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1

+1

2

While our esteemed “brains” worried themselves silly about how to respond to the Professor's August letter, the dastardly academic travelled to the club and surprised them. After a tense  confrontation the remaining Doorman was later able to confirm that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword, and it appears that our now deceased learned friends were in fact armed with pencils.

2

+3

After August's brush with working class fervour Selous had something to prove, and prove it he did, by creating an ocean of blood and carcasses where once there was, um, an ocean of antelope. One day he will be judged for this, but not this month, no, now he is a hero (again).

3

+6

9

A great scholar of Ancient Greek Z.T (as he prefers to be known) has trained a squadron of monkeys to replicate the fearsome Spartan Hoplites of old, and with this mighty yet hair army he has managed to cause some trouble amongst the adventurers of central Africa.

 Those who managed to escape with their lives report that victims are usually transfixed by the fine oratory of Z.T, which is nor surprising as to a man they had a love of the Greek classics beaten into them at school

4

4

While her doppleganger has now retired She has gone for an extended tour around the route of the trans Africa mail ship, causing havoc and disappointment.

5

+4

9

We were all rather worried, albeit in the fascinated yet horrified sense, about the incursions of dinosaurs down into the villages of innocent villagers but things have take a rather bizarre twist.

It seems a widely read Arcade operator from Blackpool, financed by his Chicago based cousin (big in illegal boxing) have opened something called a “holiday park” in the Lost World. Of course since neither have travelled there, and probably never shall, they don't quite believe the blood stained accounts posted to them from their managerial and custodial staff and continue to take bookings from the adventurous classes of Anglo America.

6

6

The local witch doctor, having successfully negotiated a truce between the Flora and Fauna and the Orange Free State Railway (turns out it was lost) inadvertently sparked a new conflict between himself and the aforementioned “greenery”.

It has been a bad month for Witch doctors everywhere, will this be the end of their noble profession?

7

+6

13

A now missing expedition entrusted Jimmy with ordering the malaria and cholera medication however Jimmy lost the money at the docks gambling with some Dutch sailors. Happily the sailors, long practised masters at relabelling bottles helped Jimmy not appear a fool to to the expedition.

However the British Medical Association may wish to discuss a couple of things with him when he shows his face outside of that undisclosed cave he is hiding in.

8

-7

1

This charlatan has been exposed by a group of plucky school children from Devon with the help of their loveable dog, Henry. In a publicity measure that went terribly wrong he foolishly engaged himself in a dialogue with the aforementioned children who proved his intellectual superior by tricking him into admitting he was in fact from “just some guy from New York”.

Future boy he may well not be, he still has a mighty collection of animal shaped bombs and a mighty resentment of children.

9

+7

16

A much delayed trip to Libya has finally taken place, and the Prince has spent much time visiting the back alley ways of Torbruk. It has been said that the Turkish Governor has been seen about town with a haunted look on his face and we hope to tell you exactly why next edition.

10

- 9

1

A hurriedly called conference to discuss the place of machine guns in modern adventurer rankings will not occur soon enough according to the wild life of Africa. Let us hope that no one tells the Maxim when and where these sporting luminaries are meeting.

11

+7

18

Despite a thaw in relations between France and Britain, 34 French sailors lost their lives in Mombassa after a courtesy visit to the good people of British East Africa. Frantic telegrams are being exchanged to hopefully stop this turning into a more serious conflict and learned thinkers hope that the French will restrain themselves to abusing the criminal rock instead of the local people.

12

+1

10

Alan has decided that romance is not for him, instead he will focus on politics and killing hippopotami. No one really likes the latter beasts, once they've met them in person and we understand that this will be what is deemed a “quick win” in the popularity stakes.

13

-2

11

We had believed this force of nature was on her way out, but it turns out that sometimes she will be welcomed by idiotic locals who give her a platform on which to rail against things.

A word of warning to holidayers and adventurers – avoid Windhoek for the next month or two, unless you enjoy being publicly humiliated by annoying morally superior types.

14

NC

We understand that Mittens was in fact left on the SS Cape Town when the Regiment disembarked. Her safety now assured (well, except for the avaricious eyes of the Captain's infant daughter) and the regiment well exercised Africa is at peace.

However the ship is another matter. 

15

+2

17

Long in cahoots with Jimmy the Hyena was seen slopping off after the medication-less expedition, and was last heard muttering something like “they will need medical attention soon enough, and my three years at Oxford has to count for something, right?” Either he is losing it or those words mean something else to a hyena.

16

-6

10

In an attempt to appeal to old fashioned values (and voters!) the King of the Jungle has declared war on liberals. This has not gone down too well with the Colonial Office but then they never like anything right? However while these two forces of nature fight several worthy yet relatively unknown Liberal Unionist MPs have gone missing in deepest Africa.

Only time will tell if this was a success for the Liberal Party and Lions everywhere.

17

-

NR

A long absence is over as the Buffalo makes a triumphant return to the Rankings after a profitable romp amongst the Annual Congress of Witch-doctors. Wise-men/woman they may be, but next time we suggest a more careful picking of conference locations.

18

-

NR

Somehow an author named Smith (some sort of seaman apparently. Ed.) has got word of Kurtz out to the discussion circles of W Europe and the chattering classes are decamping en masse to deepest Congo to sit at his feet. Of course Kurtz is still the rage filled enigma he always was, surrounded by blood thirsty natives and wildlife yet uneducated on the virtues of tourism.

19

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NR

A dog, a cat and a river otter sit on the deck of the Great Western, apparently discussing the news of the day from the Times, in a new painting recently seen on tour in the reputable galleries of Africa.

Apparently is the operative word, as we have also had reports that the picture is in fact cats and dogs holding hands. When we confronted the artist with this he said "you have to look sideways".

Audiences have been wandering away lost in thought, often into the mouths of waiting lions or crocodiles disguised as convenient footbridges. 

20

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NR

Lady Vervia's prize winning Speckled Hen has recently undergone a change in orientation, believing itself to be to be a rooster. This has of course meant that there must be regular crowing and the village of Little Dorkomp hasn't been the same since and the author greatly regrets his choice of summer hotel.