Who To Trust During The Zombie Apocalypse

Written by Mandroid3000

You are woken by glass shattering. Then silence, finally broken by a groan from the bottom of the stairs. “Baaaaarrrry” you hear, for that is your name. Shuffling. Someone is trying to climb the stairs. Someone uncoordinated.

Outside, sirens start blaring across the city. Screams come from neighbouring houses, and all the while those footsteps move slowly upwards to your bedroom door.

You're smart, Barry. You know this is the start of the zombie apocalypse. Leaping from the window and landing on the front lawn with a John Candy-like grace, you peek from the bushes at your once happy suburban street, aware that you must make quick, decisive decisions if you want to live.

Amidst the shambling corpses and rivers of blood there are still uncorrupted people, possible allies. Police officers are at the end of the road. Should you head for them? Basketball players are still shooting hoops on the court. Should you join forces? The biker gang? The nightclub bouncer?

All these choices. All these people. Can I trust them? Will they aid or endanger me? Decide quickly, death approaches!

Luckily for you, this handy list has been published, so your dirthering body won't be torn into fleshy threads by ravenous zombies, leaving your blood and bone (that very core of your indecisiveness) to fertilise the hedge.

Study this list. Know it. Paste it to the walls of your subconcious. When the time comes, by using the knowledge, you will know who to trust, who to explot, and who to shack up with. Good luck, Barry.

Average Joes

Pros

• Being thrust into an extraordinary situation may unleash powers they didn't know they had

• Pleasant, if uninpspiring, dinner conversation

Cons

• They're still obsessing about some dumpy girl they went out with in high school

• They probably abhor violence because they're no good at it

Should you trust them?
Their wallets are a source of petty cash, so mug them

Basketball Players

Pros

• Athletic. Strong. Co-ordinated

• Should be quite accurate at grenade lobbing

Cons

• Awkward white centres may look and move the same when they become zombified

• The old tramping adage of moving at the speed of the slowest member won't hold. And you'll be the slowest

Should you trust them?
Yes, if they have a good point guard

Bikers

Pros

• They have their own transport and are good fighters

• With few family ties, a treachorus side quest to save their granddad is not likely

Cons

• They do not want you in their gang

• Could just be middle-aged squares who can afford Harleys (see "Businessmen")

Should you trust them?
If they're bikers who want you to tag along, you don't want to do it

Businessmen

Pros

• Highly educated and ambitious. Good problem solvers

• Have money and connections

• They have a lot to live for

Cons

• The fact that they have a lot to live for means they'll sell you out in a heartbeat

• Everyone at work kisses their ass which has blinded them to their own inate level of idiocy.

• The ironic nature of zombie apocalypses makes them a magnet for the undead

Should you trust them?
They're lunch. Don't be the salad.

Emos

Pros

• They will do the sensible thing and hide

• When they get bored they'll offer to have sex with you

Cons

• The zombie apocalypse just distracted them from their latest attempt to fail at committing suicide

• You might have to listen to their music

Should you trust them?
Don't let yourself get emotionally blackmailed and you can have an amusing half hour

Escaped Convicts

Pros

• Bad assess

• They're used to living by the laws of the jungle

Cons

• Not likely to be in a mood to help you

• They're running away from one of the safest places left

Should you trust them?
Hide in the bushes when you see them

Fashion Models

Pros

• They're used to casual nudity

• Lack of meat and brains mean they can go anywhere in complete safety

Cons

• They may spend more time giving you fashion tips and exercise advice than helping your deliciously fleshy body escape to safety

• They'll try to seem smart by telling you that we have zombies because of how we've ignored people in the third world

Should you trust them?
That would be about a thousand times less fun than you'd imagine

Frat Boys

Pros

• Daring. Violent. Predatory.

• Likely to have a good supply of GHB they can use incapacitate the zombies

Cons

• Sadly, none are actually as cool as Belushi

• If you get to safety with them, expect at least six sets of testicles flopped on your forehead every hour for laughs

• Their misplaced feeling of invincibility will eventually get you killed

• You will go mad from listening to them quote Borat

Should you trust them?
They can get you out of a jam, but these are not guys you stay with forever

Geeks

Pros

• An upbeat attitude: they've been dreaming of the zombie apocalypse ever since seeing Dawn of the Dead

• Likely to know the “rules” governing the situation 

Cons

• Despite never going to a gym or taking a martial arts class, they believe that they're zombie slayers who will be able to swing an axe for six hours straight without getting sore shoulders or having a heart attack.

