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Star Trek - South Beach Season 4
Cliffhanger Redux
Kirk discovers his new owners are a group of single mothers that have united to form S.M.C.F.K. (Single Mothers of Children Fathered by Kirk). Years of neglecting his many offspring from the long list of women whom he’d had unprotected sex with is finally catching up with Kirk. He is immediately put to work caring for the 27 children he helped create. Meanwhile Lazarus forgot that the cliff hanger ending came and went but is still dancing and continues to do so throughout the episode unaware of Kirk's plight, until a helpful voiceover reminds him of his duties. Can Lazarus save Kirk from eternal damnation or will Lazarus be distracted by shiny metal objects and forget his mission? Special Guest Stars - Brittany Murphy as S.M.C.F.K group leader Tara Reid as solo mum #3 and #7 Camryn Manheim as solo mum #20 Kathy Bates as solo mum #2 The Barbi Twins as solo mums #9 and #10 Directed by Ivan Reitman
Cliffhanger Redux Redux
Lazarus dreams of baked goods, while Kirk frolics with a midget motorcycle gang. The group leader of S.M.C.F.K. is not who she claims to be, a talking gherkin reveals she’s actually Petey Sweetback. Jaer'k'off learns the true identity of his father, Evil Kirk, who is actually a mime that landed on the moon decades ago while playing the recorder with a feminist travelling marching band that only plays sold out venues to audiences of mute albino donkeys. Is this all a dream? What does it all mean? Does anyone actually care? Special Guest Stars - Warwick Davis as midget gang leader Chris Rock as the voice of the talking gherkin Directed by David Lynch
In the G-Hetto
When new recruit Betty Blushlips is blackmailed into running drugs for a gangsta, Kirk insists upon taking her place as the "mule". After all, who else can swallow 13 cocaine-filled condoms and then swim two miles? Also, Lazarus enters the Mr. Pectoral Pageant. The Commander-in-Chief of Starfleet is a judge, and he's got a guaranteed way for Lazarus to win. Special Guest Stars- Angelina Jolie as Betty Blushlips Busta Rhymes as The Gangsta Harry Shearer as The Commander-in-Chief of Star Fleet Directed by Bob Rafelson
Love, Native American Style
Kirk is distraught when his step-father, local Indian Chief Pokemon, passes on, and a local casino developer convinces the Kahonee Tribe to construct a casino on their land. Although the deal's crooked, Kirk is no Indian giver, and he seeks a legal way to halt construction. Also, Lazarus' South American relatives need money, so he moonlights as a male stripper, But he can't dance erotically so has to commission the help of Jaer'k'off to teach him the ways of the sensually violent form of Klingon strip-tease. New recruit Betty Blushlips and Stacy have a shower together and breakdance-wash each other for no reason at all. Special Guest Stars -
Floyd 'Red Crow' Westerman as Chief Pokemon Owen Wilson as local casino developer Angelina Jolie as Betty Blushlips Halle Berry as Stacy Directed by Kevin Costner
Two Thongs Don't Make a Right
A boy named Peter gets trapped in a hole when trying to spy on the local nude beach. The mayor comes under pressure from a morals group to clamp down on the wearing of thong bikinis. Lazarus reveals that the sanctimonious leader of this group is actually his estranged pet Mr. Winky. While attempting to make contact with Mr. Winky, Lazarus falls down the hole too and it’s up to Kirk and his unit to rescue Lazarus and Peter before the tide comes in. While in the hole Lazarus reminisces about his experience as a thong bikini model before joining Starfleet. Special Guest Stars - Dolph Lundgren as Peter Drew Carey as the Mayor Benji the Dog as Mr. Winkey Directed by Nick Hamm
