ASK MRS. FONG!
What you need to hear but are too dumb to know

NUTTY

Dear Mrs. Fong,

I'm 16 and my friends at school (Laura, Ashley and Aggarra (HI GUYS!!!)) reckon I'm a real depressive. I may look at life like its a bottomless pit filled with snakes that whisper incessantly for me to throw myself in, but I'm not depressed or anything. Sure I was happy last year before Jesus took my parents to heaven, but they're in heaven so that's good. Right? Anyway, my uncle who I live with now is under house arrest and my aunt is a hyper-obese shut-in. So that's a happy couple! Great. Sure, I spend half my school day crying in the bathroom but I won't always hunger for the taste of sleeping pills.

So, how can I convince my friends that I'm happy?

Sandra "Smiles" Rackatage
Jorile
North Dakota

Mrs. Fong understand now. You are also type girl who smell bit mouldy?  It okay no problem!  Actually, you remind Mrs. Fong of when she young girl drink squirrel wine and disappear for three days.

FUNNY GERMAN

Dear Mrs. Fang,

How do you like it when someone makes fun of your name? Huh? Because I cry when people do it to me and I want to know if I am normal.

Rammer Schfinktard
Hogwarten
Germany

Yah I know, Mrs. Fong cousin Tin Kan have same problem.

SPINE ISSUES

Dear Mrs. Fong,

There's a weird lump growing out of my spine. It has teeth and has started singing Joshua Kadison songs to me. Should I go to a Western doctor (yuk!) or can you suggest a traditional Chinese remedy?

Loretta Shonkley
Taradale
Benin

Every morning Mrs. Fong exercise by swing arms and slap stomach.  Make me very strong.  I try to tell next-door neighbour Mrs. Morgan to try same technique to reduce her fat, but she give me funny look like I try to suggest drinking tiger tea!  Everyone know only man allowed to drink tiger tea!

BAD AT TRICK

Darling Mrs. Fong,

I am Marian N. Galazie A 43yrs Old Woman From Congo Currently as I was saying I am with AFRICAN UNITED SENATE headquarters here in CAYMAN ISLANDS, I left my home Congo due the problem i am encountering with my (husband family), they are asking me to renounce the marriage certificate i had with me, the only documents that prove me married and legitimate heir to my husbands properties.

I was married to King Galazie, his family dastardly hired baboon fighter to kill him and take propertie. theytelling me after that I am only but a foreigner to their own peeple, though we are all from the same Congo (I think, there are many)    I have no right to my husbands property, but as God may have it I Have a document that my husband Kept with one of his attorney when he was alive that, in the case of death this Document should only be giving to me in respect of his son.

So as a result of this I ran away, currently I am in CAYMAN ISLANDS, The amount cash of the money is $25,5m USD

Please I need your assistance; I want to stop living like a pauper in his country. I want to leave here and go for a better life, please do render every assistance needed from you.

with regards,

your lovely,

Marian N. Galazie.
CAYMAN ISLANDS

Aiyo!  If you not try trick Mrs. Fong, I not know difference between horse and camel lips!  But really I must tell you, Mrs. Fong already escape to Canada in 1997 when Hong Kong revert back to Big Mainland.  Since I already achieve Canadian citizenship, trick is on you!

HUSBANDING TROUBLE

Dear Mrs. Fong,

I’m an intelligent career woman happily married for 15 years. My husband is an esteemed lecturer in medicine. I trust him implicitly, but recently I've noticed an attractive female student hanging around him a little too much. She's often at our house asking him study questions. In fact, most often while I’m not there!

I’m too sure of myself to be some green-eyed monster, but how can I put a stop to this before it gets out-of-hand?

Name withheld on request
Barbara Washburn
Boston
Massachusetts

We have famous saying in Hong Kong: always employ ugly old Filapino maid.   Mrs. Fong no career woman, but smart enough to know that!  Now old Mr Fong old man, only thing I worry losing is his hair!

Who is Mrs. Fong?
A mysterious figure in a shady world, many things have been said about Mrs. Fong. It has been rumoured that she was once an acrobat in the Hong Kong circus and that she also dated the actor George Peppard. Now aged 52, Mrs. Fong lives with Mr. Fong, an import-export director, and their three children; Milton, Gwyneth, and Terry.

If you have a problem, you can email Mrs. Fong