KarateParty.org - Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band

Hulk Hogan was discovered by a wrestling promoter while playing bass guitar in a night-club. This album returns Hulk to that former profession, or more accurately “the huge pythons wrap themselves around the world of music and bring it into Hulk’s control.” You may not be excited by the prospect, but according to Hulk Rules liner notes “Millions of adults and children in the United States and around the world know that Hulk Hogan is the most powerful force in the universe”. So I was surprised to find this CD sitting in the bargain bin at the Warehouse.

Being the sort of person who reads the introductory liner notes before listening to an album, I was understandably excited to have stumbled onto to such an amazing album. But to my disappointment track 1, Hulkster’s in the House, turned out to be an extremely poor man’s rock anthem, with cheesy power cords and a choir of tone-deaf wrestlers slaughtering the lyrics. What’s worse, making the lyrics rhyme didn’t seem to be on anyone’s agenda:

“We’re rockin’ down the house,
The band is playing loud,
We’re blowin’ off the roof,
And we’re gonna rock ‘n’ roll”

Inconceivably track 2 was even worse. American Made is an absolutely terrible song, almost perfect in its sheer idiocy. Imagine lyrics like “He’s got the red, white and blue running through his veins” set to a Quiet Riot b-side. There’s a word for this: retarded. “He’ll fight for your freedom, if you really believe”. Believe what? That a guy who wears bright red tights and play fights for a living is really “the most powerful force in the universe”. And what right would he fight for? The right for 8-year olds to cripple each other on the schoolyard. I can almost imagine George Bush replacing Hail to the Chief with this.

Thankfully track 3, Hulkster’s Back, was the sort of glorious cheese that the whole album should have been. Hulk finally goes solo, with some truly ludicrous raps, accompanied by random comments from a valley girl. It’s good in the way only a bad novelty rap can be. Here is what I could decipher of an interchange between the two:

Hulk: “Yo, Ted Turner, you want to arm wrestle?”
Girl: “That is so awesome”
Hulk: “What’s up dawg?”
Girl: “Where’s your Harley?”

But track 4, Wrestling Boot Travelling Band is sadly the absolute worst. No Hulk, just a song about some guy going away with the Wrestling Boot Travelling Band and sending a postcard back to his lady. What’s worse his lady sound a bit loose since every postcard is signed by the entire band. And I think the singer might be Jimmy Hart. A pretentious, shmaltzy quasi-country travesty with bad synthesisers, and a toneless lead singer. Why do they think the sort of people who’d buy a Hulk Hogan album would be interested in schlocky country music? And what the hell is a “Wrestling Boot Travelling Band?” The song leaves me no wiser on the topic.

Bad to the Bone brings back the abysmal power cords and the inability to rhyme:

“Come on baby, We’re a’goin’ for a ride
Put your arms around me and hold on tight
Turn up the music ‘cos we want to hear it loud
The girls all know it’s a boys night out”

Which begs the question: If it’s a boys night out, exactly who is he telling to hold on tight? The most openly homo-erotic song on the album.

Then, finally, back to the ‘good’ stuff. I Want to be a Hulkamaniac. Hulk sings, actually quite well. The song even offers some excellent life advice. “When the dealer tries to push on you just tell him what you’re gonna do”. I now know how to deal with this sticky situation, all I have to say is: “I want to be a Hulkamaniac, have fun with my family and friends” and the dealer will think I’m already loaded. Hulk also reminds us to:

“Always go swimming with a buddy,
Work real hard and always study”

The song is truly bad in such an amazingly perfect way, it’s amongst the most sublime musical experiences of my life. This time they try to rhyme, but forget grammar:

“Positive thoughts and positive deeds,
These are the things that make succeed”

In Beach Patrol, Hulk explains through rap that this patrol consists of beating up people who mess with his girlfriend. An average song, not as catchy as Hulkster’s Back. Hearing Hulk yell “Hey Girlfriend" and “Woop, there it is” is kinda fun though.

Hulk’s the One is the zenith of this album’s ridiculousness. It’s a love song about Hulk sung by his wife, an uninspired singer:

"When you turned on the charm,
I heard the alarm,
I should have called the police.”

But, just when you thought its got to its most unbelievable, along comes Hulkster in Heaven. Hulk’s half-sung tribute to a deceased young fan. Because it is so heartfelt it’s hard to laugh at the truly terrible lyrics. It’s like being stuck at a party where someone brings out a guitar and starts singing they’re own awful ballads. Random lyrics:

“The world just lost another Hulkamaniac”

“I used to tear my shirt,
But now you’ve torn my heart”

“When the Hulkster comes to heaven
We’ll tag up again”

“I wish Hulk’s love could bring you back again”

But just so you don’t leave the album on a downer, the last song, Hulk Rules, is the best of the power chord songs. It’s by no means good. But I can imagine myself as an eight-year old kid dancing round the living room to it.

The low-down
Maximum price you should pay: $4
Average number of listens before insanity: 5
CD Rack or hidden in a drawer: Hidden in a drawer

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