The Professor
The Commander-in-Chief of Starfleet fires Kirk's unit and replaces them with gorgeous female recruits created by the evil Professor Diego Diego Delfuego. This twisted but brilliant ex-black ops agent, and buddy of Kirk's, was injured in a terrible donkey punching accident involving Kirk and excessive sun-cream. Now he's got it in for the whole Starfleet Academy. The sacking hits both Kirk and Lazarus hard and they take up the life of bums, living under their beloved pier. Until Stacy comes up with a plan that might just get the unit their jobs back and turn the tables on The Commander-in-Chief of Starfleet, the Professor and his army of robo-babe recruits. Special Guest Stars - Harry Shearer as The Commander-in-Chief of Starfleet Javier Bardem as Professor Diego Diego Delfuego Halle Berry as Stacy Lindsay Lohan as homeless woman #3 that Kirk sexually assaults Directed by Joel Hodgson
Miso Honei
Back in the 60s, Lazarus' dad died while surfing the tsunami-sized shore break known as Miso Honei. Now, Miso Honei is back and Lazarus must confront his fears and ride the big one in a surfing death-match with his arch-enemy, the satanic surfer Adolph Manson, in a battle to win the hearts and minds of the kids of South Beach. Meanwhile Kirk and the Intense Doctor Malletto play strip Jerry Springer. They pick sides and whenever an fight breaks that's instigated by the side they picked that person has to remove an article of clothing. The one who is naked first loses. Special Guest Stars - Daniel Day-Lewis as Intense Doctor Malletto
Hugh Grant as Adolph Manson Directed by John Stockwell
Light My Firebush
Petey Sweetback's step-dad Raymond is in town from Arkansas… and nobody loves Raymond. He's here to "git Petey. fer whut he done." When Ima Cummings-Sweetback (Petey's momma) shows up to warn him, you know there's going to be a lot of a-hooting and a-hollering! Also, Kirk's Native American half-sister, Firebush, joins a Swinger's club in which Kirk and her accidentally have sex with each other. And for some reason Jaer'k'off has trouble adapting to crazy white-man ways after befriending a group of uptight white boys from the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies Church of Jesus Christ and the Maybe Later Day Saints. Special Guest Stars - Peter Boyle as Raymond Phyllis Diller as Ima Cummings-Sweetback Mary McDonnell as Firebush Ray Romano as The Preacher of the Cherry Poppin Daddy's Church of Jesus Christ and the Maybe Later Day Saints Directed by Wes Anderson
Chip's a Goy
Needing some R&R, the gang heads to the tranquil Middle East. Their visit with Kirk's Israeli counterpart, Jebadiah Kirkmann is cut short when evil terrorist group HUMMUS kidnaps Kirk. Can Lazarus and the gang save their fearless leader, or will HUMMUS crush them like so many chickpeas? In the meantime, Fleet Admiral George Bukakke falls in love with Jebadiah's' daughter, Crotchlove Kirkmann, and agrees to convert to Judaism. He soon finds this means giving up much more than he bargained for. Special Guest Stars - Pauly Shore as Jebadiah Kirkmann Omar Sharif as the leader of HUMMUS Pat Morita as Fleet Admiral George Bukakke Sarah Jessica Parker as Crotchlove Kirkmann Directed by James Cameron
It's Showtime at Apollo 13!