Should you trust them?
If you see someone strutting around in a Lucio Fulci t-shirt, walk the other way

Gourmands

Pros

• They met the Governor at a cocktail party last month

• Claim to have eaten a dish of Zombie in a Port-au-Prince restaurant and are sure they know which parts you can eat without getting infected

Cons

• They can talk about food but they can't cook it

• That Port-au-Prince restaurant just served them overpriced spiced chicken

• None of the names they drop are of people who like them

Should you trust them?
Dead men can't cancel their credit cards

Hookers

Pros

• They certainly are

• Won't take too much sweet talking to convince them to help get the human race restarted

• Street smarts

Cons

• Being smart on the street doesn't mean you're not an idiot everywhere else

• Their pimp will probably beat you to death for fun when he realises that society has collapsed, if not before

Should you trust them?
I know it's tempting to form a zombie-killing hooker army. Don't do it.

Housewives

Pros

• They know how to make good meals out of scant supplies

• Have a big house and possibly a waterbed and a husband who got eaten by zombies while at work

Cons

• They may try to raise you as one of their own instead of taking you as a lover

• Likely to have other kids who you might have to help raise

Should you trust them?
Good for a couple of meals

Junkies

Pros

• Can use them as tasty diversions when you need to escape

• All the chemicals in their flesh may kill any zombie that bites them, or at least mellow them out a bit

Cons

• They'll probably steal all your cash

• You won't be able to tell if they're in really bad health or turning into a zombie

Should you trust them?
If they do a something for you that takes five minutes, they'll be living in your garage for the next five years

Medieval Recreationists

Pros

• If they wear armour they won't become a zombies

• Have horses you can steal

Cons

• You will likely need to help them up every time they fall over

• Probably quite smelly

Should you trust them?
Steal their horses

Nerds

Pros

• Could potentially find a cure for zombification

• Could potentially whip up some explosives

Cons

• Alas, today's nerd can't do anything but computer programming, which will be a fantastically useless skill

• Unfit. Wheezy. Irritating. Physically inept

Should you trust them?
One of the great certanties of life is that they will do something that gets you killed

The Police

Pros

• They are likely to actually help you

• Access to guns, radios, tasers, pepper spray, body armour, etc.

Cons

• Expect to be left alone in the back of a police car in a zombie infested neighborhood while they run into some old mansion to save a cat.

• Have a tendency to be pushy jerks.

Should you trust them?
Like drinking from a shark-infested oasis

Priests

Pros

• A soothing voice in a time of trouble

• Zombies may be physically unable to enter sanctified church grounds

• They can take confession for all the disgusting things you had to do to make it to the church alive

Cons

• If they're kiddy fiddlers you may get caught up in some sort of ironic punishment

• If you are kid you may get fiddled

• They won't be of any help if the zombies were caused by a disease and not from hell being too full

Should you trust them?
Roll the dice if you want. I wouldn't

Real Estate Agents

Pros

• They've found out who's been eaten by zombies so they'd know which houses will be coming on the market

• Have a level of ruthlessness that will be needed to survive

Cons

• That ruthlessness will be turned against you sooner or later

• They'll be overly obsessed about the population crash depressing house prices

Should you trust them?
Ask if they have a courtesy moving van

Rich Teenage Girls

Pros

• They have money and cars and perhaps even private security

• They might do something really idiotic that gets them eaten, which means you will have money and cars and private security

Cons

• They're unikely to hang out with you

• No matter what you say, it will never seem to register

• Anything illegal or immoral that you do will appear on their MySpace blog

Should you trust them?
Not worth the effort

Barry, when the dust settles meet me at the first post-Zombie Apocalpse UN summit and say hello. "Hi, I'm Barry" will suffice as I will be quite busy, I imagine, splitting up the world with the other readers of Karate Party.

Actually, I'll tell you what. Say to me this secret phrase " " (just so that I know it is you, Barry) and you may have Galapagos and live there forever in purity.

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