Written by Mandroid3000
Make no mistake, the drive-by insult is a very hard skill to master, if it is possible to master at all. Even worse, the potential downside is often far greater than the potential upside. The chances of success are slim, but if all the factors are in your favour then it can be a truly beautiful act. Your chance of success will improve drastically if you take the following five factors into account:
1. The other passengers
Drive-by insults are, for obvious reasons, best not performed when travelling with your parents, your girlfriend or boyfriends parents, or with a church group. As the other passengers are your true intended audience, make sure they have a sense of humour that will appreciate the insult. It is also best to make sure the driver won’t beat you to a pulp if someone throws a bottle at their car. 2. The Terrain Are you approaching a traffic light? Is it currently red or orange? If so, best to keep your mouth shut. Many an unfortunate back seat prankster has found themselves minus teeth after calling someone a fag then feeling their vehicle slowly crawl to a stop. 3. Speed Going too slow can leave you open to either a physical attack or the humiliation of a funnier comeback from your intended victim. If you’re travelling too fast then your message may be garbled by the Doppler effect, and lose its impact by failing to draw the attention of the person or party you are trying to insult. Somewhere in the 15-20 km/hr range is ideal. Even at this speed you may need to ask the driver to flash their lights at the target, you don't want the target to be focused on something like a cellphone conversation and not even hear your insult.
4. The Target
If the first two factors are in your favour, you still should only proceed if you identify a suitable target. Old people, the handicapped, and the awkward are all targets you should steer clear of. The drive-by insult should be a light-hearted prank, not something that will frighten or cause permanent scars to the recipient. Worse yet, pick an easy target and you may fail to impress passengers of the opposite sex. Making sure you pick a person who will actually understand the joke as a joke is key, and immediately disqualifies anyone who you suspect cannot speak the language the joke will be made in. Your best bet is a slightly worse version of yourself.
5. The Joke
Probably the most often ignored factor is the most important. Do you have a joke in mind? If you’re going to try and wing it, are you genuinely a funny person? Too often a drive-by prankster has opened their mouth only to have “you are fat” or “nice hair cut” dribble out lamely. In almost every case a one-word insult will make you appear to be of limited intelligence, thus the popular “gaybo” and “queer” are out (in fact all homosexual jibes have been out of favour since 1994). Try to form a complete and witty sentence. Preferably have jokes in mind that are unknown to your fellow passengers before-hand. For the best chance of success have several ready that can all be applicable to numerous recipients.
A successful drive-by insult is an impressive feat, something even the victim will come to admire when the pain wears off. However, a blown assignment is a major humiliation, an often unspoken embarrassment that will form an undercurrent of disrespect that flows through all future dealings you have with the witnesses. Proceed with caution.
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