History is being made as Phatty LaCross becomes the first black Starfleet Commander. Unbelievably, things on the U.S.S. Catastrophe go awry and Kirk must go undercover as a high school student to find a computer hacker who's threatening the entire mission. Will Kirk finger the teen before LaCross goes down? Meanwhile, Lazarus is on a one-man crusade to get people to like Germans. Special Guest Stars - Jay-Z as Phatty LaCross Frankie Muniz as high school student Directed by Michael Bay
The Big Bust
Kirk is distraught when he finds out his Native American half-sister, Firebush has become an adult film actress. When the gang realises she's being forced into 'performing,' they know only one thing can save her: a big bust. And who better to bust her out than Kirk, posing as adult film star Johnny Cum Lately. But when Kirk is captured, can Lazarus and the gang save him in time, or will Kirk get it in the end? Meanwhile the Mayor of South Beach knows the way to boost his career is through attending the Governor's Ball. He's been invited to attend one, but must resort to taking homeless man Chappy as his date. Special Guest Stars - Mary McDonnell as Firebush Drew Carey as the Mayor Clint Howard as Chappy Directed by P.T. Anderson
Penetration Island
Kirk and the gang are sent to the Island of Bulimia by TV executive Tex Finklestein to play "Penetration Island", where the grand prize is $1,000,000. While everyone is being tempted or seduced, Dirty Sanchez and his gang of Bulimians start killing the tempters and temptresses to get their island back. After being believed killed by everyone, Kirk and an escaped temptress Lucy Whole come to save the day as Dirty Sanchez is about to kill off the gang. Kirk is shot by Sanchez and his gang but the whole scene is revealed to all be scripted and that everyone is still alive. Kyle Gass as Tex Finklestein Roberto Benigni as Dirty Sanchez Amy Smart as Lucy Whole Directed by Joe Rogan
In the Line of Booty
Just when Kirk has finally brokered peace between the East and West South Beach Klingon rappers, someone tries to kill Obese Klingon rapper Lav'em "Biggy Little" Der'Faliz. Betty Blushlips' new boyfriend Busta Hymen is blamed, and Betty is forced to hide her beloved Hymen from the authorities and the East Coast Klingon rappers to prevent a bloody showdown. Meanwhile, Lazarus' newfound love turns out to be chaste and confused. Special Guest Stars - Ruben Studdard as Lav'em "Biggy Little" Der'Faliz Angelina Jolie as Betty Blushlips Dr. Dre as Busta Hymen Directed by The Hughes Brothers
Witness for the Prostitution
Kirk is honoured at the State University College of South Beach (S.U.C.S.B., home of the Fighting Cocks) with the opening of a lavatory science building named after him. But all is not well. After a Starfleet group therapy session (with Chappy as therapist!), Ellen comes in with the news that she's been fired from her job as house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority, where a sister named Tiffany recently committed suicide. Kirk smells something fishy, and the gang swings into action: Lazarus and Stacy accompany Ellen on a stakeout while Betty and Petey Sweetback go undercover at the sorority as pledges. Sorority leader Mandy almost immediately offers Petey a job working for I Eta Pi's escort service, but he and Betty soon find out that the sorority is running a forced prostitution ring, with the knowledge and guidance of the university's Dean Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos. Kirk and the gang rescue the girls before they can be harmed. Special Guest Stars – Clint Howard as Chappy Ellen Degeneres as Ellen, house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority Hillary Duff as Tiffany Halle Berry as Stacy Angelina Jolie as Betty Blushlips Mandy Moore as Mandy Johnny Depp as Dean Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos Directed by Alan Metter
Alan Thicke - Canadian Mounty
A villain named "Heinous Anus" is making young men disappear from the beach, and they are all ending up in a parallel 70's pyjama party universe where no heterosexuals exist. Lazarus ends up being captured by Heinous Anus and taken to this parallel universe. Kirk's old Canadian Mountie buddy Alan Thicke knows where Lazarus is and how to get there and sends Kirk to after him. Meanwhile, after discovering a loophole in the law Jaer'k'off marries himself. Ru Paul as Heinous Anus Alan Thicke as himself Directed by Jay Roach
Suck My Blood
