking of plum moonshine and cursing the constant repitition of the same twenty tales that he was subjected to in his half decade of study (the Lurks believed only twenty tales could exist, so they refused to make up any more).

Drewford's paltry thesis was, like all Masters theses, filed amidst the library stacks and forgotten. Drewford died a biter academic failure (i.e. he gained tenure and taught the same introductory Anthropology course for 45 years). He was able to survive so long by “digging his diseased claws ino anything vibrant and alive, posioning them to feed himself” as one student feedback form phrased it.

The Lurgs were left to themselves until the opening of the Aluminium Smelter in Gikat in 1968, where it is said that even to this day they tell these twenty tales on the factory floor:

Muddy Treasures

In the Leek Forest of Southern Irol lies a vast mud puddle. Many a gold trinkets and boot has been lost within its murky folds. One night, after a heavy rainstorm had diluted the mud, a wastrel by the name of Bliggins donned a swimming suit and tried to dive for treasures. But a giant snake made out of boots told him to go away. Its tongue was made of braclets and it was most terrifying.

The Baying

In Pezryx Valley a strange baying was heard every night. It was one of Gorto's pigs stuck on a ledge.

You Cannot Climb the Strong Tree

In the Great Tree Woods of the North sits a very strong tree. A rumour was spread that the very strong tree was actually quite brittle. Urtzil, a burly man of some girth disputed this claim. “Strong tree is strong” said Urtzil. “I climb.” He climbed the tree and it didn't break. Everyone agreed that this in fact happened and the rumour was ammended.

Blood or Pay Coins

In the Rytag Road through the Maerd Forest a man once held a knife to a woman's throat. “Blood or pay coins,” he said.

“I pay coins,” she said.

New Turtle World

Dreppe was the only Lurg to ever travel outside of the Irol Ranges. He returned after one day, naked and afraid. He hid in a cave for twelve years. When he emerged he revealed that in the outside world he learned that we live on the back of a turtle. He didn't like this world, so while in the cave he found some turtles and was going to start new world on them. Many people agreed to join him but they instead squashed the turtles to death.

The Unanswerable Question

“Where does your money go when you die?” asked Rosequa.

“Bogged if I know,” answered Yurgyz the Wise.

The Crab Walker

An old lady one day scared the villagers of Lakkles by scuttling back and forth through the market like a crab. Maxo the Brave was roused from his hut to confront the beast. He demanded an explanation from her. “I have to walk like this. I smashed my hip on jagged rocks the other noon,” she said, scuttling away in a swift and impudent manner.

The Unextinguished Light

One night the people of Verzx House noticed that a garden lamp had not been extinguished. “Someone go outside and put it out,” was the cry echoed around the drowsy residence. But no one budged from their comfortable beds. Just as well, as Mindy the Younger reckons she saw a lion walking around outside.

Eyebrows of a Stranger

A pasty man once walked hurriedly through the streets of Gikat raising and lowering his eyebrows at an incredible rate.

From Whence This Rock?

Frewpious the Shrew was a neat and unpleasant woman. One day she found a small pebble in the centre of her pristine kitchen floor. She upbraided all residents of the village, but no explanation for its presence was ever discovered.

A Tale of Selling By No Teeth

On day a man with a yellow jacket and hairy chest entered the village of Lopaz. “I am an advertorial picturer,” he declared in a way similar to that of a drunken molestor. “I will pay you in sewing thread to get pictures of your most toothless residents.”

“But we all have excellent dental hygeine due to suckling on the Flurodated Pig Teat,” said their Village Elder, Manny.

After much wheeling and dealing two poor villagers agreed to have some of their teeth removed. They are said to regret this now as the thread was of poor quality.

The Muttulatrizyz

A great beast is said to live in Jarquar Bog called The Muttulatrizyz. There is not much more to this tale right now as no one has any reason to visit such an unpleasant and pestilent area.

The Super Jumper

Optart of Berzal could jump higher than any man in Drazyzdontia. There was no obvious use for this skill, so he invented a sporting contest in the hope that he could travel village to village earning coins for defeating local jumpers.

However, his repuatation for jumping preceeded him and no one could be found to partake in the contest. He became a fish monger.

The Ice Encroach

One winter was more cold than any other. For the first time ice coated the streets of Awi. It was quite inconvenient for the residents.

The Magic Chicken

Kalil Huzyz, Great Yurk of Drazyzdontia has a chicken that lays magic eggs. If you crack an egg into your pan a great whimsy will befall you household. He never lets anyone see this chicken, or have one of its eggs. He also has never told anyone of it. But it is said to the children that this Magic Chicken was the reason his house was always full of laughter, and not because it is a brothel.

Lucky!

Wholiard the Just was once nearly hit by a falling branch.

These Trees Aren't Trees

The people of Lopaz once tried to take over the village of Gikat by dressing as trees and making it look like Gikat was the forest, sending the Gikaters wandering about for years looking for their village. Ruiter, the High Costumer of Lopaz did a very half-hearted job on the leaves and thus the ruse failed.

Dirt Track

An unknown person carved a dirt track through the Sadre Mountains. That person didn't have permission to do that.

Punch Down

It is said that if you punch a certain soft piece of ground in the Leek Forest it is not hard on the knuckles at all.

A Witch and a Werewitch

Every full moon Ertoi turns into a witch and goes to fight other witches who are always witches. But next morning all is forgotten, despite evidence of a highly erotic battle.

Thank you, Corning Drewford. And thank us. For I'm sure that our publication of your findings will cause many a glass of plum moonshine to be raised in your honour around the reading tables of the internet inteligentsia this night.

Until next time, faithful readers...