Filling in the Gaps While Eavesdropping

Written by Juan Incognito 

Ever listened into another’s conversation while going about your daily business? Karate Party has and while we usually do not do this deliberately*, sometimes even a wise and just man will err.

Leaving all matters of intent or fault aside we have established the single most annoying part of being the accidental conversation receiver is that one often only hears a small part. This is often a good thing as the inane chatterings of random strangers has none of the charm or interest that one’s chosen associates can deliver, but sometimes we wonder what it would be like to hear the rest of that conversation, to know what exactly they meant by X or Y.

Without access to some sort of time machine we instead must speculate, happily idle speculation is what we do best. So prepare your eyes for an insightful treat.

NOTE: We make no apologies, nor implied or express warranty of the quality of the following statements nor do we assert any ownership of the originating comments. No sir, they are too lame for us to stamp our moniker on.

*However we have taken the precaution of writing a guide to casual eavesdropping, just in case you are one of those types.

“[B]ut a real assassin would have done the following...

Context: Juan was slumped, drunk, inside a bus, lost in London. He hadn’t realised this sad state of affairs when this particular gem was heard as a couple of blurs left the bus. Perhaps if he had been more sober or onto it he may have been able to foil a terrible crime, but we shall never know, or care.

Probable ending: ...killed him really fast, with ninja skillz."

Hot ending: ...lowered his trousers then advance slowly but assuredly towards his waiting prize."

Surprise ending: ...patted the kitten FOR AGES WHEN IT WAS MY TURN."

"Muslim women are not all bad...

Context: At a bus stop late one night with a new friend we fell to discussing the random things people talk about, spurred on by things or objects seen in the street. This doesn’t really explain what the hell the aforementioned friend meant by this comment but it isn’t something one can or would want to revisit, even if it did make sense. Remember, memory edits even the nicest people into intolerant monsters.

Probable ending: ...and they should thank me for my tolerance."

Tragic ending: ...if only they hadn’t drank that poison chalice and fallen."

Surprise ending: ...I said to myself as I looked in the mirror preening myself. Damn it is good to be me."

"The thing about salmon is that its best when wrapped around something...

Context: I was walking down Earls Court Road, London, while drunk and hungry. Having drank rather a bit too much for my delicate constitution I was feeling rather ill. This was not helped by the topic of fish, as Juan does not enjoy the fruit of the sea

Since I was near my house I had the horrible dilemna of whether or not to succumb to impulse or wait till I got home to eat. To those who care, I ate a kebab.

Probable ending: ...and that something should be asparagus."

Anti Fishist ending: ...but it would be far better for the fisherman to be hung from the nearest oak tree."

Surprise ending: ...like my penis." (analysis of internet forums has determined this to be a reasonable answer, althought admittedly more often would one see "cock")

"The Queen Mother was very courageous...

Context: Walking past a park bench in Hyde Park. The offending speaker was an older woman who appeared to be educating a younger family member about relevant things. It takes a village to raise a family after all.

Probable ending: ...in the war, and she provided a lot of comfort to her people."

Anti-monarchist ending: ...for a woman that got to live in a palace while people were dying in their thousands for her husband on foreign soil."

Surprise ending: ...while I was carving my name on her back with my teeth."

"Just wait there, I have to go do something...

Context: At a party somewhere in Manchester, England. Previous happenings of the night had involved something called “John the Magician” so by comparison this was rather tame. The huge potential of this statement really demanded follow-up.

Probable ending: ...quickly in the bushes." *wink* lol

Disney ending: ...that will help save Charles, the singing goat from the evil Witch."

Surprise ending: ...I’d ask you to come, but I don’t swing that way."

"It is time to come clean…

Context: While talking to a friend outside a pub a wandering street bum started hectoring a nearby drinker. Perhaps if my boorish friend had not been making some kind of point I would have heard what the next magical line would have been.

Probable ending: ...and admit to living an immoral life. Give me some money."

War crimes Educational Film ending: ...and remember Genocide isn’t cool guys!"

Surprise ending: ...so come here and old slippery can do his business."

"So I was watching the Family Guy the other night and...

Context: Living as we do in a mass media culture people tend to share cultural references. This can be a good thing when trying to make conversation, but it can also be fucking annoying when trying to talk or eavesdrop about something that isn’t TV related.

Probable ending: insert a piss poor recreation of something that was a lot funnier when we all watched it on TV, rather than hearing it on the bus at 3am.

Disappointing ending: See above

Surprise ending: ...but I really didn’t get it. Kids these days are so talented."

"They just want to be rich and famous...

Context: London, like many cities these days, is beset with free urban newspapers. Such newspapers often err towards the gossip style news rather than the more traditional kind. Sadly, this appears to be what the people want, if the average conversation on a bus or train is anything to go by.

Probable ending: ...the young fools."

Hateful ending: ...pity they won’t get to enjoy it after I eat their livers."

Surprise ending: ...Not me though, Money is the root of all evil."

"Steven Segal fights the bad man in slow mo, defeats him with the mental help of… rescuing the two hot chicks…then his friend dies and says he will see him next time..."

Context: Late night train into Euston, London from Manchester. Juan was sitting in a four seat bay with two random sober types. This makes it worse for them, karmically, as only drunks have the right to spend that much effort discussing Segal’s movies.

Probable Ending: ...but we will never find out because I’ll have destroyed every video camera on the planet just in case."

Mystery ending: ...but then when Buddha finally turned up it turns out that Segal has been worshiping the evil Buddha, John, by mistake and that isn’t something the two can resolve easily or quickly."

Surprise ending: ...then he does and everyone is happy, even the generic bad men."