Kirk's friend Jebadiah Kirkmann comes over from Israel with other Starfleet International recruits from all over the globe for the International Starfleet Fashion Show held in South Beach, and Lazarus is left in charge of the show. While Jebadiah is there a Ferengi Starfleet recruit is found dead and no one knows why. Only Betty suspects by the bite marks on his neck that he was bitten by a vampire. Later on, Jebadiah goes looking for prostitutes when he runs into the vampire who bites him and turns him into a vampire. Jebadiah finds Stacy and turns her into a vampire. Betty finds out that 12 of the lifeguards are dead and Jebadiah and Stacy are missing. Jebadiah appears and tells Betty to join him and she becomes a vampire. Lazarus tells Kirk how to get rid of the vampires and where they are hiding, at Old Man Wiggins' home. Kirk and Lazarus head to Old Man Wiggins' home and kill the vampire, changing the other human-turned vampires back into humans. Afterwards, Lazarus is left with no cast at the fashion show and resorts to singing to keep everyone entertained. Special Guest Stars - Pauly Shore as Jebadiah Kirkmann Angelina Jolie as Betty Blushlips Halle Berry as Stacy Eddie Murphy as the Vampire Peter O'Toole as Old Man Wiggins Directed by Neil Jordan
Tacolips Now, Part 1
In a flashback to Kirk's war days, we see how his commanding officer Captain "Buck" Enteneille "improperly disposed of" the village of Tam Pon. Enteneille implores Kirk to "never tell" about this atrocity. Later Kirk sees the guilty Captain hanging from a tree, having apparently committed suicide. Back in the present, Kirk's brother Harry Kirk has arrived at South Beach. His secret past begins to catch up with Kirk, and he is questioned by reporters about the incident at Tam Pon. This leads to his arrest, and as he's being taken into custody, Kirk can hardly believe his eyes--in the distance he sees Captain Entenielle! Also, Betty marries the decrepit old multi-millionaire Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos so she can inherit his money, but she'll have to contend with his family, including Nick Jr. Special Guest Stars – Tom Sizemore as Captain "Buck" Enteneille Bill Cosby as Harry Kirk Aneglina Jolie as Betty Blushslips Johnny Depp as Dean Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos Johnny Depp as Nick Jr. Johnny Depp as Nosey reporter Johnny Depp as Himself Directed by Randall Wallace
Tacolips Now, Part 2
Kirk is convicted of the war crime and goes to jail, where he meets all sorts of unsavoury characters. But soon he breaks out and begins his search for Captian Entenielle so he can clear his name. But there are some surprises back at South Beach. Kirk's brother Harry is working for Entenielle, and part of their evil plan is for Harry to court and propose marriage to Lazarus. Lazarus falls for Kirk’s charm and accepts Harry's proposal. Meanwhile a court rules against Betty and her claim on "Snuggles’" will, with the result being that she's now homeless. Being the master of disguise that he is Kirk is on the run and he spends some time hiding out at Aunt Jizzy's, where he learns that Entenielle and Harry have conspired to move up Harry and Lazarus' wedding date to the next day. Entenielle knows Kirk will come when he hears this news and he plans to assassinate him at the wedding. Chappy finds out he's in imminent danger of being deported. To avoid this, he convinces a reluctant Jamaican hair stylist to marry him, which is a great shock to his homeless peers when they arrive for the wedding. Betty has also come up with a plan to seduce Nick Jr. into marriage so she can get her hands on the Pappasmearos fortune, so it looks like there's going to be a triple wedding at South Beach. Kirk sneaks into the Starfleet headquaters looking for evidence against Entenielle, but while he's looking the pregnant secretary goes into labour. Kirk helps to deliver her baby, after which the surprise identity of the father is revealed. With the help of Chappy, Kirk exposes the fraud and criminal actions of Entenielle and Harry just as the weddings are about to take place. After a hand-to-hand battle with Kirk aboard a speedboat (along with some help from Spank the monkey), Entenielle is vanquished. The gang all gathers at the beach, where Kirk receives a congratulatory phone call from the President of Starfleet. But across the harbour, Entenielle is injured but not dead. He has one last trick up his sleeve as the season comes to a conclusion with a shocking cliffhanger. Special Guest Stars - Tom Sizemore as Captain "Buck" Enteneille Bill Cosby as Harry Kirk Aneglina Jolie as Betty Blushslips Johnny Depp as Nick Jr. Cloris Leachman as Aunt Jizzy Clint Howard as Chappy Joan Cusack as the pregnant secretary Morgan Freeman as the President of Starfleet |
